What Is Real?

So, I missed my dialysis treatment on Monday through no fault of my own.  My tech, a young woman who is just learning the job, infiltrated my fistula when trying to put me on the machine.  Not necessarily catastrophic ... but infiltration can destroy a fistula ... which is catastrophic.   You need at least 24 hours to "heal" ... and since I work full time my rest period would be 48 hours.

This would normally be a bad thing.  But this happened on a Monday.  Which makes it a very bad thing.  You see, I my last treatment was Friday evening.  Which means I usually have all day Saturday, all day Sunday, and all day Monday before my next treatment ... three days.  Now, due to the infiltration?  It's five days.

This is the first time I've gone this long without treatment since starting dialysis.  The problem is that I doubt myself constantly.  I'm exhausted.  Is that real?  Is it because I need treatment?  I'm nauseous.  Is that real?  It feels real.  Is my blood that dirty?   I've felt like crying all day.  What's up with that?  Is that normal with this?  What in the hell is going on?

I am tired and I am nauseous and I do feel like crying.  But who knows.  Maybe it's because my body desperately needs cleaning.  Maybe it's all in my head.  I just don't know.