Monday, January 02, 2006

Caffeine As A Weapon

So, I'm not a coffee drinker. That's the most important fact in this story. I am not a coffee drinker. I recognize words like espresso and cappacino ... however, I couldn't tell you the difference between them if my life depended on it. Problem is, it wasn't my life that depended on it.

I think I've mentioned it before ... (my ex-husband) loves Starbucks Cafe Mocha Latte ... his favorite being a double, which he tells me involves two shots of espresso. I've never tried it ... but hey, a million Starbucks fans can't be wrong. They all think Starbucks is the shit ... and I'll just have to take their word for it.

Anyway, (my ex-husband) got an espresso maker for Christmas ... and yesterday we decided to take it for a spin. Now, keep in mind ... I'm not a coffee drinker. Yes, I'm covering my ass, here.

I read the booklet ... figured out how it worked ... and made a batch. I even frothed up the milk and everything. I was pretty impressed with myself, actually. So, we decided to go see The Chronicles of Narnia yesterday ... which is a post in itself. We're driving over to the theater and (my ex-husband) is driving aggressively ... he's edgy ... really not in a good mood. I can't figure out why, since we've been having such a good day.

So, we're walking up to the theatre and he says something like, "You know, I feel worse than that time I tried a triple." I asked him to explain and he tells me his heart is hammering in his chest and he just feels like climbing a wall. At that point, it hits me ...

That little pot that came with the espresso maker only had two choices ... 2 and 4. Well, hell ... he usually drinks a lot of coffee so I made four. That was barely one coffee cup full of liquid ... so ... I frothed the milk ... put the liquid in the cup and gave it to him. Um ... so ... I gave him a quadruple espresso.

Poor thing ... I told him what I'd done ... and, between swearing that I was trying to kill him for New Year's ... he spent the day "coming down" from what was a pretty nasty caffeine buzz.

I obviously wasn't trying to kill him ... but it makes me wonder ... does Starbucks only hire coffee drinkers? Because I'm telling you ... I had no idea what I was handling. He's okay now ... but he did happen to watch a History Channel show about coffee last night. I think he was hoping I'd get a little education before I wind up charged with negligent homicide over an overly-strong cup of joe.

I love coffee, I love tea
I love the java jive and it loves me
Coffee and tea and the java and me
A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, a cup

Manhattan Transfer - Java Jive