Tuesday, November 15, 2005

And So It Happened ...

In my last post, I said that I was terrified the doctor would look at me and say, "Well, I don't know what's causing this ..." And would you believe that she spoke that sentence almost word for word?

And, as you would expect from the emotional wreck that I've become, I fell apart. In a scenario of my worst fears come to life, she told me that, first, she didn't know what was causing the pain and, second, she didn't even know if a hysterectomy would stop it. I couldn't control it. I started sobbing right in the middle of this poor woman's office.

I was praying that once she'd heard the ever growing list of symptoms that she'd say, "Well, sure I know what's wrong. It sounds like you've got ..."

No such luck. She said that my symptoms don't fall into one neat diagnosis. I've got a few problems from this ... a few from that ... and a few more from that one over there. But nothing that completely fits into one category.

So there I am, crying like a baby, telling her that I'm not crazy. Thank goodness she was very sweet and comforting. She said I wasn't crazy ... that just because something is hard to diagnose doesn't mean it isn't happening.

She gave me an exam and sent a request to my old doctor for all my records. I go in on the 29th for another sonogram. This one will be done right there in her office. She said she's hoping to see something on that left side that will explain what's going on.

There has to be a reason for this pain. I can't figure out why it's intermittent. I don't see a pattern. I was fine on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday ... but last night, it hurt so bad I was throwing up when (my ex-husband) got home from work. Now today I'm fine again.

My best guess is that it's tied to how active I am on any given day. This weekend I didn't do much physically and I felt great. Yesterday, I was running all over the building trying to fix a server problem and ended up doubled over on the couch. It sounds like an obvious link ... but it doesn't explain the occasional mornings when I wake up at 4 a.m. with that awful pain. I mean, sure I toss and turn sometimes ... but I'm certainly not running sprints in my sleep.

So, now I'm wondering ... should I just be okay with taking pain pills? Part of the reason I'm so down about this is that I don't want to have to take a pill just to get through the day. Maybe I've got the wrong attitude ... maybe I should just accept it. The bottom line is that if we can't find what's causing this, I'm going to need them to function now and then.

I can't help asking myself ... what happens if it's not just once or twice a week? What if it's three or four times a week? What if it's everyday? I'm not a pessimist ... I'm not. But I'm not going to end up a junkie either.

Everyone around
Love them, love them
Put it in your hands
Take it, take it
There's no time to cry
Happy, happy
Put it in your heart
Where tomorrow shines
Gold and silver shine

R.E.M. - Shiny Happy People