Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Closing Those Loopholes ...

Last weekend, Stoney and I were laying in bed talking.  I mused aloud something along the lines of wishing I could find a genie in a lamp ... because I would wish to be the weight I was in high school.  Stoney said he thought most of us would wish the same thing ... because we felt like we were chunky in high school ... but now wish we could be that weight again.

I've been thinking about that wish off and on all weekend.

It wouldn't be enough to wish to return to my high school weight.   Wishing is tricky.   That kind of wish would only lead to some kind of fucked up monkey's paw situation ... where you suddenly lose an Olsen Twin's worth of weight ... but find yourself with so much loose skin you look like a human shar pei.   Or ... I'd suddenly be thin ... but find myself still carrying these enormous kidneys and spend the rest of my life looking perpetually nine months pregnant.

So ... we have to be smart about this.

I think the only way to make this work would be to wish "for the physical body I had in high school."   That way the clock rewinds ... my hair would become the waist-length red mane I had at seventeen ... I'd be thinner ... not thin by any stretch but tiny compared to now ... my boobs would no longer be acquainted with gravity ... and best of all ... my kidneys would go back to 100% function.

I'd have to specify the word "physical" in my wish ... otherwise I'd lose whatever maturity I've gained and end up drinking straight tequila like it was water again.  And as much as I'd love to have a big ol' peach margarita tonight ... wait ... let me clarify that ... as much as I'd looooove to be drinking a peach margarita tonight in a glass so big it would easily house a school of gold fish?  I would pass ... because if I had a do-over, I'd take care of my kidneys like they were made of spun glass from day one.

So ... I think I have this wishing thing figured out.  You know ... in case anyone has a spare genie lamp they aren't using?  Anyone?  Anyone?

Wish me love a wishing well
To kiss and tell
A wishing well of butterfly tears
Wish me love a wishing well
To kiss and tell
A wishing well of crocodile tears

\ Terence Trent Darby - Wishing Well

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