Sunday, July 14, 2013

I'm Not Proud ...

I've never been a jealous person ... but over the years, I've had girlfriends who were utterly irrational about it.  They would check their boyfriend's phone ... one monitored his bank account ... another checked their husband's pay stub every pay period to verify that he was working the overtime he claimed.

It never made sense to me.  I always wanted to tell them that if they had that little faith in their partner, maybe they shouldn't have been doing the humpty dance with them in the first place.  Okay, sure ... in retrospect, given how my last relationship ended ... maybe they were right and I was wrong?   Hindsight is 20/20 ...

Anyhow ... today something happened.  It had nothing to do with me ... and I'm not so narcissistic to try and make it about me.   In fact, I have no idea why I got pulled into it in the first place.   If I had to make a guess, I think J was looking for a friendly ear to bend.  He wanted to vent about a woman  ... without realizing I already knew a bit about her.  I'm not upset with him for sharing things with me; but it put me in the difficult position of keeping his secret and risking him getting hurt ... or bringing up a bad topic with Stoney.  

I sat and stewed about the whole mess until my stomach was killing me.  After brooding for an hour or so ... I broke my promise and told Stoney what was going on. If my only two choices were having J angry with me ... or watching him get hurt ... I hoped his anger was the lesser of two evils.

But the honest truth ... is that for one brief moment, I considered being selfish.  There was a short moment where I considered staying quiet ... not out of concern for keeping a promise ... but because I was jealous.  I thought of a dozen different scenarios that all ended badly ... her saying she made a mistake ... her saying she wanted to be with him ... ugh.  For a brief moment all I could think was, "I said it ... and now it's all going to fall apart."

Then ... I had my moment of zen.  I remembered my best friend's words, this time in a different light.  Fix this.  She would be furious with me if I let J get hurt just because I was being petty and jealous ... and I am not a jealous person.   I'm ashamed that I even went there.

It's alright ... Stoney and I talked ... and we got J to talk to Stoney directly.  The two of them can deal with this.  J needs to hear his perspective ... and I need to not hear about her manipulations.  In the end, I'm ready for it to be Monday.  It's been a wonderful, amazing weekend ... and that's what I'm going to focus on.  Not my brief encounter with all things green ...

Tell me do you think it'd be all right
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
And anyway I've got no place to go
And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might not be alone

Gin Blossoms - Hey Jealousy

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