Thursday, September 01, 2016

I'm Better ...

So, let's pretend you're feeling better ... except for one thing.  A small thing.  But it's always there.  Always.  No matter what you're doing, you feel it.

I'm better ... really.  But when they tried to put the fistula in my left wrist, they apparently bumped a nerve. Or nicked it.  Or beat the living shit out of it. 

Whatever they did, from my wrist up to the nail, my left thumb is numb.

No, that's not right.  Numb would be relatively good.  This is like it's permanently asleep.  That burning, tingling sensation?  It's there.  All the time.  It feels like my left thumb has been plunged into a bowl of ice water and left there.  Forever.  The skin hurts.  The joint hurts.  It's like this constant low-grade ache.

Oh ... but wait ... there's more.

Occasionally ... I'll say maybe once an hour ... it feels like a needle pokes that thumb.  The fatty party ... that's basically the left part of your palm?   I'll be working or sleeping or whatever and it feels like a needle sticks that thumb.  In the same place.  Just once.  Then stops.  For about an hour.  

So you know ... I have that going for me.

I talked to the surgeon's nurse.  Who consulted with the surgeon.  Who said this is "not unexpected" ... and said it should get better.  But if not to show him when I see him next Tuesday.

I talked to the dialysis forum.  Who said this is "not unexpected" ... and said it may go away on it's own or it may require surgery.

In which case fuck thatThe thumb can fall off.  I can type with one thumb.  No more surgeries.  Stick a fork in me (HAH!  See what I did there?) cause I'm done.

So ... let's set aside that frustration for a moment ...

I'm better.  You put your hand on my inside left elbow and feel the "thrill" that means the fistula is working.  It feels like a little electric buzz. 

Did I mention that buzz irritates the ever loving fuck out of me?

But I focus on the "I'm getting better" part. 

I'm getting better.  I'm trying to ignore the buzz.  Trying to ignore the burning thumb for now.  And trying not to be terrified that this fistula won't mature enough for dialysis.  Because then what?

I feel like there is a thousand pounds on me.  Like I am constantly holding up this building ... and my (proverbial) arms are so goddamned tired.

I used to work with a woman who was a good friend of mine.  She used to say ... between two pillars lies a porch.  Which, apparently, is a Texas saying which means that two people can hold up a lot more than one person can. 

Without Stoney I think I'd probably just crawl into a ball and call it a day.   But he's my other pillar ... and that's a pretty amazing thing.  So honestly ... I do have that going for me. 

Did I mention I'm better?

If I tell you what you want to hear,
Will it help you to sleep well at night?
Are you sure that I'm your perfect dear,
Now just cuddle up and sleep tight. 

Tracy Bonham - Mother Mother

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