It's been a month since I've written ... primarily because most days I'm overwhelmed. Some days ... quite a few days, if I'm being honest ... overwhelmed doesn't begin to describe it.
Mr. ThirtyWhat is in his third week of treatment ... radiation every day ... chemotherapy once every three weeks. I've learned more about these topics than I ever imagined I'd know ... but the main thing I've learned is this ...
If someone tells you that their husband or wife or parent or loved one is having radiation or chemotherapy treatments ... there is a world of unspoken experiences behind that statement.
They have already walked a hundred miles in their journey by the time they tell you they're in treatment. They've already had dozens of tests ... several scans ... hundreds of blood draws ... consults with numerous doctors ... sometimes even multiple surgeries ... just to get them to the point that they can say, "I'm in treatment."
It's overwhelming and it's everything I can do not to sit down and cry ... but we're not even halfway in this journey ... and there's too far to go and to much to do to sit and cry now.
It will be mid-September before he's done with this round of radiation and chemotherapy. Then in late October to early November, they will begin another round of chemotherapy, assuming he's strong enough to take it.
I worry whether he'll be strong enough ... I worry how I'll get the time out of the office that I'll need to get him to all these appointments ... I worry how we'll pay for all this ...
But I'm having to offer all this worry up to a higher power because I can't sustain it ... I don't know how anyone could.
For now, he's doing alright. He's developing radiation burns on his mouth and throat ... he's lost all sense of taste ... and he's lost a few pounds. We're starting our third week and supposedly we're right on track. Of course, if we're right on track, they say the last couple weeks are like torture ...
How will we ever do this ...
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
The Beatles - Blackbird