Sunday, January 20, 2013

Never Have I Ever ...

So, last night at dinner the subject of Mardi Gras beads came up and my friend was a little surprised that I hadn't actually earned any beads.  This wasn't an insulting assumption on his part ... given my misspent youth, it is amazing that I don't have a cardboard box in the back of my closet stuffed with beads, loose marabou feathers, stolen shot glasses, and empty Vicodin bottles.

No ... believe it or not, there are a lot of colorful things that I haven't experienced.  I would kick ass at a game of "Never Have I Ever."  But ... for the record ... here's an idea of a few of the more salacious things I've never written about in a diary.  Never have I ever ...

Kissed a Girl - Much as I love Katy Perry ... and Jill Sobule ... I haven't kissed a girl.  Not that I wouldn't ... not that I haven't had the opportunity ... I've just always been in a relationship when the chance presented itself.   I will tell you this story ... at one point, I had been dating this one guy off and on (and off and on) for a couple years ... and when we had another one of his "I just need space" (to bang another chick) discussions, I decided that was it.  I was going to date a girl.  Within 48 hours, I met my ex-husband ... so that plan never came to fruition.  But hindsight is 20/20 ... and given what came next, I really should've gone to Spring training and tried out for the other team ...

Flashed my boobs at Mardi Gras - Not gonna lie ... this was on my bucket list.  But shit happens.  First I didn't have the cash for a trip ... then I got married ... and then Katrina destroyed New Orleans.   And now?  Now I'm at a point where I'm not flashing anyone unless it's in the privacy of my own home ... or car ... or garage ... or ... ... ... you know what, after giving it more thought, maybe I'll just drive down to New Orleans next month and check this one off.

Crashed My Car Into a Semi - None ... NONE ... of my cars have been ... what was the wording used last night ... crumpled around a semi?  I believe that particular dig was based on my previously spotty driving record.  See, when I was sixteen, I totalled my Mom's car coming back from my boyfriend's house at 11:30 p.m. on a school night ... on her birthday.  But hey ... we're supposed to be discussing things I haven't done, right???

Point is, there's a lot of things I haven't done ... and all sorts of things left to do ... lots!   I mean ... I haven't even had sex on a beach!  Not that getting freaky on a beach ever sounded like a lot of fun anyway.  I mean, realistically, women have a lot more cracks and crevices than men do.  Mix that little biological tidbit with a handful of sand ... and what starts off sounding hot ends up sounding insanely painful. 

Come to think of it, some things I haven't done because I have a tiny bit of common sense.   Unfortunately not enough common sense to avoid giving my Mom the worst birthday present in history ... I'm still trying to make up for that one ...

Maybe a great magnet pulls
All souls towards truth
Or maybe it is life itself
That feeds wisdom
To it's youth
Constant craving
Has always been

KD Lang - Constant Craving