This post was just as hard to write as I predicted it would be. Not because I couldn't put it into words ... oh buddy, you can't imagine the words I have ... but to make it suitable for public consumption? That was a little tougher. So today's topic is ...
First off all ... let's start with a few disclaimers before you think I'm a horrible human being ... assuming you don't already have that opinion. I'm Catholic ... I went to a Catholic grade school ... then an all-girls Catholic high school for one year before I chewed through the restraints and escaped.
I've always had an issue with staying focused during mass ... my mind just ... wanders. But I refuse to take 100% responsibility for the problem. We're talking about a denomination that puts a woman on her knees for 20 minutes ... and teaches her to open her mouth so a man can put something on her tongue. I mean ... common! What the hell do they expect?
So yesterday during mass, I was pondering this topic ... and it hit me. Most of my daydreams fit neatly into categories that match the seven deadly sins. See there, Sister Ann, I was paying attention in class ... suck on that. So take a seat ... here's a rough idea of what's going through my head while everyone else is singing hymns ... and, coincidentally, a rough idea of what's going to land me in purgatory for a long ... long ... time.
Greed - This one is pretty standard ... and is strictly rated G. Everyone imagines what they would do if they won the lottery or came into money. Sometimes when I'm daydreaming it's mundane ... thinking of how I'd pay off my mortgage and car note. Other times my mind wanders into more unique territory ... places I'd go ... things I'd do ... how thin I could be if the cost of elective surgery wasn't an issue ...
Gluttony - This one is a little more uncommon ... but is again rated G. Basically it only comes up if I've skipped breakfast and lunch ... and I'm sitting in that pew thinking about what I'm going to have for dinner if the priest would just hurry the hell up. It's not like I sit around fantasizing about food most of the time ... but I can't deny that there are nights where I'd blow someone for a basket of breadsticks and Alfredo sauce.
Wrath - Easily rated R, this one is rare these days. But back in January, February, March of last year? Back then there were times my mind wandered to involved scenarios of mayhem involving me running someone over with my car. Luckily for that person ... I really like my car ...
Envy, Pride, Sloth - I donno ... I don't really sit and daydream about other people's shit ... and I don't have a lot to be prideful of ... but I do daydream about being back in my bed during some of the longer sermons ... especially now that I have these soft, warm flannel sheets ...
Lust - Been waiting on this one, huh? Yeah ... this distraction is embarrassingly common, strictly rated NC-17, and nearly impossible to share on a blog. Despite being encouraged to let it all out, I've been trying to write an example for awhile, but everything comes out looking like some sort of redacted top-secret government report ...
I can feel the adjective, adjective noun under my noun
as his noun verb adjective noun. My noun verb as I
Yup ... that lascivious mad lib up there? That's pretty much what I'm thinking about ... from the opening hymn to the closing prayer. At any given point in mass, I'm doing something in my head that would keep me in a confessional booth for hours. Hmmm ... but now that I'm thinking about it ... that confessional booth is sound proof ...
Come out Virginia, don't let me wait
You Catholic girls start much too late
Aw But sooner or later it comes down to fate
I might as well be the one
You Catholic girls start much too late
Aw But sooner or later it comes down to fate
I might as well be the one
Billy Joel - Only the Good Die Young
