Monday, April 10, 2006

They're Right THERE!

I hate illegal aliens.

Now, why in the world would I say something so obviously un-PC? I'll tell you why. Because this whole immigration issue is turning me into a republican ... and I can't stand it.

I've been a lifelong Democrat. In fact, I'm one of those rare creatures who don't believe that "liberal" is a four letter word. But when (my ex-husband) turns on Meet the Press and I actually agree with J.D. Hayworth, the Greg Stilson of politics, it's time for a sea change.

Here's what's put the bee in my bonnet this week. It's illegal to be an undocumented alien in this country, right? Well today thousands upon thousands of these people are actually marching in protest of legislation which would strengthen our immigration policies. Think about that. "Thousands upon thousands are marching ..."

Hello? INS? In case you're having trouble rooting out those pesky illegal aliens, I'll give you a clue. They're right there. For years the nightly news has reported that the government would send them home ... but they just can't find 'em. Excuse me? You can't fucking miss em! Want more help? Here's a picture from the Washington Post ...

Let's start with the ones waving Mexican flags. I'm sorry, but how fucking insane is that? You're marching for the right to stay in one country ... and waving the flag of another country that you deserted? Have we stepped through the looking glass when I wasn't looking? I didn't get the memo.

Here's my plan. If anyone from INS is reading this, feel free to use it ... I won't charge a dime in consulting fees. First, take a few hundred buses. Then hang big signs on the side that read, "Free Drivers Licenses" ... in Espanol, of course. Then when these marchers climb on board, just close the door and start driving ... and don't slow down until you get to the Guatemalan boarder.

"But ThirtyWhat," you ask, "Won't they just come back?" It's a possibility ... but let's make 'em work for it! What's that? No one will pick my lettuce? No on will pick my grapes? Fuck em! I don't like vegetables anyway. I fucking hate salads! When immigrants start picking chicken mcNuggets off giant mcNugget trees, call me. Until then, I'm not interested.

Yes, I'm aware that my potato-eatin' Irish ancestors were immigrants too. But they did it legally. You wanna come to America? Good for you! You'll find information here ... or here ... or here.

So all this burbling resentment came to a head today when a co-worker asked my opinion on the subject of immigration legislation. I hesitated but when they pushed, I gave 'em the honest truth about how I felt.

Their answer? "Boy, ThirtyWhat ... you're sounding more Republican every day! Glad to have you onboard ... what took so long?"

... [heavy sigh] ... fuckers ...

Hey you ever get the feeling
That America is turning into
some kinda sitcom
lowest common denominator
shopping mall marketing strategy from hell?
You ever get that feeling?
Well I got that feeling right now.
And it's kinda getting under my skin

Mojo Nixon - Burn Down the Malls