Monday, December 19, 2005

My Yearly Christmas Rant ...

I swear to God, my head is going to explode if I see one more commercial for yet another asinine, witless, ass-wipe of a made-for-tv Christmas movie. Jesus! Stop already ... put an end to this god forsaken madness.

We do not need another "special" Christmas story about angels or trees or fairy blessed fruitcakes or Great Aunt Betty's special holiday hemorrhoids. If this is the best Christmas entertainment that Hollywood can come up with, then it's time to bring back agent orange and start carpet bombing Burbank.

For instance, last night CBS featured a steaming pile of dog crap entitled, "The Christmas Blessing" starring Neil Patrick Harris. And I quote ... "A medical resident falls in love with a young teacher and develops a special bond with one of her students." Are you fucking kidding me? This bullshit supposed to enhance my holiday experience?

See, here's the problem .... back in the day, there were only three television channels. Yes, Virginia, that's right ... three. So once a year in December, one of the "big three" would release a Hallmark Christmas special. It was always a diabetic coma inducing piece of fluff that involved somebody finding a lost love or a kid getting a new parent or a dog finding a bone or what-the-fuck-ever. And that was okay ... it was once a year and you expected it.

Fast forward twenty years. There are hundreds of channels, each one chocked full of mind-numbing tripe eleven months out of the year. And in the twelfth month, it only gets worse.

The Family Channel is featuring the 28 days of Christmas. It's the 19th and I've already seen "The Year Without a Santa Claus" fifteen times.

QVC is offering 24 hour programming based on last minute Christmas gifts. What baffles me is this ... who the hell decided pretzel-wrapped hot dogs constitute a "last minute gift"? All I know is that if I open up a crate full of pretzel wrapped hot dogs on Christmas morning I'm going to cry ... and then I'm going to start drinking.

The Food Network is offering an amazing array of holiday food programming. I'm not really complaining about this ... cause I really dig watching Paula Deen. However, if someone doesn't block this channel from my cable box soon, I'm going to be the fattest white woman in central Illinois come 2006.

The History Channel is showing a one hour special on a Third Reich connection between Hitler and Saddam Hussein. Um ... no, this isn't Christmas related ... but I just wanted to say ... WTF?

Christmas time is here
We'll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year

Vince Guaraldi Trio - Christmas Time Is Here

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