Oh, My Achin' Head ...

Well, I'm in Chicago and on my way home. It seems like this trip was just a reality show version of "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles." Is all travel like this?

Now, I'm not trying offend those of you with small children out there ... but I believe that all parents who are bringing toddlers onto a flight should be issued a small bottle of NyQuil. Would you prefer chloroform and a rag? I'm flexible. I spent two and a half hours in the air listening to three children scream.

One child, two rows up from me screamed and cried until his voice was hoarse. I kept thinking, "He's got to wear himself out eventually ..." But no. This child was the Eveready Rabbit of United Airlines. It was so bad, I was actually concerned about him at one point. Was he sick? Maybe he had a fever? Hah! As if! My concern was terribly misplaced as the child stopped screaming long enough to start shrieking for his mother.

The mother was in the next aisle over taking care of a small girl ... no more than four. Now, she was annoying ... because she spent the entire flight saying, "Push the button, mommy ... push the button, mommy ... why won't you push the button, mommy ... can I push that button, mommy ... can the stewardess push the button, mommy ..."

I'm not bitching about her though. That behavior I can understand and deal with. What I can't understand is why the mother and father didn't switch children somewhere into the first hour of this tantrum. The daughter was calm ... why not have her sit with her dad while the mom dopes this toddler from hell?

But nooooooooo the dad forcefully restrains Damien as he reaches decibles that only air horns can achieve. I firmly believe his vocal chords are permanently damaged. There's no way you can sustain that level of noise for that long without the risk of becoming mute.

The man in the row behind me spoke up and loudly said, "They serve liquor on this flight ... just put a few drops on his tongue!" The father acted as if he couldn't hear this suggestion. And, while I'm not sticking up for this three foot anti-christ, I agree that this was a bad idea. I mean ... if the kid is this pissy now, can you imagine what kind of drunk he'd be?

Shut up!
Don't want to hear your voice.
Shut up!
I'm sick of all the noise.
There's nothing you can say
That means a damn thing to me.
Shut up!

Kelly Osbourne - Shut Up