Friday, July 22, 2005

The Wisdom of ThirtyWhat - Part 1

Five Things You Should Know
The Wisdom of ThirtyWhat - Part 1

1. A Big Mac Has Pickles and Onions -- It's Time To Accept It! - Do you want a Big Mac? Then order a Big Mac. But don't order one and then start listing all the things you want added or subtracted ... because I'm telling you now, you are going to totally fuck up that kid's world. Trust me, I went to McDonald's yesterday and made the mistake of ordering a Big Mac without pickles or onions. I might just as well have asked them to discuss the practical applications of nuclear fission. Judging by the look on that poor kid's face, I'm lucky there was anything in the bag at all.

2. No One Cares -- So Shut Up About Your Kid Already! - Admit it ... your family is just as fucked up as everybody else's. Don't come to work and spend hours bragging to me about your daughter's hand-made, watered silk prom dress ... because I know your kid ... and I strongly suspect by the end of the night that $400 dress was laying in a heap on the floorboard of her boyfriend's Camaro. Your son's on the football team? Congratulations ... now if you could just get him to stop bullying children and torturing small animals, he might be able to dodge that bright future in serial-killing that the school counselor warned you about.

3. Cursing, while fun, does not impress anyone - Unless you work on the set of Deadwood, there's no reason to throw the word fuck around like a merchant marine. It will not empower you. It will not make you a strong woman. It will, however, make your co-workers cringe. Hey, I love the word just as much as anyone else ... I've always said it's the swiss knife of profanity ... but when we're in a meeting discussing the new corporate logo, there's no reason to exclaim, "Somebody's lost their fucking mind!"

4. Sleeping with everyone you meet does not make you more attractive - If you need to feel pretty, go buy some makeup ... or pick out a new dress ... but do not screw every man who looks in your direction. Also, as a side note, coming to the office and describing these conquests does not, in fact, make you look glamorous or exciting. It makes you look like a skeeve. If you're in your twenties and drinking yourself unconscious every night, hey, good for you. But just realize that anyone over thirty has been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. We're not impressed.

5. Just stay home, stupid! - It's pretty simple, people ... when it's 102 degrees outside, don't make plans that involve being outdoors. You have central air for a reason, don't you? Well, use it, for the love of God! The last thing I need today is your hot, sweaty ass sitting at my desk complaining about global warming. Yes, dipshit, it's hot outside ... which makes it even more unbelievable when you run out for lunch and bring back a bowl of soup. Are you brain damaged? YOU ... out of the gene pool!

When you're hot, you're hot
And when you're not, you're not
Put all the money in and let's roll 'em again
When you're hot, you're hot

Jerry Reed - When You're Hot You're Hot

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