Live Blogging Prometheus ... Or ... How I Spent My New Year's Day ...

Well ... it's finally 2013!   Happy New Year, everybody!  Last night was the first time in forever that I stayed up to ring in the New Year.   Midnight came ... my friends and I wished each other a Happy New Year ... and I got my wish.  Plus, as a bonus, I saw fireworks on the drive home ... all together a pretty wonderful night.

Okay, so now ... onto the show.  Last night, my friends loaned me a movie ... which one of them claims is the worst thing imaginable.  So, I brought it home ... and decided to ring in 2013 with a live blogging of ... Prometheus.

So ... I'm going into this with an open mind ... despite my friend nearly having an apoplectic fit every time someone mentions it ... let's see where this goes ...

•  It really is a beautiful movie.  Nothing really so far but sweeping landscapes and waterfalls ... but visually it's stunning.  I'm watching this on Blu-Ray ... can't imagine what it would look like on 3D.  Not that I'll ever know ... because I'm fairly certain my friend would cut a bitch who tried to put this in his player ...
• Hey!  It's Doctor Manhattan!  He just drank something that looked ... questionable.   Wow ... that was ... unpleasant.   But his DNA is being reformulated ... into ...
• "They want us to come find them ..." or they found primitive blogging on cave walls written in buffalo blood ... whatever ... I'm easy ... carry on ...
• Aaaaand now we're in space ...
• HEY ... is that Fassbender?  This movie just developed potential ...
• Fassbender isn't human ... and he has no soul ... I wonder if he traded it for his penis?
• Charlize Theron has an agenda ... no first contact.  Man, that's a waste of a fucking trip ...
• Unrelated:  I'm hungry ... just throwing that out there ... carry on ...
• The dude with the head tattoos ... who I shall from this point forward refer to as Johnny Rotten ... has released his "pups" that will map out the cave system.  At first I was going to snark about how, personally, I wouldn't trust technology developed by a dude who makes choices including a mohawk and an eyebrow tat ... but those balls are actually pretty cool ...
• There's an atmosphere in the cave ... and the scientists pop off their helmets.  For the sake of argument, that was a stupid fucking thing to do ...
• Johnny Rotten is apparently fine with traveling a million miles through deep space to a strange planet, exploring dark caves, popping off the helmet that provides life-saving oxygen ... but dead alien bodies really piss him off ... he's going back to the ship ... and taking another dude with him.
• Too bad ... he just missed a ginormous stone head ...
• Dust bowl storm coming ...
• On this planet, dust bowl storms contain millions of dollars worth of loose change ...
• How did David know how to remove that alien helmet?  That was convenient ...
• THE FUCK?  They woke back up a head and it exploded!  How?  But ...
• Something's up with David ... he's communicating with somebody.  I don't trust him.  He told Charlize this person told him to "try harder" ... try harder to what?  Wake the aliens up?  Find the aliens?  Bleach his hair a more life-like shade of blond?
• YAY!  David found an alien six pack!   Wait ... he broke it open ... this can't end well ...
• David just dosed a guy ... that was a dick move.  David is a douche bag.
• Unrelated:  Ever notice that guys named David are frequently douche bags?
• Awwwww ... she can't have babies ... that makes me sad ...
• You know that dude that was dosed a minute ago ... he just stuck his tongue in the sad chick's mouth ... let's hear it for misdirection!
• In other news ... if he was "contaminated" by whatever David dosed him with, he probably shouldn't be doing the unskinny bop bareback.  Somebody needs to get him a condom ...
• HEY guys!  Wanna know how to get a chick to lay you?  Ask if she's a robot!  BOOM ... instant booty ...
• Penis snake!  Hey ... I think I saw this same scene in Jurassic Park ... it's gonna spit venom at him, right?  OH SWEET JESUS ... the melting ... and the goo ... that was disgusting ...
• Um ... this is just a question ... cause I know next to nothing about science ... but ... Charlize just torched the dosed dude outside the ship.  Um ... doesn't fire require oxygen?   I mean they're wearing suits because this atmosphere has little to no oxygen, right?
• OH MY GOD ... OH MY FUCKING GOD.  NO ... JUST NO.  THE MEDICAL POD JUST DID A DIAGNOSTIC TEST ... WOULDN'T IT RECOGNIZE THERE WAS A VAGINA INSTEAD OF A PENIS?  NO ... NO NO NO ...
• Blood ... staples ... blood ... so much blood ...
• Unrelated: I may never have sex again
• The old dude is alive ... who didn't see that coming ...
• Um ... in another "who didn't see that coming" moment ... Charlize is the old dude's daughter ... well ... duh ...
• It's a ship ... duh ... there was a pilot and a captain's chair ... were we not supposed to know that?  Because there was that whole scene with the pilot pressing buttons and bringing up the hologram of the planets ... and ... is that a flute?  Fuck it ... never mind ...
• Boy, the engineer is ... angry ...
• Also ... that scientist runs an awful lot for someone who has her stomach muscles cut open.  On a personal note, I had a full hysterectomy back in 2005 ... and literally cried the first time the nurse had me use my stomach muscles to sit up in bed.  I mean I sobbed ... and this bitch is running the Iron Man.  I don't know whether to hate myself ... or this movie ...
• Why did she die?  Why didn't she run for the hole?  Wait ... never mind ... she isn't dead.  That's convenient ...
• Okay okay okay ... I swear I've been paying attention ... but ... the engineers aren't the monsters.  The monsters want to kill and/or eat the engineers.  So this isn't their home planet ... this is the giant squid's planet, right?  Why did the cave paintings direct them HERE then?  Why didn't the cave paintings direct them to the engineer's home world?
• Um ... didn't it say her oxygen tank was almost out ... like ... 15 minutes ago?
• So ... instead of going home ... she's going to try to find the engineer's home world?  Okay ...
• But ... why ... she gave birth to the squid ... but the squid inseminated the engineer who gave birth to ... an alien?  Where did that ... wait ... what?

Okay ... I suppose it isn't as bad as what I've heard.  But ... wow.  That was ... bad.  You know what ... I'm just gonna leave this here ...

How infinite is space, and who decides your fate
Why everything will dissolve into sand
How to avoid defeat, when truth and fiction meet
Why nothing ever turns out how you planned
These are things that I don't understand
Yeah, these are things that I don't understand

Coldplay - Things I Don't Understand