Sunday, September 01, 2013

Why, God ... Why?

It was the best of times ... it was the worst of times.   It was the age of mouth-watering highs.  It was the age of douche-y lows.

Let's start with my morning.  I was sitting here working on the Saturday Six when I got a phone call from Mom.  She was happy ... just calling to visit.  She wanted to fill me in on details of the new restaurant that's opened ... and to give me some motherly advice.

She wanted to let me know ... that I was now a "football widow."  When I pointed out that I was just his girlfriend ... she assured me the term still applies.  She started giving me a talk that sounded, aside from football, suspiciously close to the talks mothers would give their virginal daughters on their wedding night.
Now, hon ... you've never dated anyone who likes football.  Football fans are ... different.  Different than baseball fans or basketball fans.  They are dedicated.  Now, there's going to come a Sunday where you feel left out.  Where you think, "Why isn't he paying attention to me?"  Now hon ... when that happens ... you just need to take a step back ... and remember that this doesn't last forever.  When the season's over?  He's gonna give you attention!  And in the meantime ... you can hang out with me or the girls.  You just need to give him and his male friends some space.
Sweet baby Jesus.  Aside from the fact that I'm not seventeen and I understand the concept of space ... Stoney and I have discussed this.  I'm not interfering with his love of all things football.  I don't want to interfere with it.  I'm perfectly capable of entertaining myself.  I can read or watch a movie or write or shop or cook or play on the Internet.  My ex had no hobbies ... not one.  I'm looking forward to a relationship with someone who enjoys things.  You love football?  That's great.  I love you ... so enjoy the game and text me later.  Want a sammich?

Fast forward ... we're on to the best of times.  Stoney made this chicken-tater tot-cheese-bacon casserole thing in the crock pot that was the definition of comfort food.  It was so good.  How good was it?  I'm eating right now for breakfast ... and I don't eat leftovers.  It was a foodgasm.

In other best of times news, Stoney bought us Cards Against Humanity.  It is so hilarious ... and so wrong.  It is going to make for the best Totally Inappropriate Game Night (TIGN - tm) evah!  We went through part of the original set and one of the expansion decks.  There are two more expansion decks and part of the main game that we haven't seen yet.  Game night is gonna rock!

Now we come to the part of the show ... where we cry.   Cue up the "Sad Hulk Music" ...

When will I learn?  When will I learn?  It's a simple idea.  Don't pick up your phone.  Do not pick up your phone.  I am apparently the slowest learner on the planet.  Seriously?  Who do I think is texting?  The Pope?   If it weren't for Mom, I would vow from this moment forward to leave my phone in my car.  As it is, Mom doesn't know how to text ... so if I get a text, I need to ignore the goddamned thing.

We were .... watching television ... when J texted to say his blind date was over.  Stoney and I both wondered how the date went ... and so we made the fatal error of asking.   His response?  Can I just stop by?

Um ... J ... we haven't been together for twenty years.  Our Saturday date night ... is similar to your Saturday date night.   No ... no, it's really not because there wasn't a remote chance of you getting any.   We are not your "old married couple" friends.  It's Saturday night ... you are harshing my buzz!

After bitching and moaning and much consternation ... I said yes.  We had to straighten ourselves and act like responsible adults.  Quite frankly it felt like having a parent walk in on you.  "What are YOU kids up to?"  He even made a joke about, "I would've just come by without texting ... but I wanted to make sure you guys had your clothes on." 

So ... you're aware it's a Saturday night and I might have my clothes off?  And yet you ask to stop by anyway?!  What kind of cruel bastard are you?!

By the time he left ... it was like all the energy had been sucked out of the room.  He killed the mood.  I gave Stoney a hug and a kiss and headed for home.  And the entire drive ... I plotted my revenge.  Oh, I shall have it, J ... make no mistake about it.  When you least expect it?  Expect it!

You know it's kind of hard
Just to get along today.
Our subject isn't cool,
But he fakes it anyway.
He may not have a clue;
And he may not have style.
But everything he lacks
Well he makes up in denial.

The Offspring -
Pretty Fly For a White Guy

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