Saturday, November 23, 2013

The Things We Don't Notice ...

You know how every once in awhile it takes someone pointing something out for you to actually get it?  I had an "aha moment" today.

Stoney and I spent today hanging out ... just a nice relaxing Saturday ... and at the end of our visit, I mentioned I had another one of my stressful, vivid dreams.  Let's back up ...

So last week I had a dream.  Stoney, his dad, his mom, and I were driving around on a Sunday.  We saw a farmer's market and Stoney and his dad wanted to go.  His mom didn't and I said, "That's alright, you boys go walk around and I'll stay in the car and visit with your mom!"  We waited and waited (and waited) and they never came back.  I told her, "No worries!  Let's drive to the Walmart down the street and we'll call for help." 

This part gets long and convoluted ... but we ended up inside this weird "alternate universe" Walmart ... it was like being in an episode of Lost.  It was deserted and we couldn't find an exit.  Finally an employee walked up to me and presented a letter from Stoney.  It said ... "I don't know why you left us.  If you don't want to be me with me anymore, that's fine.  But could you at least bring back my mom?"

I woke up pissed off.  "You didn't come back!  You're fine with not being with me?  Well, you're the one who left and didn't come back!  Oh, and I didn't take your mom!"  I walked around the house getting ready for work ... all out of sorts.  I knew it wasn't logical ... but it put a cloud over my whole morning.

Fast forward ... last night I had another dream.  Stoney I went to this amazing, posh resort.  It was on the beach and there were white sands and sapphire blue waters everywhere.  It was gorgeous.  We ended up playing some game and winning a lot of tokens.  We took them to the concierge desk and traded them in for room service.  We ordered a bunch of really amazing sounding food ... I remember ordering a piece of toffee-caramel cheesecake ... and the clerk told us to head back to our rooms and it would be waiting for us when we got there. 

As we walked away from the desk, Stoney said he had to run an errand ... at a resort?  I don't know ... it was a dream ... go figure.   But he told me to go ahead and he would meet me back at the room.  I realized a little while later that I didn't know our room number.  Or where it was.  And I didn't have a key.  So I went back to the concierge desk and asked for directions to our room.  They told me the room was in his name and they couldn't give me the information without his permission.  They called the room ... but he'd put the phone on "do not disturb."  They told me their hands were tied ... to just have a seat and wait for him to come find me.  So ... I was stuck at this resort ... almost in tears ... and no one would help me.

I jolted awake ... it was three a.m.  This time I wasn't pissed ... I was just panicked and stressed.

So fast forward back to today.  When I told Stoney about this second dream, he pulled me in for a big hug and a kiss and said, "Aw, my girlfriend has crazy abandonment issues."  My first reaction was, of  course, "I do not!!"   I argued for maybe twenty seconds, "I do not have abandonment issues ...." ... when it hit me ...

Wow ... well ... according to those dreams, it would seem I do.

It's weird how something it so obvious to other people ... but it's lost to us.  Maybe we're too close to the forest to see the trees?   I'm not crazy ... but after all that crap a couple years ago, I guess I do have issues.   I'm not freaking out if he doesn't text me (like some people we know) ... but apparently I've got worries in my head.  I guess I can be thankful it comes out in my dreams and not in every day life ...

Spare a little candle
Save some light for me
Figures up ahead
Moving in the trees
White skin in linen
Perfume on my wrist
And the full moon that hangs over
These dreams in the mist

Heart - These Dreams

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