Sunday, January 06, 2013

Waiting For Daylight ...

When everything happened ... Christmas of 2011 ... I was scared.  I don't like to admit that to anyone ... because I hate feeling weak.  But I had just gotten out of the hospital ... wasn't even released to drive yet ... and I found myself alone in a big house.

I started having nightmares.  Terrible nightmares ... mainly about people breaking in.   I woke up most nights screaming.  I bought a baseball bat ... it seemed easier than buying a gun.   At first I kept it by the side of the bed ... but I ended up sleeping with it in the bed most nights.  It didn't help.

Then I got a lock for the bedroom door.  I told myself that ... even though it wouldn't keep out someone who was really intent on getting in ... I would at least hear something.  I wouldn't wake up to someone standing over my bed.  I told myself I would hear the door rattle and the knob turn ... it would give me time to get help.

I'm not sure what helped ... that lock ... or time.  But between the two ... and my baseball bat ... I learned to relax.  I wasn't quite as jumpy any more.  I didn't dread going to sleep quite as much.  The nightmares faded.

Until this weekend.  Friday night was bad ... but last night was ... awful.  At one o'clock I got up to got a glass of water after a dream about trying to find somewhere safe to hide during a terrible storm.  That was unpleasant ... but I went right back to sleep.   About four o'clock I woke up screaming.  I thought someone was rattling the bedroom door.   I woke hearing myself yell, "Who's there?"  And as soon as I heard the words, I knew it was a dream ... there wasn't anyone there.

But knowing I was safe didn't stop my heart from racing and it didn't stop my my hands from shaking.   I finally gave up the idea of going back to sleep.  I played my turn on a few games and then came here.  I've sat here trying to think of what I could've done to cause this ... and I just don't have a clue.   I haven't had a night like this for six months or more.

But it's alright ... I'll make the bed and start some laundry.  In another hour or so it'll be daylight ... maybe I'll be able to get some sleep then ...

Hush now don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game
Of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake, you face the day
Your dream is over...
Or has it just begun?

Queensrÿche - Silent Lucidity