Tuesday, July 26, 2005

That Was Then ...

Years ago, a lifetime ago really, I dated a very bad man. I have a head and a heart full of horrible memories that I can't blame on anyone else but me. Everyone warned me. They all said he was trouble but, of course, I didn't listen. Yeah, I was young but that's really no excuse. Like so many other bruised and battered women in the world, I fooled myself into believing the lies and deception by just telling myself, "They don't know him like I do."

The problem was, and still is, that he wasn't as bad as everyone thought ... he was much, much worse. Worse than I could've imagined at the time. You'd think after all these years, he wouldn't affect my life ... but at the most unexpected moments, he still casts a long shadow. It's horrible to walk through your days always on guard ... studying everyone who "happens" to walk down your street.

I'm so ashamed. No one should have to carry the scars of a bad relationship their entire life. I completely understand why people choose to move away and start over in an entirely new place; Somewhere that no one knows your history; Somewhere that no one knows the people and names from your past.

Some people are just born bad. They're a genetic mistake ... a blemish on their families and friends. Apparently, my scarlet letter will always be that I had a relationship with one of these mistakes ... a violent, uneducated, unemployable, monster of a human being. It's not funny ... or amusing ... it's a tragic, heartbreaking thing. Because I can get past it ... just put it in the past ... and I have. But I guess some people can't.

Feeling better now that we're through
Feeling better 'cause I'm over you
I learned my lesson, it left a scar
Now I see how you really are
You're no good
You're no good
You're no good
Baby you're no good

Linda Rhondstadt - You're No Good