Friday, January 18, 2013

Nope ... Not On My Worst Day ...

So I was just reading a story about how Tiger Woods has re-proposed to Elin Nordegren.  Apparently he's offered a $200 million prenup to his ex-wife.   For some mind-boggling reason she is considering accepting ... but only if he includes a $350 million anti-cheating clause. Oooooookay then ...

There are three ways to look at this situation ...

Number one:  These crazy kids are just in love and trying to move past a rocky situation.  Awwww, isn't that sweet?  Let's give 'em a group hug. Wait ... um, on second thought ... hugs are probably a bad idea. How about we just give you an enthusiastic thumbs up from over here?

Number two:  Tiger has somehow convinced Elin to buy the "I'm sorry and I'll never do it again" defense.  I'm not judging ya, Elin ... I've been there.  I'll never hit you again ... I'll never cheat again ... I'll never kill a hobo again. Okay, that last one never happened ... that I know of.  But the point is that, for some reason, we women buy an inordinate amount of bullshit. So this option wouldn't exactly be a surprise.

Number three:  Elin is a smart, realistic woman.  She knows that Tiger's dick ending up inside a stripper is kinda like me finishing this bag of Cheetos for breakfast ... sad but inevitable.  If option three is what's going on and she's looking at this as a relatively small amount of work for a large financial payout, then good for her.  But if she's going with option number two, I have some sad news for her ...some people just aren't built for monogamy.  It's a shame ... but it's a fact.

Years ago, I had a close friend who was a very fun guy. He'd give you the shirt off his back ... literally ... but he couldn't keep his pants zipped up to save his life.  When he made the tragically illogical choice to get married, his fiance called to tell me off about one thing or another ... that's a post for a different day.  I ended up unloading on her.  I said something along the lines of ... someday, you're gonna find out what he's like ... and when you do, you're gonna cry ... and while you're squirting those tears, you're gonna say ... ThirtyWhat told me this would happen.

Oh and it did happen ... and I heard about it. In fact, his sister called to tell me she'd used those exact words. But by that point, I'd grown up enough to feel horribly guilty that I'd even said that to her. It wasn't my place to out him and his roaming gnome of a dick. I mean, he was gonna break her heart ... but what right did I have to shove a knife in?  I was young ... she pissed me off ... and I was a redhead with a short fuse and a smart mouth ... but that's no excuse.

I'm getting off track ... back to Tiger and Elin ...

For me personally, there are two things you can take to the bank ... one, no matter what day of the week it is or what time zone you're in when you're reading this, the sun will come up tomorrow morning ... and two, I'm never going back.   Once upon a time, I worked with a guy who explained it like this ... getting back together with your ex is like taking a drink out of the milk carton and thinking ... Damn!  This is spoiled!  But putting it back in the fridge anyway ... and taking a drink the next morning ... because ... hey, maybe this time it'll be okay.  It won't.

So, Elin ... here's to hoping you're going into this with a clear head ... and a good attorney on speed dial.

I remember when we broke up the first time
Saying this is it, I've had enough, 'cause like
We hadn't seen each other in a month
When you, said you, needed space, what?
Then you come around again and say
Baby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna change
Trust me, remember how that lasted for a day
I say, I hate you, we break up, you call me, I love you

Taylor Swift - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together