Note: I've been holding onto this post for the last 24 hours. I keep writing and re-writing ... deleting and editing ... but fundamentally it's the same post I wrote last night when I got home at ten thirty. So ... whether it's shocking ... or sad ... or both ... it is what it is. Here's a rundown of my Thursday night ...
So ... last night, I got to reconnect with my high school friend, Rose. We met at a local restaurant/pub at six o'clock. Four hours later, I finally got her to leave ... although, frankly, I think it had less to do with my prompting and more that they stopped serving her wine.
I just don't know what to say. Has she really changed that much? Or have I?
In all the years that my best friend and I spent apart, I never forgot her voice. When we reconnected that cold January night back in 2012, it was like we picked up a conversation that we'd be having for years. Nothing seemed odd ... it was like we hadn't seen each other in eight days instead of eight years.
But Rose? It was all so foreign. Again ... was it her or was it me?
For the entire day ... I've been numb ... just going over the evening in my head. I know more about her than I know about any other person on the planet. I know how many times she and her husband have had sex since they were married seven years ago. I know what position he prefers ... conversely I know her favorite position ... and I know that they aren't the same one. I know more about his penis than I've ever known about anyone's penis I wasn't having sex with.
I know she's had two threesomes, both with two girls because she wasn't interested in having sex with two guys. I know she doesn't like anal ... which she says is good because, as a nurse, she can assure me it's bad for the gastrointestinal tract. I know how many vibrators she currently has in her drawer. I know how good her first husband was in bed. I know that she slept with two gay guys ... but, unfortunately, it didn't "fix" them.
I know all this ... without sharing a single thing about my intimate life. My side of the conversation consisted of the following ...
cool ... how many? ... okay ... didn't that hurt?
I'm not judging ... I swear I'm not. But even now, eighteen hours after we parted, I'm just utterly shell shocked. I am probably the most open, forward person I know ... or at least I was until last night. My best friend and I knew each other for 30 years. She knew some of my deepest secrets. But in all those years, I never sat at a booth with her and heard her say, "We have really got to go shopping for vibrators tomorrow ... mine just does not have enough heft ... or speed." Okay ... wait ... what?
Rose is the very definition of enigma. She's a conservative Republican ... who gave me a 30 minute lecture on the health care system and her (intensely strong) feelings about Obama. She's very religious ... and told me she was disappointed in her daughter's grades in her theology class. But this same woman took her wedding rings off, drank six glasses of wine, and filled me in on the best day to visit the local sex shop. It's Friday, in case you're wondering ... apparently they offer double punches on their loyalty card.
She asked me to come see her daughter sing at a special performance at her Catholic school ... then told me a dozen reasons why I had to switch to thong underwear. On top of all that? I'm not sure ... but I think she's having an emotional affair with a guy online in another state. I don't know ... the entire night was surreal ... it was Kafkaesque.
I'm in a bad position. I don't have a best friend anymore. And if I'm being honest, I guess I hoped Rose would fill that space ... but I don't see how that can happen. I'm never going to share a fraction of what she openly shares with me. Plus, I'm not remotely cool with someone taking their rings off to "play single" for the evening.
I don't know ... maybe we'll might meet up for dinner again sometime? But in the end? The whole evening was a resounding disappointment. Maybe my mom's right ... if you haven't had any contact with someone for 25 years, there's probably a good reason.
I miss having a best friend. I miss my best friend ... but it looks like the space she filled is going to be empty for a long, long time.
What I'm looking for
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for
I Still Haven't Found
What I'm Looking For