Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Hey, Kids ... It's Story Time ...

I spent last night ruminating on my misspent youth ... and in the course of dwelling on all the bad shit, I remembered something that made me smile.  Grab a beverage and take a seat ... it's story time!

Let's rewind!   Let's go back to the days of big hair and Warrant and Bon Jovi ... to curfews and dances and Ferris Bueller ... to being happy as hell just to spend a few hours making out on a couch.  You know ... come to think of it, some things just never change ...

Ahem ... anyhow ... my best friend and I were a team. She was a couple years younger than me, so we didn't have any of the same classes ... but we DID ride the same bus.

Now for most of you, the image of riding a school bus probably resembles the end of Hot for Teacher ... it's the living embodiment of hell on Earth.  But not for us.  Riding the bus was a 30-45 minute party before and after school.  Hell, the ride home was the best part of the day.

My best friend and I were always in the back seat ... and every day was guaranteed to be a freak show.  Let's see ...

There were the two junior high kids that put on a show daily that would put porn stars to shame.  Holy crap.  Watching these kids was like reading a sloppy, pre-teen version of the Kama Sutra.  I was sure that chick was gonna end up pregnant.  She didn't ... but come to think of it, I'm not entirely sure she was old enough to have her period yet.  Wow ... let's move on ...

When not engaged in everything but penetrative coitus, the male of this couple was a full blown hippie stoner.  He would get on the bus in the morning stoned out of his skull ... and he'd get on the bus in the afternoon looking forward to going home ... and getting stoned out of his skull.  In fact, one day when he couldn't get his hands on any weed, he borrowed this kid's glasses and spent the entire trip staring out the back window attempting to get the same effect.  That kid ended up in prison a few years later ... I know ... shocking.

There was the freshman girl who was a raving bitch ... desperately trying to be a queen bee.  I'm pretty sure she's the one who I grabbed by the hair and slammed her head into a window.  Or maybe that was that freshman guy?  Not sure ... we didn't put up with a lot of shit back then ...

And on top of it all ... we had the real life Bevis and Butthead ... the two kids who lived in this little subdivision and pulled the most ridiculous stunts ... things that would easily get them expelled these days.

Like the time Bevis asked to borrow my hair spray.  I don't know WHY I gave it to him.  Yeah yeah yeah ... I know ... stupid decision.  I think I was in the middle of a conversation.  In any case, I remember him going back to his seat and yelling "Legs up!" to the rows in front of him and he proceeded to take a lighter and use my can of Aquanet as a blowtorch.  Looking back, it's a wonder any of us survived.

See ... that up there?  That is what I'm talking about.  Sure, it makes me laugh to think about it ... but that is why I'm not in a hurry to introduce anyone special to the joys of my hometown.  Years have passed ... but  nothing has changed.  Bevis was at the bar the other night ... as was the brother of that pre-teen nympho.  Only two good things ever came out of that mess ... me and my best friend.  And ... by the grace of God ... I don't have to go back to Riverbottom to see her ...

We take what we want
We do anything that we wish
We got no respect
For animal birdy or fish
The grass does not grow
On the places where we stop and stand
River Bottom Nightmare Band

The Nightmare - River Bottom Nightmare Band