I guess I feel a little more secure seeing as how he's already heard the poop story ... and he stayed. Honestly, I can't remember any past conversation we've had around the table that was worse than that one. The one about my great grandmother yelling at her husband "You West Virginia sons a bitching tramp get your ass over that hill and don't come back!" is a colorful story ... but if he tolerated hearing about my cousin's shit explosion ... really ... how bad can a story about hillbillies be?
They love him ... I've gotten three texts in the last 24 hours asking if he will be coming tonight. It got to the point last night that I was half expecting to get a text that read, "Hey! How's it going? Stoney's coming right? You haven't run him off yet, have you? Have you?!"
1. When is *ding* a most welcome sound? - Well, I can think of two right off the bat ... the ding that signals a waiting elevator is finally at my floor ... and the ding that means my microwave popcorn is finished! Guess which one I hear more often? DING! That is correct ... microwave popcorn! And ... with that ... I've inadvertently named a third happy ding. Winning!
2. When is *ding* a most unwelcome sound? - The only bad ding I can think of ... is Breaking Bad. Hector "Tio" Salamanca ... and that damned bell on his wheelchair. Nothing says "you're in deep shit" like a Mexican drug lord staring you down while ringing a bell at you.
3. If a *ding* could be heard only by you to warn you about something in social situations, what might that *ding* alert you to, and how many times do you think you’d have heard it this week? - I wish there was a ding that would alert me when I'm about to eat something bad for me. Unfortunately that doesn't exist ... because if it did exist ... I'd be hearing that ding 24 hours a day 7 days a week. At any given moment, I'm either thinking about ... or currently in the act of ... eating something fattening. There's pretty much only one time I'm not thinking about food ... and if someone can invent a position that allows me to have a sandwich mid-coitus ... well, then I'll be living in the movie Bridesmaids and I'll have a car full of puppies and a giant cookie. Ugh! See?! I'm back to food again. I have issues.
4. A Ding Dong is a hockey-puck-shaped chocolate cake(like) dessert filled with cream and covered with chocolate. Its name is somewhat suggestive to some. What other food items have names that inspire you to think naughty thoughts? - An easier question? What doesn't inspire me to think naughty thoughts? I told you I have issues. Let's see ... I've been known to stand in a convenience store and giggle at beef jerky. I also smile whenever I hear sticky buns. Hee hee ... sticky buns. I also remember laughing my ass off the first time I heard there was such a thing as head cheese. Seriously, people ... I have the scene of humor of a 12 year old.
5. What’s an item in your possession that recently received a ding, and whose fault was it? - I suppose it would be my car ... and I'm going to blame mother nature. Last fall there was a wind storm and it knocked a piece of flashing off an eve on the backside of my house. Where did that piece of aluminum fall? On my car ... of course. All the room in the world ... it could've fallen anywhere ... but of course it fell on my car. It left a scratch on the hood ... and a nasty scratch along the top right next to the windshield. My car is black ... so it's pretty obvious. I wanted a black car for years ... and now that I have one, my advice to everyone out there ... do not buy a black vehicle unless you have a garage to store it in.
That's a wrap, everybody ... stay dry ... and have a great weekend!
And that validation bit
I don't mean to be insensitive
But I really hate that shit
Offspring - She's Got Issues