I haven't been posting much because I don't want my blog to become some sort of psychotherapy, grief counseling substitute where I spend my days whining and moaning about how bad I feel. After all, some people lose their parents when they're still young. In fact, every day there are thousands of children in Africa who lose their fathers or mothers to AIDS. So, who am I to complain? I had my father for thirty-five years and I was lucky enough to be able to say goodbye to him before he died.
But today ... today is a bad day. I spent yesterday evening helping Mom go through stuff. Maybe that's why today is so tough. I feel like if I actually spoke the words, "I miss my Dad" that my heart would implode ... like I can't even think about it. But I can't stop thinking about it either.
What's so frustrating is that I know everybody goes through this eventually ... no one lives forever. I hate feeling like ... well ... I guess it's grief. All this sadness. It makes me feel separated from everyone else.
This is going to sound mental ... but I'll try to make sense of it. It's as though I feel mad at myself when I start feeling sad. I'll think, "What makes me so special? Why should I have the right to sit and cry? I'm no different or better than anyone else who's lost a loved one ... and there are people dying everyday. Their families get through it ... why can't I?"
It's not as though I don't care. I loved him so much ... but ... I just want to get past this. There's too much to do ... and I don't have time to decompress. Maybe I'm afraid if I start crying I won't be able to stop ... so it's much safer to not even start. I don't know.
I hate feeling this way. It's like each thought of my Dad is a bee that buzzes though my head ... and today my head is full of bees and no matter how hard I try to shut out the sounds I can't make it stop.
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Just you wait and see
And between now and then until I see you again
I'll be loving you, love me
Collin Raye - If You Get There Before I Do