Thursday, August 15, 2013

All Your Life Is Time Magazine ...

Let's hear it for honesty ... albeit belated. 

I have written before about my overwhelming need to avoid confrontation.  It takes so much for me to get in someone's face ... to be the person who says, "YOU ... I have had ENOUGH." 

I used to be that person ... I don't want to be that person anymore.  I used to be seventeen and brash and proud of my red hair and my temper.  But the chick who grabbed a girl's head and slammed it into a locker because she pissed me off?  That chick ... is long gone.  She's been replaced by a very zen person who wants to be happy ... and wants everyone else to be happy.  That's not a bad thing, right?

But conversely ... as much as I don't like confrontation ... I don't like to lie.  So if you ask me what's wrong, I will tell you.  Although sometimes I do fall prey to that whole, "I'm fine" thing ... I'm making a conscious effort not to do that.

Today my friend's husband surprised me when he asked me if he was talking too much about this new girl he's crushing on.  He came right out and asked if he was making it hard on me.  So I told him ...

Yes.  Yes ... it was hard.  And even though I thought he deserved to be happy and I didn't think bad of him for wanting to move on ... that I still missed her so much that I couldn't even put it into words.  I told him I didn't expect him to wait on me to be done being sad ... but I wasn't done being sad.

So I'm giving him credit ... he has backed off ... at least for tonight.  No more talking about wanting to kiss her or hold her.  No more talking about what kind of birth control she's on.

I've decided tonight that it's time ... not to let go ... but to release a little.  He isn't going to listen to any words of wisdom from me or Stoney or anyone else.  He is driving 100 miles per hour and he doesn't want to hear anything from us unless we're yelling, "Faster!"  I'm done telling him to breathe or to slow down ... it doesn't do any good.

My primary problem has been that I have always thought of them as a pair ... they were together for over 20 years.  It's not that I don't consider him a friend ... but primarily, in the card catalog of my brain, he was listed under "my best friend's husband." 

It's time for me to mentally break that connection.  She was my best friend.  He is my friend.  Those are two separate facts and they're going to have to be in two compartments in my head and in my heart.  That's all there is to it.

And frankly?  I'm tired of thinking about his relationship all the time.  I want to go back to thinking about mine ...

You have to learn to pace yourself
You're just like everybody else
You've only had to run so far
So good

Billy Joel - Pressure

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