Sunday, December 16, 2012

And Doggonit, People Like Me ...

I'm a naturally happy person.  I laugh and giggle and joke ... sometimes I just think of things that make me laugh.  I'm kinda like Arthur ... without the alcoholism and obscene wealth.    I love making people smile ... making people laugh.   I can't remember a time I didn't have a smart ass comment for almost any situation. 
In fact, just last night I told someone that my best friend and I were ironic before being ironic was cool.   We were hipsters before hipsters become the annoying assholes they are today.  We were the cool kids at the back of the bus.  I was outgoing and confident ... I suppose to a fault.  And I'm still that person ... still happy ... still laughing ... still making snarky comments at the drop of a hat. 
But now ... since the world shifted on its axis last year, I catch myself thinking negative thoughts ... doubting myself.  If I have a good evening with someone, later on when I'm alone I'll catch myself thinking ... they were just being nice because they felt sorry for you ... they were really thinking how stupid you were ...
When I realize I'm doing it, I try to throw myself into Stuart Smalley mode.  But I'm not going to lie ... it makes me sad ... and it makes me angry.  Angry that I let someone do this to me.  I let a person pull me down to the point I question whether I'm good enough for someone's attention.  I spent all that time being told I wasn't "smart enough" and I "couldn't keep up with him" ... and it kills me to know that even though I laughed it off ... it was sinking in.
No, I'm not going to a therapist.  Realizing you have a problem is half the battle, right?   I'll keep laughing and smiling and being me ... because that's the only option.  And eventually ... if I try hard enough ... I'll believe it.
Sittin' in the mornin' sun
I'll be sittin' when the evenin' comes
Watchin' the ships roll in
Then I watch 'em roll away again
I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Watchin' the tide, roll away
Sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time
Michael Bolton - Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay
Note:  Yes ... Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay should be attributed to Otis Redding.  But this is for a friend of mine ... who swore Michael Bolton's hair wasn't blond.  You were right ... Michael Bolton's hair was brown ... but that doesn't make "How Can We Be Lovers If We Can't Be Friends" any less painful ...