Okay ... the phrase "ruined my life" is a bit hyperbolic. Let's rename this post ...
Okay, first ... let's talk about Valentine's Day. Mine was beautiful ... despite having a cough and feeling like I'd been run over by a small train. Someone special had flowers delivered to my work ... which, quite honestly, was better than an IV drip of morphine. Seriously ... in the span of ten minutes, I went from sitting at my desk thinking ... "Holy shit ... I think I might be dying ..." to "Alright alright alright, check out my roses bitches!"
I could gush about the chocolate he gave me that night ... which I'm still eating ... or the beautiful card ... or the bear who sleeps with me every night ... but let's talk about what I got him ...
As you may remember from this post ... I have a strange fascination with imagining his poker nights as some sort of Soprano-esque adventure. And even though he's told me many times that reality is far from what I've got going on in my head ... I'm sticking with it. Dammit, it's just more fun my way.
And so, for Valentine's Day ... I made him an "Emergency Poker Kit." In honor of my belief that cigars, bourbon, and porn are the basis of men playing poker ... I filled a box with the necessary tools for a quick game.
The only "real" gift in it the box was a set of Chasing Amy poker cards I found on Kevin Smith's website. But I also went to a local cigar shop and dealt with cranky old men in order to get him a cigar ... which I chose because it came in this cute little tube. Hey, I'm a girl ... what did you expect? I also went to a local liquor store and picked up a small airline-size bottle of bourbon. The clerk got a little frustrated with me when I insisted the bottle had to say the word "bourbon" on it ... but I found one.
Those three were fine. It's the last gift that has gotten me in trouble.
The last piece in this puzzle would be porn, right? Well, I wasn't going to get him porn porn ... not that I wouldn't ... but it didn't seem like a very classy Valentine's thing to do, right? So instead I decided a cute nod to porn would be one of those pens where the girl strips her bikini off when you turn it upside down? I looked online and was trying to decide between one on Amazon and one on E-Bay. After talking to the seller on E-Bay and being assured they would send me a redhead ... I went with them.
So what's the problem? E-Bay now thinks they must tell me about everyone selling nudie pens. They apparently also think I'm interested in the odd combination of joke gifts and sex. Every couple days I get an e-mail telling me about great deals on nudie pens, glow in the dark toilet paper, stink bombs, and furry handcuffs.
As if that weren't bad enough, I also get e-mails from Amazon offering me great deals on pens with tiny nude women! As if nudie pens are the only thing I've ever searched on. I've bought two dozen things off Amazon in the last year ... none of them involved strippers on writing utensils.
My e-mail is now a sea of rubber chickens and tiny nude women. Would I do it again? For him ... of course. But for the sake of argument ... any of you out there thinking of doing something like this? Use a junk e-mail address. You really don't want to see this every day ...
I'll be your Tennessee Lamb
And we can walk together down in Dixieland
Down in Dixieland
Little Feat - Dixie Chicken