Tuesday, December 11, 2012

It Took Me Long Enough ...

Over the course of my life, I've had friends who have said the phrase, "I just don't know who I am" ... a phrase which, I'll admit, was normally met with eye rolling.  I understood they were speaking metaphorically ... but I always thought it was nothing but pretentious navel gazing.

Who am I?  You're you ... you're the same you you've always been.  Are you not comfortable with yourself?  What would cause you to even ask that question?
It took me long enough ... but I finally get it.
From the age of seventeen (okay, sixteen if we're being honest ... God, I hope my girls aren't reading this) until the age of twenty-five, I was a wild child.  I did fun things ... amazing things ... and some things that, quite frankly, I'll take with me to my grave.  I sowed my wild oats ... and considered it a good thing because when I did settle down, I did it without looking back.  I gave up those ways because I thought it was time to be ... respectable ... responsible ... an adult.
Then from the age of twenty-six until about a year ago, I was someone completely different.  I married a man with three beautiful daughters and I embraced that life.  I didn't question my life ... although in retrospect, I obviously should have ... and, while I looked back on those wild years fondly, I didn't miss them because I thought the wild and crazy phase was over ... and the married phase was all that I had to look forward to.
But, as Semisonic would tell us ... every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end ... and my married phase came to an end as well.  And now ... I find myself where those friends of mine were all those years ago.  Where does this leave me?  I can't go back to being the wild child ... if nothing else I need eight hours sleep these days and can no longer subsist on Mt. Dew and Slim Jims.   I can't go back to being married ... that life is a ground-zero blast hole that won't sustain life for years.
But there's some of that responsible adult left in me ... I have a mortgage and a car payment that I pay religiously.  I have pride in my house and my living space ... although there are dishes in my sink that desperately need attention right now.  And those three girls, who were so small when I came into their lives years ago, are now adults ... and I love them so much that I can't regret where I'm at now.
So ... who am I?  Or more accurate ... who am I going to be?  I can't be the wild child.  I can't be the dutiful wife.  I guess there's a third option ... and now my job is to either discover that option ... or create it.
Closing time ... you don't have to go home ... but you can't ... stay ... here.
Closing Time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open
till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home 
Semisonic - Closing Time