Friday, August 22, 2014

Oh God Make It Stop ...

So this week, I've been working in the deepest bowels of hell. 

I have a big, fat Audible account.  I usually listen to one book per week on average.  Sometimes it's more ... sometimes it's less ... much less when I was in the middle of A Song of Ice and Fire books.  Anyhow, last week I made the horrible decision to download the Audible version of "Fifty Shades of Gray." 

Don't judge me too harshly.  I've read the trilogy ... so I know how shitty the books are overall.  But I've been having a hard time at work ... and I thought ... what the hell?  Maybe listening to something sexy will take my mind off the high blood pressure, stomach pains, and eye twitch I've developed.

It ... is ... horrible.   Worse than horrible.  I need a thesaurus to find a word that can adequately express what a steaming pile of horse shit this thing is.

The problem is mainly the narration.  They chose a young woman who sounds like she was picked out of a Freshman Mixer at a sorority house just outside of Knoxville.  Imagine the phrase, "I don't make love.  I fuck ... hard."   Okay, now imagine that phrase as read by Hanna Montana.

How sexy is that?

The answer?  Not ... at ... all.  Not in the least little bit.  In fact, it has the opposite effect.   I basically wanted to take a hot shower and scrub away the bad feelings.

I've yet to delete a book without finishing it ... so I've simply put Audible aside for now.  I've been listening to my Coast to Coast AM subscription every day.   And after a week of this, I can't decide which is worse ... hour upon hour of big foot and alien abduction stories ... or listening to Hanna Montana describing the removal of a tampon as a sex act.

It's lose/lose people ...

And we can't stop
And we won't stop
We run things, things don't run we
Don't take nothing from nobody
Yeah, yeah

Miley Cyrus - We Can't Stop

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