I'm troubled ... conflicted. I feel like a hypocrite.
I've been sitting here ... enjoying my Sunday ... relaxing mostly. I did a little laundry. I cleaned the kitchen up ... wiping the counters and washing the dishes I used to make banana pudding yesterday. I ran a couple errands. But, all in all, my biggest accomplishment is simply unwinding.
I've been contemplating a few things ... and I'm thinking I'm a bad person.
On one hand ... don't we love it when our men show emotion? I'll never share things that are private and personal here ... but there are times in a relationship where we let our guard down ... and we let our loved one inside. Times when we tell them we care ... or admit that we're hurting ... or tell them that we need them. We're expected to do that. Women are notorious for being emotional creatures. But when a man lets you in? It's a very, very touching thing.
And yet ... when J texts or comes over and acts all gooey and silly ... it irritates the bejesus out of me. That makes me a hypocrite, right? I should think it's sweet and wonderful that he's wearing his heart on his sleeve, right?
Last night, after J left ... taking every bit of romantic proclivity with him, I might add ... Stoney and I were sitting on the couch, bone-tired and ready to drop. In the course of discussing his visit, I said, "Do you know what bugs me? He sounded like a girl. I've had these conversations with girls before. And he sounded like a girl."
Now that it's another day and I've had time to think ... I feel bad. How horrible I am? Sure, part of the problem is that it's hard watching him forget my best friend so quickly. But part of is that I'm befuddled. Is this how men talk when they're alone? I can't deny that, on occasion, I've called my best friend and lamented, "Do you think he likes me?" But do guys do that too? Does one man call another man all giddy and gushingly ask, "She says we should see a movie this week. That's a good sign, right???"
If it melts my heart when Stoney kisses me on the head and says something sweet ... why do I become Hit Girl when J is around? Why do I have this almost uncontrollable urge to tell him to stop acting like a pussy??
I'm thinking it makes me a hypocrite ... and I'm thinking it's something I need to work on. Especially considering I don't think the problem will be going away anytime soon.
He had to man up.
So he crawled up on that cross,
And he stuck it out.
And he manned up.
Christ, he manned up.
And taught us all
What real manning up is about!
The Book of Mormon - Man Up