As you can tell from my last post, yesterday was my best friend's birthday. Stoney was so sweet... and offered to go with me to the cemetery. I made a little bouquet of silk flowers ... purple was her favorite color. The tiny pot of sunflowers I left her a few weeks ago was still there ... and someone had left a new bouquet of fresh cut wildflowers. Stoney and I sat for awhile on the marble bench and talked. It was very peaceful ... and we said goodbye and that we missed her. We went to dinner afterwards ... a place she used to love. All things considered, it was a great night ...
Stoney brought me home ... and I was beyond exhausted. A lack of sleep was catching up with me. So I took Stoney's advice ... I put my dog in his kennel, took two Tylenol PM's, and crawled into bed. But just before the medicine kicked in, I texted J. I couldn't help wondering if he was the one who left the fresh cut flowers on her grave.
Sure enough, he had. He took the flowers to the cemetery right after work. Once again, we had a conversation that left me ... baffled.
Right off the bat, he rubbed me the wrong way. He said doesn't like to go there because it makes him sad ... and he knows she would be pissed at him for being sad. I told him no ... she would understand us being sad ... we should be sad ... it's only been three months after all.
He said sometimes he feels guilty because it gets easier. I had a dozen different hurtful things I wanted to say ... but I held my tongue and instead told him that it's bound to get easier ... that's just the way life works. And then he said ...
"On a happier note, I bought a grill tonight and put it together!"
Before I could respond, he proceeded to send me a long text telling me his plans for the weekend with his new girlfriend, TGear ... how they went to lunch together ... how he'd bought the grill because he's going to grill out for her on Friday night ... how he feels like they're boyfriend and girlfriend now ... and how they're driving down to Alton on Saturday. He ended the conversation by telling me we needed to find a Wednesday or a Friday when the four of us could have dinner.
I didn't respond because ... because ... what could I say? I was baffled beyond words. You want to schedule a time for us to meet your new girlfriend ... on my best friend's birthday?
At this point, I'm lost. I have no idea what to think of him. He took her flowers ... so that has to mean that he misses her ... that he cares on some level. But ... how do you reconcile him leaving those flowers ... against him wanting to talk to me about his new girlfriend the same night?
Maybe it's me. I'm willing to accept the fact that it may just be me. Maybe it's acceptable to switch gears that fast ... maybe it's normal? It seems hurtful and insensitive ... I was her best friend ... couldn't he lie for me? Couldn't he not talk about the new girlfriend for one night? It's been three months ... not three years.
I've spent the day contemplating the situation. I don't think I can fix it ... but I have to find a way I can live with it.
Oh, here it goes again
I shoulda known, shoulda known, shoulda known again
But here it goes again
Oh, oh here it goes again
OK GO - Here It Goes Again