Sometimes I think that, despite my best intentions, I'm really not a good person.
This morning, J sent me an e-mail that was full happiness over the fact that Stitcher made him dinner last night ... meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and sliced tomatoes with mozzarella. He was practically floating ... describing watching her cook ... peeling potatoes for her ... feeling lost because someone else was cooking for him.
It made me sad. Not just, "Awwww, that's sweet." I actually got teary reading it.
I remember K telling me every we talked or texted about J fixing something for dinner ... he was making barbeque chicken or spaghetti or something. And it hit me hard that there he was ... having someone take care of him for a change. Of course he was beside himself with happiness ... even over something as questionable as meatloaf.
I sat there working ... thinking all these deep thoughts ... and decided to tell him about it.
I wrote him this long e-mail ... telling him about being sad ... but only because of the contrast between the way his life was versus the way his life is now. I told him that K was always sad that she couldn't take some of the burden off of him ... and that she would be happy to know he found someone who wants to take care of him for a change.
It was much deeper and much more wordy that anything I usually send him. I told him that I wasn't comparing our lives ... because his path had been much harder than mine ... but that I understood. I explained that for fifteen years, I was the one who did all the cooking. If anyone grilled, it was me ... when the trash needed taking out, I had to do it ... if anything broke, be it the refrigerator or the car, it was up to me to fix it. So now it makes me so happy to see Stoney grilling for us ... or have him patching a wall ... or taking the trash out.
I shared a little bit of myself with J ... which is something I don't do. And what did I get?
I'm not sure if he even read my message at all. I'm not sure if he bothered to get past the first sentence to be quite honest.
The entire reply was a spooge fest ... "she said I love you ... I said I love you too ... she said she's never going to date anyone else ... we've started a notebook with all the places we're going to travel ... we sat at the park and stared into each other's eyes ..."
I didn't expect him to make it about me ... although I think this post sounds that way. But I was trying to connect to him ... to tell him I understood. And it all went over his head. And now ... I regret being nice at all. Which is why ... I am not a nice person.
We are supposed to do acts of kindness with no expectation of a return on that kindness ... and because of that expectation, I was disappointed. That's what I get ...
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
Alanis Morissette - You Learn