Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Ten News Stories That You're Sick Of ...

Ten News Stories That You're Sick Of

1) The Michael Jackson Traveling Circus and Freak Show - I'm relatively sure that this will top almost everyone's list. Is there anyone out there who doesn't think he's got an unhealthy attraction to young boys? If I have to hear Nancy Grace utter the word masturbation in relation to Michael Jackson one more time, I may go spontaneously deaf.

2) Terri Schiavo - Enough is enough ... let the woman rest in peace and her family mourn in privacy. Her family has every right to express their frustration and desperation in wanting to keep her alive ... but everyone from politicians to talk show hosts viewed the situation as a pot of opportunistic gold under the rainbow of human tragedy. Enough.

3) North Carolina's NCAA Win - Alright, I'm from Illinois so I'm biased ... and understandably disappointed. I'm also sick of hearing about what an amazingly talented team they were. Yes, yes, yes ... you kicked our ass ... your name is Tar Heels and you're our daddy.

4) Jane Fonda is Soooooo Sorry - Give me a fucking break. You're not sorry you spoke on the radio ... you're not sorry about the POW issue ... you're not sorry you went over there ... but you are sorry about that one picture. Wow. That's really generous of you, Jane. I'm sure our veterans are touched.

5) Minutemen On The Border - You know what? If our borders were better protected, we wouldn't have to have civilians patrolling them. So for everyone screaming about how the Minutemen don't have the right to be there ... then you come up with a better alternative for dealing with the influx of illegal aliens ... or shut the fuck up.

6) Anything and Everything About Martha Stewart - It is not a good thing. For the sake of argument, no ... I never liked her particular brand of foo foo. However, I didn't take any pleasure from her downfall. Know what? You shouldn't lie. Furthermore, you shouldn't break federal laws. She did the crime ... she did the time ... enough.

7) The Royal Wedding ... Such As It Is - They a couple of adulterers who are finally making it legal. Well, good for them. I was just as interested in it as anyone else ... about three thousand stories ago.

8) The Many Woes of the Osbournes - I was such a fan ... seriously. I own the first season on DVD and love listening to Ozzy's music. But enough is fucking enough. I'm sorry they've had a string of bad luck ... I'm sorry a burglar took their precious jewels. I'm sorry their kids have been in rehab. But Jesus look around ... there are terrible things going on in the world everyday that make their lives look blessed! A guy I worked with was hospitalized last Monday because he "didn't feel well" ... and died of liver cancer on Friday. He never missed a day of work ... never knew he even had cancer ... but just "didn't feel well." Gee, sorry your diamond tierra was stolen, Sharon ... how do you go on?

9) American Idol Ad Nauseaum - Let me be the one to break the bad news ... you won't have a career after this fucking show ... even if you win. No matter how much they primp and praise you ... you'd better have a back up job ready. Being told you're the best American Idol is like being the best computer tech at Best Buy ... you might get a good parking space for a couple months ... but I guarantee that in the end, Bill Gates won't be hiring you ... and you'll still be wearing a stupid yellow shirt.

10) Britney Spears ... Is a Zombie - Alright, I don't actually know that she's a zombie ... but I do know she won't fucking go away. Now she and her greasy man-pet are planning a reality TV show. Wow, that's a shock, eh? She's planning to use the show to document their courtship, engagement and wedding. UPN Entertainment's Dawn Ostroff said the show will give Spears and Federline the chance to "tell their love story their way." Really? Let me tell it my way and see if they match up ... skeev meets skeeve ... skeev sleeps with skeev ... skeev makes money selling home videos to UPN. Yup ... I think that about says it all.

We can do the innuendo
We can dance and sing
When it's said and done we haven't told you a thing
We all know that crap is king
Give us dirty laundry

Don Henley - Dirty Laundry

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