Why oh WHY Couldn't It Have Been Gain?

I found out something last night that shook me to the very core. It made me question everything I believe in ... everything I hold dear.  No, I didn't find out Jesus was a Mormon ... I found out ... sigh ... I found out that my guy wears Axe.  Why does this matter?  Because I fucking hate those goddamned Axe commercials ... and yet ... sweet Jesus, I loooooove the way he smells.

Those commercials ... those stupid goddamned commercials.  Women throwing themselves at mannequins.  Women ... hundreds and hundreds of horny women ... running and swimming and leaping to get to a man spraying Axe on his chest.  Hell there's an Axe infomercial with Joy Hickey showing men how to clean their balls.  Ugh!  As a woman, those commercials annoy the living hell out of me.  For years I have hated those commercials.  Only to find out ... I'm a hypocrite.

I mean ... anyone could've told you my guy smells good. Oh man, so good.  For instance, we saw a movie last weekend and our seats weren't awesome.  At one point there's like fifty versions of Iron Man on the screen and it devolves into a confusing mess ... so I just kinda tuned out and laid my head against his shoulder.  Well, not his shoulder ... he's much taller than me so more accurately I laid my head against his arm.  Anyhow, everybody around me was trying to follow the story.  Meanwhile, I just said fuck it and sat there ... happily breathing ... trying not to look like I was smelling him.

I've meant to ask him for the longest time what kind of cologne he uses ... I just kept forgetting.  And I continued to forget until I was sitting in bed last night watching Duck Dynasty and a commercial came on for Gain.  The ad was basically sixty seconds of people trying to smell this guy's shirt ... and I thought ... "Ah hah!  There's my answer!  Gain!"  I grabbed my phone and casually texted him ... "So, what kind of detergent do you use?"  He answered and at that moment, the world shifted on it's axis.  Get it ... axis?  Ha!  I kill me. 

Anyhow, he uses Tide ... same as me.  I'm not all wibbly wobbly because of his detergent ... it's Axe.  Jesus Christ ... I never knew.  Axe ... it's like fucking catnip!  I am ashamed of myself!  I'm a feminist!  I am woman ... hear me roar!  I want to be respected!   However ... I also want to crawl in his lap and smell him for a couple hours.  This is humiliating ... and I'm pretty sure the makers of Axe have aerosolized crack.  Fuck at this moment, I don't even care if it is crack ... as long he keeps buying it ...

I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk
But I run back to you
That's why I hate myself for loving you

Joan Jett - I Hate Myself