Ups and Downs ...

Losing someone is so hard ... and the bottom line, I guess, is that we all deal with it in different ways.  In the beginning, I imagined that we'd be this group of "survivors" ... that all of us who loved her and missed her would cling to one another ... and that it would take time but we'd get through the grief together.  I guess that was pretty naive of me ... but you live and you learn.

Tonight I gathered pictures of my best friend to use in a scrapbooking project this weekend ... a plan that I'm coming to realize is a horrible, horrible idea.  Taking them off the boards and organizing it all took a toll ... and I found myself sitting here so heartsick ... which lead to stupid, illogical thoughts ... like ... if she hasn't found her door, why wouldn't she visit me?

Ugh ... I was angry all over again ... angry at all the years I missed being with her ... and angry at all the things she's going to miss with me now.  I don't know if I can sit at a table and laugh and joke with a everyone ... and look these pictures and make something with them without crying and looking like a complete simpleton.

I don't have that group of "survivors" that I thought I would ... that dream died pretty hard.  But I have Stoney ... and, while I try to filter out a lot of the garbage, he listens to me vent ... and even better, he vents with me.  On second thought ... I guess the two of us are my group of survivors ... we're just a very small group.

It'll get better ... it has to, right?  But for right now, I'm thinking this scrapbooking thing was a bad idea.  Since I can't get out of going ... and even if I could I wouldn't do that to First Wife ... I'm going to have to find a different set of pictures.  Looks like I'll be making another trip to Walgreens ...

When tragedy befalls you
Don't let it drag you down
Love can cure your problem
You're so lucky I'm around
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
Let my love open the door
To your heart

Pete Townshend - Let My Love Open The Door