Wednesday, January 03, 2007

ThirtyWhat's Semi-Annual Voyage of the Damned


Good Morning ... and thank you for visiting the ThirtyWhat Travel Agency. We specialize in semi-annual cruises for A-List celebrities that must be removed from popular culture ... for their saftey and our mental health.

Twice a year, we load up our custom-fitted cruise ship, the S.S. Damned, with everyone who has stuck their mugs in the camera one too many times. Sometimes it takes a celebrity years to earn themselves a ticket ... and then there are those special people who come out of nowhere ... such as past guest, William Hung.

The plan is to load up the boat ... and dump their worthless asses on an uninhabitable island in the South Pacific. Our passengers will be under the impression that they'll be stars on a brand new reality television show. And being the media whores that they are, you just know their asses will be jumping ship as soon as they spot land. They'll spend the rest of their miserable lives waiting for Jeff Probst to show up and preening for non-existant cameras.

Each trip, we bestow the title of "captain" on one lucky individual who has been voted "Most Hideous Waste of Human Breath That Somehow Achieved World-Wide Acclaim and Celebrity Status."

I'm proud to announce that I'll be handing over the captain's hat to Andy Dick ... because I would rather be struck deaf, dumb, and blind than see him on television one more time. We trust he'll be even better than our last captain, Screech.

This year's ticket holders include:

Britney Spears - Enough. When it gets to the point that you've got to flash your hoo-ha just to get some attention, it's time to re-evaluate your life's path. But that's alright ... Britney's path is about to include mangos and sand crabs.

Paris Hilton - She should've been on the boat years ago. What can I say? We apologize for the oversite.

Lindsay Lohan - A few years stranded on a desert island may just be the rehab that Lindsay so desparately needs. And natural sunlight will eliminate the need for that orange spray-on tan that she loves so much.

Rachel Ray - God love her ... extreme over-exposure is what bought her ticket. I'd just like to be able to go into the grocery store and buy some crackers that don't have her face on the box.

K-Fed - He was an easy sell ... as soon as we told him he'd be entertaining the guests with his unique brand of hip hop and rap, his bags were packed and on the dock. You're welcome.

Now, there are a few more tickets still available ... and quite a few celebrities that are this close to making the cut. George Michael? If he gets high and falls asleep in his car or blows some guy in a park one more time ... he's on the boat. Gwen Stefani? One more goat-heard-yodling song and you, my friend, will be on the boat.

There's still time ... and still cabins available. So if you'd like to nominate an a-list celebrity that you simply can't put up with a moment longer, let us know. We're willing to accept the names of b-list or c-list stars ... but their accomodations will be in steerage.

We can only hope for an iceburg ...

And the people all said sit down
Sit down you're rockin the boat
The people all said sit down
Sit down you're rockin the boat
Cause the devil will drag you under
By the sharp lapels of your checkered coat
Sit down Sit down
Sit down you're rockin the boat

Don Henley - Sit Down You're Rockin' The Boat

6 comments:

  1. nancy8:42 AM

    While I find your post hilarious and creatively written, the real gem is in the concept, which is quite compelling.

    I would like to nominate the following and will defer to your judgment for placement on the waiting list:

    Rosie O'Donnell, Jay Leno, Cameron Diaz, any former American Idol winner (or contestant), Gwyneth Paltrow, Tom Cruise, Tori Spelling, Bill O'Reilly, and Matthew McConawhat.

    Some of these are undoubtedly of dubious A-list status, so stowe them where you may.

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  2. Anonymous6:38 PM

    Loved the idea and the prose. I nominate Katie Couric, Barbra Streisand, Dr. Phil, snoop-dog, Oprah, all of the Baldwin brothers and Pat Robertson.

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  3. Anonymous2:48 PM

    I don't remember who was on the last boat, but for the love of GOD, take Ashlee Simpson on the boat.

    She is the only person that I know of who can pull a Milli Vanilli on LIVE TELEVISION (Milli Vanilli was caught during a concert) and no one seems to give a rat's ass. In fact, she was given a second album (and a nose job, but shhhhhhh) and the public somehow is okay with that. *sigh* I'd thow her on there PERSONALLY.

    Another person who can go on the boat is Flava Flav. WHAT THE HOLY HELL DO THOSE LADIES SEE IN HIM? HE'S GOT TO BE AT LEAST 40 AND HE LOOKS UGLIER THAN SIN. AND THE CLOCK WENT OUT OF STYLE IN THE MID-90S. *grumble* Can I hit him over the head with that clock necklace?

    *sigh* I think I'm one rocking chair away from yelling at kids to get off my lawn.

    ~Idiot's Anonymous

    PS: Who's driving the boat? I wanna personally see them off. :D

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  4. Anonymous10:41 PM

    I beg of you to please find a berth for Mary-Kate Olsen who NEEDS to put on the notorious 5 - 7 pound 'cruise weight'. It is one thing to be thin, but this female is truly ill and seeing her in the check-out isle tabloids just depresses me.
    I know, maybe the galley can force feed anything that weighs less than 105 pounds…..sort of the Weight Watcher’s Cruise to Hell for the Damned!
    Oh, and Frank Loesser is the composer and lyricist on my copy of Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat (Guys and Dolls).
    Happy New Year.

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  5. I nominate Justin Bieber and Ryan Secrest.

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