Saturday, April 26, 2014

No More ... Just ... No ... More ...

No one owes anyone forgiveness.   No matter how sorry you may be for things you've done, no one owes you peace of mind.   Whatever burden you carry?  It isn't anyone's job to take it off your shoulders.

Today, I received several text messages from my ex-husband.  I don't know that he reads this ... but since I've been writing here for ten years, there's a fair chance he does.  And, considering I haven't blocked anyone, at the very least we can say he could read it if he wanted to.   I wrote him back ... but texts are limited.  So here is everything I have to say ... 
You ... are a storm cloud.  A storm cloud filled with sickness and anger and hurt   There isn't a situation you can't  make worse ... a smile that you can't erase.  Just seeing your name on my phone makes my stomach hurt.  Seeing a white truck around town makes me internally cringe.  You are, quite literally, a plague.

I live a simple life ... but one surrounded by family and friends and love.   You say you want to apologize ... then say you have apologized ... but you haven't.  You haven't apologized once.   When I wanted to hear it, you wouldn't say it.  And now I don't need to hear it. 

You said ... because I didn't want to meet with you ... that I want to "live in my anger."  Again with the  black and white thinking.  You act as if there are only two options ... forgive you and tell you everything between us is alright ... or live in anger. 

Oh ... but you've forgotten the third option. 

The third option is that I live ... surrounded by love and laughter and happiness ... and don't give you what you want.  That option doesn't make me angry in regards to you ... that makes me apathetic.  And the opposite of love isn't hate ... it's complete, absolute apathy.

Your first message was kind ... saying you wanted to meet and apologize because you didn't want me to hate you anymore.  When I asked what you wanted to apologize for ... and then listed about a half dozen things that you should apologize for ... your tone instantly changed.  You were, once again, the angry, judging, hurtful man we all know. 

Are you in recovery?  Is this a "make amends" thing?  Because if it is, part of making amends is facing up to the fact that not all the damage you cause can be undone or fixed.  It doesn't matter if you're sorry.  This is what you've done.  This is your doing.  And it is not my job ... or anyone else's job ... to make you feel better about yourself.

I've said this multiple times ... but I'll say it again.  Don't contact me.

I'm done.

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