Monday, August 28, 2006

An Open Letter ...

... To Anyone With Internet Access:

Do you remember when you were a child and your mother told you, "Never take candy from strangers?" Or how about "If it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is."

Well, those same rules apply to e-mail and the internet. I know people who have been online for years and, although they should know better, they insist on filling my inbox with spam. Well, no more. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But it's time someone set a few things straight:

You are not an African princess. You have not inherited millions of dollars from some long-lost relative. You have not won the Irish/Canadian/Australian lottery. In fact, just so we're clear on this ... you are not going to win any lottery in which you don't enter. This should be basic common sense, people.

Bill Gates is not going to give you thousands of dollars because you forward an e-mail ... likewise you are not going to get a free meal at Outback or gift certificate from Old Navy. Yes, KFC was giving away free popcorn chicken ... back in 2002. I think it's safe to stop forwarding that particular e-mail.

No one is giving away free X-Box, PlayStations, or iPods. Texas driver's licenses do not include a toll-free number that allows stranded motorists to receive free towing services. While it is true that a brothel in Nevada offered free sex to U.S. troops returning from Iraq ... the offer was made to the first fifty soldiers who presented themselves at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch ... and the offer was made back in 2003. Wanna bet those fifty spots have already been "filled"?

While we're on the subject of e-mails ...

Are we friends? If so, then I know we're friends and I don't need a forwarded e-mail from you telling me about it. I don't want to be hit by a virtual snowball, a virtual pumpkin, or anything else virtual or otherwise.

Do you love Jesus? Good for you. I really don't need another e-mail that confirms your love for the Lord and Savior. I also don't need to read another message that tells me how God will grant me a wish if I "pass it on". Listen to me ... God is not a genie. He will not grant you a wish just because you fill my inbox with spam.

Have you ever received an e-mail that said, "Allah loves you" or "The prophet Abraham says if you forward this to 100 people you will see a little dancing taco bell dog run across your screen" or "Joseph Smith hid $100 in a Gideon Bible in a Holiday Inn?" Me neither. Just something to think about ...

Why the hell do you keep forwarding this stuff? Stop. Take a minute. Write a real e-mail. Tell me how you're doing ... ask me how I'm doing. Tell me what's going on in your life ... or just write to talk about current events. I want a message from you ... not just another picture of Maxine suggesting someone kiss her gluteus maximus.

So, are we clear on this? Good. Now, if you'll pardon me, I have to go take care of a minor emergency. According to my latest e-mail, our eBay account has been suspended "due to credit card verification problems."

Look, could I have egg, bacon, SPAM,
and sausage without the SPAM?
What d'you mean uuugggh!? I don't like SPAM!

Monty Python - Lovely Spam


  1. Spam, spam, spam.... Spam and EGGS!?

    I still don't know why people are tempted by the spam. I read an article the other day about penny stocks spam, they try getting people to buy the stock to increase the price once it increases enough they dump the stock.

    Supposedly it is big business on the internet.

    Gmail has been good about keeping the spam away. 40 new ones over the weekend and not one in my inbox.

  2. You can be a skeptic if you want, but my optimism will pay off big time when $17 million arrives in my bank account in a couple of days. Queen Noog the Generous trusted me in her time of need and would never let my benevelonce go unrewarded. You'll see.

  3. I guess I'm just a horrible human being. The phishing ... the lottery scams ... the fake inheritance ... none of that bothers me as much as those damned religious and friendship e-mails.

    My relationship with God (or Gods or Godesses ...) is personal. I don't care that someone has accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior. I just don't like people prostelitizing to me in my inbox. It just pisses me off.

    Then those sappy, diabetic-coma-inducing poems about how were bestest friends forever ... ugh. If I'm your friend, I know it ... if I'm not, stop forwarding me crap.

    You know that one little sentence in those e-mails that says, "If I don't get this back from you, I'll know we're not really friends ..." Well, that one sentence guarantees I will NOT hit reply.

    I guess I just think ... if I have a friendship that consists of someone sticking me in a mailing list so they can forward four or five jokes to me a day ... then it's not much of a friendship.

    God ... I was cranky yesterday, wasn't it?

  4. Idiot's Anonymous12:13 PM

    Wait... if I send you something, then you won't reply? Not even a good "Lol, now stop sending me puppies and virtual bubble wrap?" Oh well...

    I swear, I got at least 20 of this spam crap in my inbox today, I've decided to ignore them, and I swear, in one month alone, I've got over 3000 spam... and that's just in my "bulk" inbox...

    All in all, the only thing I can say about Spam is this:

    "Bloody Vikings!"

    Take Care, Thirtywhat!
    ~Spamalicious Idiot

  5. Virtual Bubble Wrap? You know I'll make an exception ...

    And it's not an occasional forwarded message that wears on me ...

    It's situations like I have with my one friend who lives out of state ... she never ever writes ... but everyday I get at least one forwarded joke or internet hoax. It makes me cringe.

  6. Anonymous1:18 AM

    Oh man, I got the virtual bubble wrap one! It kept me busy for 30 minutes!! I especially loved the "Where's the rake?" "Eye left tit behind the bush" one!

    Man oh man, I gotta get a life!

    AZ :o)

  7. I once "deeply offended" a friend's spouse who sent me a religious chain letter.

    I guess I took it too seriously, and responded by saying that my faith did not need to be proven in such a manner.

    I'm proud to say that I don't recall ever having forwarded such email in my life - nor do I plan to do so.

    Sadly, many of the relatives I wish to correspond with in a serious way find it nearly impossible to send a well written email, but instead prefer to forward this silly stuff.

    And they always seem so bewildered why I stop responding after awhile.


  8. Well, JP ... at least you've done something I've always wanted to do. I've ALWAYS wanted to write back to some of these people and say ... "Yes, I know you love Jesus ... unless the situation changes, you can stop e-mailing me about it."

    I did finally ask one woman I knew to stop e-mailing me ... every day I'd get a half dozen of these "touching stories" ... kids buying their dead mom slippers ... or people finding a grandmother's quilt in the bottom of a bird cage ... hell ... I don't know. But I did get up the balls to write her and say ... enough. Best e-mail I ever sent.