I've put off writing. Every single day I think about pulling out my laptop and writing a post ... and every single day I think, "Not today."
I really don't want to be someone who mopes around ... and I don't want this small corner of the web to be the catch-all where I write all sorts of depressing stuff. I'm no Robert Smith, after all ...
June is hard. My dad died nine years ago on June 13th ... effectively ruining every fathers day from now until the end of time. Then last year my cousin passed away of colon cancer on June 20th ... and my best friend followed him on June 26th. This year we lost our Truckin' friend on June 11th.
I just give up ... let's just consider the month of June a lost cause.
I'm past being angry about someone acting like an asshole ... because I've come to accept that's who he is now. I'm past openly grieving or weeping ...
I'm just numb.
Too numb to write ... I haven't even opened my laptop to balance my account. Too numb to watch television ... I've come home from work the last two days and read a book. Too numb to talk on the phone ... Mom called me last night worried that something horrible had happened because I hadn't called her on the drive home from work.
No ... nothing horrible happened. I'm just ... tired.
I thought maybe my kidney function had gone down ... I've been so exhausted lately. I was late for this month's blood test ... so I ran to the clinic Monday night and let them take my blood again. I'm still at 24% function so ... that's not it. Not that 24% is good news ... I'm just saying that I've been so tired I was worried something really bad was going on.
So now ... I guess I'll just look forward to my sleep test next month. Maybe that will help? Or maybe just being out of June will help.
Charcoal burning everywhere
Rows of houses that are all the same
And no one seems to care
The Monkees - Pleasant Valley Sunday