Live Blogging the Super Bowl - 2013 - First Half

 

Years ago, I used to live blog the Super Bowl commercials ... um, generally because I know about as much about football as I know about car repair ... I can actually watch it happening ... and yet I only have a vague idea of what they're doing.

 

I think I stopped blogging about the commercials after 2008 after I kind of fell into a funk ... but I'm back, baby!  And my first thought ... damn, there's a lot of football.  Didn't there used to be more commercials?  Am I on the wrong channel?

 

Side note:  Guys playing football have long hair now ... I thought that wasn't allowed.  When did they allow that?  This one dude in a white jersey has hair going mid-way down his back.  The team that isn't my Aunt's favorite team just scored ... that's as much as I'm invested in this.  Where the hell are the commercials?!

 

Break One

 

Budweiser Black Crown - C - Sexy song ... I dig the song ... but ... um, I don't really drink beer so beer commercials are lost on me.  I did ask though ... and I have it on good authority ... wait ... how did he describe it?  Budweiser is rebottled piss.  And so, on that trustworthy recommendation, ... I'll pass. 

 

M&M's - I'll Do Anything For Love - B+ - Aw ... the little M&M Dude making out with Santana ... that was cute ... and I do want some M&M's now.  Good job, Mars ... winning!

 

Audi - Prom Kiss - B+ - That was kinda awesome. You go, kid!  Drive that cool car!  Get a detached retina!  It's totally worth it!  (It's not totally worth it ...)

Break

 

Hyundai - Come Back When You Have a Team - B - Cool music ... kick ass little kids ... not bad.  Still don't want a Hyundai.

 

Go Daddy - Nerd Kiss - C - Um ... wow ... weird?  I'm all for my nerd brethren getting a little lovin' but ... um ... uncomfortable much?

 

Doritos - Chip Eating Goat - A+ - Oh ... my ... God.  I love that goat!  His little scream ... him kicking the door closed behind him ... I love him!  I shall buy Doritos simply because of you, tiny angry goat!

Break

 

Pepsi Next - House Party - C - I don't know.  Not impressed.  Seems like it's been done before?  Although quite frankly it does make me want to try Pepsi Next so ... they have that going for them.

 

Best Buy - Amy Pohler - A - God, what can't Amy Pohler do?  I love her ... I want to hang out with her and have some M&Ms and some Pepsi Next.

 

Budweiser Black - Again - D - This is the song from Two Broke Girls.  This commercial didn't make me want beer ... it made me really want a cupcake.  Fail, Budweiser ... fail.

 

Oz The Great and Powerful - This isn't a product advertisement ... but fuck James Franko.  Fuck him hard.  Go smoke some more weed ... and stay out of my movies for awhile Franko, okay?

Break

 

Coke - Hidden Cameras - B+ - Awwww, I like to see positive messages ... and I love Coke.  I love it ... I mean I would've named my first child Coca Cola.  This is why Jesus didn't give me babies ... what were we talking about?  Oh yeah!  Hidden cameras and stolen kisses ... for the win.

 

Oreo - Cookie/Cream War - D - Fuck Instagram ... I don't even give a crap about Oreos and this commercial I hate Instagram and the hipsters who live there.  Fuck your whispery crap.  I do kinda want an Oreo.

 

Rav 4 - Genie Wishes - B - Cute!  I like Penny ... I know she isn't Penny ... I don't care.  I'm not getting that car ... but they get a B just for hiring her.

Break

 

Doritos - Princess Guys - B - Cute ... anytime a guy wants to dress up and play princess is cool with me ... bonus points for purple eyeshadow. 

 

Calvin Klein - Underwear Dude - D - Seriously?   Not even close ...

 

Cars.com - Wolf Drama - C - You had me on the cute puppy ... lost me on the rabid wolf mom.  More puppies!

Bud Light - Stevie Wonder Mojo - Um ... wow ...  sometimes I feel really stupid.  This one of those moments.  I mean, Stevie Wonder is awesome but ... does that make you guys wanna buy beer?  I just ... whatever ...

 

Go Daddy - Big Idea - C - Yeah, yeah, yeah ... we all get the same ideas ... there's nothing new under the sun.  Isn't this Go Daddy?  Why aren't there girls making out?

Break

 

Star Trek - Again ... not a product advertisement per se ... but ... awesome sauce!

 

Got Milk - The Rock - B+ - That was cute ... all the hero crap he passes on so he can get his kids milk before going to work?  Adorbs ...

 

Hyundai - Following Toxic Waste, Fireworks, Etc. - C - I don't know ... maybe our culture is just running out of ideas?  How many ways can you convince me to buy your brand of car?

Break

Volkswagen - Jamaican - C - I've owned  two Volkswagens.  They do not remotely make you this happy ... sorry to break it to you.  Unless that dude is smoking Jamaican weed in the Volkswagen on lunches and breaks ... nope.

Break

Coke - Chase - D - So ... let me see if I get this straight ... Arabs ... and cowboys ... and Mad Max extras ... and showgirls ... are all competing to get to a giant bottle of Coke?

Subway - Jared - A - You know what?  I'm not even gonna be snarky about this.  I fight with weight and body issues every single day ... and if Jared can keep it off for 15 years ... then good for him!  Way to go, Jared!

Note:  I just realized there's also a football game going on.  My Aunt's team is getting their ass handed to them.  Sorry, Aunt Sue ...

Break

Taco Bell - Tonight We're Young - A - You know what ... that made me feel good!  I hope when I'm that age I'm sneaking out of the nursing home to grab a taco!

Sketchers - Gazelle - B - Okay then ... cute ... not awesome but ... cute ...

Break

Lincoln - D - Were they really just trying to sell Lincolns ... using ... Abraham Lincoln?  Alright, who slipped me acid?!  Goddammit I said no acid tonight!  I've gotta work tomorrow, people!

And that's wraps up the first half!   The winner?
Doritos and their Angry Little Goat hands down!
Oh wait ... you mean who's ahead in the game?
Fuck if I know ...