I wouldn't say I'm an atheist. Atheism never made sense to me. It's just as arrogant to insist, without any proof, that there is no god ... as it is to insist that there is. We have no way of knowing either way. Which, I suppose, makes me agnostic. Please don't tell my mother.
These thoughts came to me ... as I was driving home from work last night. I was thinking about my best friend ... about how this is our first Christmas without her ... about how I only had one Christmas with her after we reconnected ... about how unfair that seems ... and yet how I should be grateful for that one year because I might not have had one at all. Just bits of mental fluff that went through my mind as I drove past all the houses decorated with Christmas lights.
It was a progressive thought. I was thinking about how I perceive death ... that life is like a train and when someone dies, it's as if they got off at a station ... and we're left on that same train moving further and further away from them. Which lead to me thinking about suicide ...
"I want to end it" kind of way. I assure everyone I'm very happy with life
and should anything happen to me, someone better call in a CIS team.
Anyhow, progressive thought ... I was thinking about suicide and how people kill themselves to "be with" their loved ones who died ... and how they would never do it if they only knew that it wouldn't work ... that their loved ones were at a completely different station. Which is when it hit me ... wow ... maybe I am an atheist.
It's a very atheistic view to have. We're supposed to believe that when we die, we see a bright light and are escorted to heaven by our grandmother or some other dearly departed. For me to believe that when we get off the train, we won't have anyone waiting on us ... it's a very bleak, non-religious thought. Nothing a Catholic should be thinking, I'm sure ...
I don't really have a way to wrap this blog post up. There's no moral or "ah hah" moment. Just the realization that I'm questioning religion more and more.
In a world of science and discovery, how can we not look at modern-day religions and not compare ourselves to ancient people who believed in Zeus or Ra? We know lightening isn't caused by an angry god. We know that weather patterns, not God, determine crop yields. But we still believe it's a sin not to go sit in a certain spot every Sunday? That if we don't anoint a baby with holy water that it's damned? That god is all-knowing, all-seeing, and doesn't make mistakes ... except gays?
There are three days until Christmas ... and I should be thinking about sugar-plum fairies and mistletoe ... and not about this morose stuff. Still ... random things that roll around my, otherwise empty, head ...
Smile on your brother
Ev'rybody get together
Try and love one another right now
The Youngbloods -