Thursday, January 30, 2014

Coven: The Ballad Of Misty Day ...

For the last few years, one of my favorite television shows has been American Horror Story.   The first season's ghost story was my favorite.  I loved the tragic romance of Violet and Tate ... and for the record, I caught on that she was dead weeks before everyone else did.  The second season, set in an insane asylum, was alright ... but tried to shoehorn way too many supernatural elements into one season.

From the start, I was jazzed about this year.  I have thing for witches ... so a season called Coven?  That is right up my alley ...

Last night's finale left me so pissed off and disappointed.  With a payoff this sparse, I'm not sure if I'll invest in another season.  Here are my complaints ... in no particular order ...

Misty is stuck in hell?  Really?  Really??  The character who least deserved it is going to spend eternity screaming in terror while she dissects a live frog?  How is that fair?  As much as I hated this twist, I suppose it's appropriate.  This is called American Horror Story after all ... and God knows her story is horrific.

Zoe and the girls are apparating around the house and yard ... when tragedy strikes.  Really?  Isn't this supposed to be a school?  Wouldn't the dangers of apparating be covered in "Witch Basics 101"?  Harry Potter knew you could apparate into a brick wall ... maybe this school needs a Dumbledore?  Because seriously ... the adults were standing on the porch saying, "Now, be careful ..." to witches who obviously hadn't been taught how to to be witches.

Did anyone think that Kyle might be a surprise witch?  Well, warlock?  When he was holding Zoe's hand, crying, and saying, "Please come back to me ..." I would've bet my next check that she was going to sit up gasping.  I thought for sure she was going to shock everyone by waking up ... and suddenly the supreme was going to be ... a man.  That would've been cool.  Oh well ... if wishes were horses.

While we're on the subject of wishes ... and this is nothing against Cordelia ... but until the credits rolled, I was sure that Fiona was going to come back, not with a whimper, but a roar.  I just knew during the last embrace that she was going to stab Cordelia, suck in all her powers, and regenerate into the supreme.  The series would end with Fiona looking fabulous and young ... skin glowing ... smiling wickedly in a little black dress and Jimmy Choos.

But no ... Fiona dies powerless and weak ... begging for death?  This ... from the woman who, just a few days ago, was the strongest witch in the world?  Bullshit ...

And above everything else ... where is the baby??  Marie Laveau ... who I don't know ... was knocked out on Benadryl ... is not dead ... but is also in hell?  Marie stole a baby ... who was then stolen by the ghost of the house butler.  Where is this baby?  Can no one hear it crying?  What is it eating?  Where is its poops???  Seriously, people ... no one found a spare baby just lying around the house??

I'm so not happy.  I'm not happy with Aunty Red choosing to be burnt at the stake again.  I'm not happy with her crying out her favorite fashion designer at the moment of death.  That would be like me being tied to the stake and crying out, "PAPA JOHN'S!"   I really dig their pizza ... but, should I die tragically, I sincerely hope I have better things on my mind.

How did Marie die?  She was supposedly immortal ... but ended up in hell with Madam LaLaurie ... who was, incidentally, also supposedly immortal.   Fiona didn't have a soul ... but no word on how or when she lost it?  Or sold it?  None of any of this made sense.  I realize with a show like American Horror Story I need to suspend disbelief ... but common.  Be reasonable.

So it's over for another year.  It's already been renewed another season ... so they have until October to pull their shit together.  By October, maybe I'll have forgotten about the disappointment of having poor Nan holding Papa Legba's hand ... or the disappointment of having Misty trapped in hell.  But Balenciaga?  Witch, please ...

I'll begin not to love you
Turn around, see me runnin'
I'll say I loved you years ago
Tell myself you never loved me, no
And did you say she was pretty
And did you say that she loves you
Baby, I don't wanna know

Fleetwood Mac - Silver Springs

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