Tuesday, November 26, 2013

... AND My New Gingerbread House Stamps Are AWESOME ...

I ran a few errands today at lunch ... which, while a little stressful, was a lot better than sleeping in my car like a hobo ... as I did yesterday.

I needed to mail a CD of Christmas songs to a girl I used to work with ... and I wanted them to get to her in time for decorating the tree this weekend.  Then I remembered my Christmas cards ... and I figured while I was at the Post Office, I would pick up a pack of Christmas stamps as well.

Good plan, huh?

Driving down Wabash, I noticed there was a "pack n' go" type place on my right.  And given the choice between trying somewhere new and fighting the usual chaos at the Post Office?  I turned into the lot.  I took my package in ... and as the elderly man was ringing me up, I asked, "Do you sell Christmas stamps?"  He didn't look up ... he just nodded and said, "Yup."  I pulled out my wallet and said, "Along with the package, can you also add a pack of Christmas stamps to my total?"

He looked up at me ... with so much disdain it's hard to describe.  "I don't have any Christmas stamps."  I looked confused (obviously) and he snapped, "You asked if we sell them.  We do.  But since Thanksgiving isn't over, we don't have any to sell."

I guess I'm a glutton for punishment because I cocked my head to the side and innocently said, "So ... you're saying you're out?"

Jumping Jesus on a rubber tipped crutch.  He looked at me like I'd just said, "Would you mind if I fucked this goat here in your store?  The demon god, Baal, demands it."

He actually stopped what he was doing, took his glasses off, and regarded me in the same manner I regard dog shit that I find on the bottom of my shoe.   "WE celebrate Thanksgiving in this store.  We do not SELL Christmas stamps until AFTER we've celebrated Thanksgiving.  I will pick up our supply of Christmas stamps sometime next week."

Ohhhhhkay then.

I paid him for my package.  He'd already wrapped it up, weighed it, and put a sticker on it ... so I couldn't hardly grab it and run ... although I did consider it for a moment.  But I left his store, drove the two blocks down to the Post Office ... and bought my goddamned Christmas stamps.

Listen ... you believe in the whole "war against Christmas" thing.  I get it.  I respect it.  I love Thanksgiving and I want to preserve it as well.   But if I want to sit on my bed and address Christmas cards tonight or tomorrow or in the middle of June ... it is not your place to judge me.   All you've done is guarantee that I won't spend another dollar at your establishment.

So ... Happy Thanksgiving, pack n' go.  Now go fuck yourself.

Eat that turkey
All night long
Fifty million Elvis fans
Can't be wrong
Turkey lurkey doo and
Turkey lurkey dap
I eat that turkey
Then I take a nap

Adam Sandler - The Thanksgiving Song


  1. Now, wait a minute. On November 12 -- that's a mere two weeks ago -- you were complaining about the malls being decorated for Christmas. I get that you're annoyed with the guy's attitude and maybe even his not having what you wanted, but go F yourself seems a bit harsh coming from someone who posted an illustration of pilgrims aiming their blunderbusses at Rudolph just a fortnight before. Don't you think?

  2. I've been meaning to come back here and write you for DAYS now, Scrivener ... I just kept forgetting.

    No ... I don't think it's harsh. And here's why ...

    Yes ... I did walk through the mall cringing at the music and ... let's be honest ... being "judgy" at them for having their decorations and Santa out so early. BUT ...

    But I didn't go to a single person and tell them it was inappropriate. I didn't walk up to Santa or his minions and tell them that they were destroying Thanksgiving. I didn't tell the clerk at Spencer's that the Christmas music was too early or ruining my Thanksgiving holiday.

    I respect that this dude has limits. And at his business, he will not sell Christmas items before December. That's fine ... and I respect it. But there wasn't any reason to give me an attitude. A simple, "We won't have our supply until December 4th" would've been enough.

    So ... now that I've thought about it ... I'm sticking with the fuck you. He had it coming.

    AND ... when I read your comment it tickled me because I hadn't heard the word "blunderbuss" in DECADES. Then I watched Looper and was like ... hmmmm ... I guess it's coming back. hahaha :)

    Happy Thanksgiving AND Christmas, Scriv!