Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Tuesday Night Confessional ...

Everyone has idiosyncrasies.   Some people's, I'm sure, are worse than others.   I have a wide selection of quirks.   For instance ... my Blu-Ray collection is alphabetized.  I own a ridiculous amount of underwear.  I like naps ... no, I mean I really like naps.  But I have one that is probably right on the borderline of being unhealthy.

For the last two years, I don't sleep without having my bedroom door locked.  No ... that's not true.  If I'm being completely honest, the truth is ... I can't be up here ... at any time, day or night ... without having my bedroom door locked.  When I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I unlock the door ... go to the bathroom ... then come back and quickly lock the door behind me.  On weekends when I'm up here relaxing watching Netflix or reading a book ... that door is locked.

The reason I've been specifically thinking about this today ...

This morning, I noticed something in my morning routine.  My alarm goes off ... I get up, go to the bathroom, turn on my curling iron, get a drink of water, then come back to bed to read for 30 minutes or so until I have to get up.  But what else do I do?   After my drink of water, I come back in here, close the door ... and lock it.

It struck me kind of hard this morning as I swiftly turned the latch ... "Why am I doing this?"

Do I think someone has waited in the house all night?  Waited to hear my alarm go off at seven o'clock in the morning ... waited to hear me go to the bathroom ... waited to hear me get back into bed ... just so they can jump around the corner and yell, "BOO!" and then rob me?  

What in the hell is my malfunction?

I don't do this at Stoney's house.  I've never once asked him to close the bedroom door before we go to sleep.  I get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night at his house.  I walk through his house in the dark to get something to drink.  And at no time do I feel that odd underlying panic that I feel here.

I think it has less to do with my neighborhood ... or this house itself ... as it has to do with knowing he's there.  Even if I'm walking through the house in the dark, I know he's in the next room.  When I go to sleep, I'm relaxed knowing that if I have a nightmare, I can roll over and hug him.   He's my true north.  Around him I feel loved ... and safe ... even if he does tease me about Darryl and Dr. Who.

In any case ... I've lived alone before.  I had an apartment by myself for years in my early 20's ... so it's not like being alone is something new or unfamiliar.   I'm okay with being alone ... I like it for the most part.  But for whatever reason ... even thought it's been two years since all the drama and anxiety happened here ... I still don't feel comfortable until I'm up in this room with the door locked.

Sigh ... I have issues.  Maybe instead of television one night a week, I should try giving up that lock for lent ...

Cause you make me feel like
I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Yeah, you make me feel like
I've been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long

Bruno Mars - Locked Out of Heaven

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