ThirtyWhat Theatre Strikes Back

Like everybody else, we work hard for our money. So when it comes to entertainment, sometimes you've gotta prioritize. Case in point ... movies.

Wait! Don't hit the "back" button quite yet. I'm not going to rant about the price of the theatre experience ... it's been done. But, since the price of visiting the Kerasotes family is mighty high, it's hard to justify going to a show that might not be "A" material.

So our family has devised a rating system. Maybe devised isn't the right word ... it's just kind of evolved. Basically, the system is based on how much a film is deserving of our coin. Therefore, if you're sitting next to us when the trailers start, you're likely to hear us whisper one of these phrases:

It's a "Theatre" Movie - This film is a standard blockbuster Hollywood hit. It's the closest you'll come to a "sure thing." This would be a movie along the lines of Superman Returns, The DaVinci Code, Pirates of the Caribbean, or Snakes on a Plane.

It's a "DVD" Movie - This film is a must see ... it's just not "movie money" worthy. It isn't an epic ... and will look fine on your living room television when accompanied by a bag of Orville's finest. This would be a movie along the lines of Scanner Darkly, The Devil Wears Prada, or My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

It's an "HBO" Movie - This film is questionable. It could very well suck ... and there's no sense in wasting money on it. The catch here is that it could surprise you. But ... it probably won't. This would be a movie along the lines of Click, Nacho Libre, The 40 Year Old Virgin, or The Break Up.

It's a "TV" Movie - You're near the bottom of the barrel here, folks. This a movie that you won't watch unless there's nothing to rent, nothing on HBO, your car's broke down, scorpions are falling from the sky ... basically the kind of movie you watch when you're on the couch with the stomach flu ... and you've lost the remote. This would be a movie along the lines of Talladega Nights, RV, and You Me & Dupree.

It's a "Not Even If You Paid Me" Movie - You can't get any lower. To watch this movie would require someone to strap you in a chair and tape your eyelids open ala Clockwork Orange. It's not only bad ... it's painful. This would be a movie along the lines of Little Man, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Hoot, and anything with the word "Garfield" in the title.

Disclaimer: Everyone's opinions are different and your mileage may vary. Renting The Devil Wears Prada doesn't make me wrong. Likewise, finding Larry the Cable Guy amusing doesn't make you wrong.

Oh hell ... screw that. Yes, it does make you wrong. That man is an abomination and a waste of carbon ... and every moment spent watching him causes your IQ to drop exponentially.

We had it all
Just like Bogie and Bacall
Starring in our own late, late show
Sailin' away to Key Largo

Bertie Higgins - Key Largo