Monday, July 31, 2006

Building a Bridge - Part 1

I have a plan for peace in the Middle East. No, really ... I do. Stop laughing.

I, ThirtyWhat, can end all of this strife and war. I've been saying this for years ... but maybe now's the right time to bring out my plan once again.

My "Roadmap To Peace" is a three pronged plan ... and I'll be happy to give it all away for free to Bill Clinton or the UN or whomever thinks they can get this underway. Today, we'll deal with the first step ...

Step 1 - Air Conditioning - The truth of the matter is that everyone gets pissed off when they're hot. Whether you're living in Gaza or Greenview ... tempers flare when the thermometer creeps up into the triple digits. I know when I climb into a 100 degree car after work, I'm the crankiest woman in central Illinois. There's a reason why hell is depicted as hot ... cause the worst possible thing the human race can imagine is to spend eternity sweating our asses off.

Now let's look at the Middle East ... it's insanely hot ... there's no shade ... and everyone is wearing long sleeved shirts, long pants, turbans, and/or burquas. Of COURSE they're angry ... they're overheated and dehydrated. I'm no religious expert, but I'm willing to bet that suicide bombers are promised more than virgins. Oh yeah, baby ... I'm talking central air.

So here's part one ... The UN airlifts thousands upon thousands of air conditioners. Now we can't just drop them off on a big pallet somewhere ... if we do that there'll be hundreds of black market Maytags on e-Bay within minutes.

No, we install them everywhere ... in homes ... in places of worship ... restaurants ... businesses. Once people get used to feeling comfortable, they won't want to go outside. Furthermore, they won't care what someone is doing in the next village, country, or continent so long as it's under 75 degrees where they're sitting.

Think of how wonderful it feels when you come inside after an hour or so of mowing ... now multiply that times a thousand. That is the kind of relief we're talking about.

Hell, they probably haven't had a good night's sleep in decades. Once we get that air unit fired up ... and everyone knows the joy of pulling a comfy quilt up to your chin as you doze off in August ... well, my friend ... peace will be within our grasp.

Tune in tomorrow for Step 2 ... which I call, "Flipping Our Way To The Future ..." or "Surfing To Serenity ..."

Let me tell you now
Ev'rybody's talking about
Revolution, Evolution
Mastication, Flagelolation, Regulations
Integrations, Meditations, United Nations, Congratulations
All we are saying is give peace a chance
All we are saying is give peace a chance

John Lennon - Give Peace A Chance


  1. This is one of the funniest posts I've read in ages. Great work here. I love the plan. I think you're really on to something here. Air conditioning has turned me into a lazy slob, why can't it work in the Middle East?

  2. Damn, John ... it's stupid hot out there!

    Whenever there's a heat wave like we're having right now ... I want nothing to do with the outdoors.

    My neighbor could be dancing in the middle of the street buck naked ... it wouldn't phase me. I wouldn't even crack the door open. I'd just glance out the window and think, "Man, that pavement has got to be hot under her feet. You know, I think I'll have another ice-cold Pepsi."

  3. The 26th Man3:11 AM

    But it's a dry heat.