Thursday, November 10, 2005

Waiting and Worrying ...

So, today's the day. I've built this day up in my mind to the point that it can't possibly live up to my expectations.

The days leading up to Halloween were the last straw. The pain on my lower left side grew so bad that I missed almost three days off work and didn't do anything over the weekend but take Darvoset and lay on the couch. I sewed part of a Halloween costume for (my ex-husband) that Sunday and ended up crying because I'd stupidly waited too long to take a pill.

I've lost faith in my gynecologist ... his solution to chronic pain is birth control pills and pain medication. And in the meantime, I'm using more and more vacation days because some times it gets so bad I can't sit up for more than a few minutes at a time.

So I spoke to the women at work and got a referral to a new gynecologist. This one is an award winning young woman. And, while I'm not being sexist, I can't quite shake the feeling that my older, male doctor just didn't have the empathy needed for his field.

Today's the day. I meet with her and talk about these issues. I'm scared to death. But not for the reasons you'd think. I've stopped being scared of surgery. I've stopped being scared of bad news. I'm now scared that she won't find anything. I'm scared she'll say, "Well, I don't know what's causing this ..." And right now, I can't bear the thought of that possibility.

Give me an answer
Give me a reason for it
Give me an answer
Give me a reason for everything

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