Saturday, April 13, 2013

I'm Gonna Need a Bigger Broom ...

All apologies for not posting yesterday.  I was ... pleasantly distracted.  But for what it's worth, I didn't completely ignore the blog ... we did spend a little time on the "what to call him" conundrum.  He suggested White Chocolate or Buc Nasty.  Neither of those, while colorful, are going to work for me.  I was partial to "my special little friend" ... but now that I'm typing that out, I realize it has a completely different meaning than what I was going for.  Okay so ... yeah, none of those.  Stay tuned ... I'm sure we'll come up with something better ...

So this morning, I woke up at the ass crack of dawn.  In case you're curious ... the ass crack of dawn is around 7:30 when it's a Saturday.   So I rolled around a little ... cursing the Honey Boo Boo clan for making whatever noise that woke me up ... crawled out of bed and opened the curtains.   The sun was shining ... the day looked beautiful ... and as I was looking around, I noticed all the sticks and branches on the roof of the porch.  It was at that moment I made one of my fabulous decisions ...
I'm gonna get out there on that roof and sweep those off ...

The roof didn't look too steep ... and I told myself that even if it was a little scary, I could have this banged out and be back inside safe and sound in ten minutes.  Easy peasy!   I went downstairs, got the broom ... came upstairs, opened the window, lifted the screen, and stuck my leg out.
First off ... I have to say that "steep" is a relative term.  Standing outside on the driveway, the porch roof doesn't look steep at all.  Sitting halfway out the bedroom window, the perspective on that angle changes considerably.  And it was cold .... cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.  Plus, even though there's only sixteen inches or so from floor to window on the inside ... there's a bigger drop from window to roof on the outside.
I'm sitting there ... half in ... half out ... and I had the following conversation with myself ...

I should go back in and get my phone.  That way if I fall and get hurt I can call for help.  But ... if I fall with my phone, I'm probably going to break my phone.  Which is going to suck because I won't be able to call for help ... but worse ... I'm gonna break my iPhone.  So ... fuck the phone.  I'll leave the phone inside.  Okay so ... if I did fall ... I probably wouldn't get hurt too bad.  Depending on what body part hit first, right?  So ... if I aimed right, I might break my arm ... but I wouldn't die necessarily.  Unless I hit my head.  Maybe if I tie something around my waist ... and then tie it to the dresser ...
At this point I had a moment of clarity ... and I realized that this plan was starting to sound like something that either the boys on Duck Dynasty would do ... or a trap that Wile E. Coyote would devise.  The only thing missing was an Acme catalog and an anvil.   So I stepped back inside, took the broom, and tried to sweep as far out as I could just reaching out the window.  This was ... to be honest ... not successful.  My arms aren't very long ... and I need a longer broom.

So ... I've come up with another ... even better ... plan!  I'm not gonna bore you with the details ... but this one involves a leaf blower.    I'm too tired to work on it now ... but mark my words ... tomorrow those branches are going to be gone!   All I need to do is dig out my leaf blower ... find the long extension cord ... and get me a Tupperware glass of iced tea.  Happy happy happy!
Can you take me high enough
To fly me over over yesterday
Can you take me high enough
It's never over
Yesterday's just a memory
Yesterday's just a memory
Damn Yankees - High Enough


  1. 2 thumbs up for the Duck Dynasty reference :)

  2. Haha ... it's my new guilty pleasure! I could watch it all day ... :)

  3. Uncle Si is my spirit animal :)