Friday Five: Ding!

Happy Friday, everybody!  Well ... today is a big day.  Stoney is going to his second family dinner.  I'm a little less nervous this time around.  Which isn't to say I'm not nervous ... just that I'm not physically sick over it this time.

I guess I feel a little more secure seeing as how he's already heard the poop story ... and he stayed.  Honestly, I can't remember any past conversation we've had around the table that was worse than that one.  The one about my great grandmother yelling at her husband "You West Virginia sons a bitching tramp get your ass over that hill and don't come back!" is a colorful story ... but if he tolerated hearing about my cousin's shit explosion ... really ... how bad can a story about hillbillies be?

They love him ... I've gotten three texts in the last 24 hours asking if he will be coming tonight.  It got to the point last night that I was half expecting to get a text that read, "Hey!  How's it going?  Stoney's coming right?  You haven't run him off yet, have you?  Have you?!"  

The Friday 5
1.  When is *ding* a most welcome sound? - Well, I can think of two right off the bat ... the ding that signals a waiting elevator is finally at my floor ... and the ding that means my microwave popcorn is finished!  Guess which one I hear more often?  DING!  That is correct ... microwave popcorn!  And ... with that ... I've inadvertently named a third happy ding.  Winning! 

2.  When is *ding* a most unwelcome sound? - The only bad ding I can think of ... is Breaking Bad. Hector "Tio" Salamanca ... and that damned bell on his wheelchair.  Nothing says "you're in deep shit" like a Mexican drug lord staring you down while ringing a bell at you.   

3.  If a *ding* could be heard only by you to warn you about something in social situations, what might that *ding* alert you to, and how many times do you think you’d have heard it this week? - I wish there was a ding that would alert me when I'm about to eat something bad for me.  Unfortunately that doesn't exist ... because if it did exist ... I'd be hearing that ding 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  At any given moment, I'm either thinking about ... or currently in the act of ... eating something fattening.  There's pretty much only one time I'm not thinking about food ... and if someone can invent a position that allows me to have a sandwich mid-coitus ... well, then I'll be living in the movie Bridesmaids and I'll have a car full of puppies and a giant cookie. Ugh!  See?!  I'm back to food again.  I have issues.

4.  A Ding Dong is a hockey-puck-shaped chocolate cake(like) dessert filled with cream and covered with chocolate. Its name is somewhat suggestive to some. What other food items have names that inspire you to think naughty thoughts?  - An easier question?  What doesn't inspire me to think naughty thoughts?  I told you I have issues.  Let's see ... I've been known to stand in a convenience store and giggle at beef jerky.   I also smile whenever I hear sticky buns.  Hee hee ... sticky buns.  I also remember laughing my ass off the first time I heard there was such a thing as head cheese.  Seriously, people ... I have the scene of humor of a 12 year old.

5.  What’s an item in your possession that recently received a ding, and whose fault was it? - I suppose it would be my car ... and I'm going to blame mother nature.  Last fall there was a wind storm and it knocked a piece of flashing off an eve on the backside of my house.  Where did that piece of aluminum fall?  On my car ... of course.  All the room in the world ... it could've fallen anywhere ... but of course it fell on my car.  It left a scratch on the hood ... and a nasty scratch along the top right next to the windshield.  My car is black ... so it's pretty obvious.  I wanted a black car for years ... and now that I have one, my advice to everyone out there ... do not buy a black vehicle unless you have a garage to store it in.

That's a wrap, everybody ... stay dry ... and have a great weekend!

She talks about closure
And that validation bit
I don't mean to be insensitive
But I really hate that shit

Offspring - She's Got Issues

Merci Beaucoup, Ma Chère ...

Last night was date night at Casa De Stoney.  He grilled out for us ... and you know how much I dig a man who grills.  Rawr!   We relaxed and hung out ... just listening to music.  We learned a little bit about one another.  He, for instance, learned I have a sentimental weakness for a certain Whitesnake song.  I, on the other hand, learned he's a little concerned about my lascivious reaction to Warrant's "Uncle Tom's Cabin."  I can understand that.  Most girls get turned on by Barry White or Marvin Gaye ... not a song that describes people hiding dead bodies.  What can I say?  I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a taco.  Mmmm ... tacos!

He also turned me on to something incredible tonight.  No, you pervs. Get your head out of the gutter.  I'm talking about a television show.   Stop what you're doing ... and go watch Inside Amy Schumer.   It's the funniest thing I've seen since ... hell, I don't even know the last time I laughed that hard.

The sketch about porn from a woman's POV had me laughing until I nearly had an asthma attack.  There was another sketch about Amy farting when she's scared.  Seriously ... Stoney was laughing so hard we had to pause it for a few minutes to let him catch his breath and get a drink of water.   The bad news is that although I linked to the former ... the latter doesn't have a separate clip.  The good news is that Comedy Central offers entire episodes online ... so here's a link to the whole episode that has both sketches in it!

It's fun finding something new ... and while I'd read an article on Gawker about Amy a week or so ago, I hadn't had a chance to check her out.   So thanks, Stoney ... for turning me onto a great new show ... and for cheering me up ... and for the delicious dinner ... and for the two CDs ... and for the kisses ... and for my new favorite song of the week.  It was a close call between the song below and Methods of Mayhem.  Not really ... I'm lying.  It wasn't that close.  This one wins by a landslide!

I pray your brakes go out runnin' down a hill
I pray a flower pot falls from a window sill
And knocks you in the head like I'd like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you're flyin' high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know wherever you are, honey, I pray for you

Jaron & The Long Road To Love - Pray For You

Bits and Pieces ...

It's hard not to get down.  It's hard to stay cheerful in the face of all this ... mess.  Getting up for work everyday has become a chore.  It isn't fun to go to an office that is nearly empty ... and those who are left are angry and sad and overworked.  We're all basically in a state of shock ... but I heard a little bit of news today that is even more shocking than usual ...

News is starting to spread through the agency about how completely dysfunctional this restructure really is.   Support staff members in New York and Florida have been reassigned to St. Louis.  I'm not sure why that seems so unthinkable to me ... whether I don't want to move 90 minutes away or they don't want to move five states away, it's still an unacceptable relocation.

Worse, my agency spent the last year hiring and moving people to the Colorado office ... only to discover they're now overstaffed.   People who have always worked in Colorado are being told they are required to relocate to Nebraska or California ... while their home office will still be open.  This isn't an apples to oranges situation ... this is apples to apples.  They relocated one person ... and, by doing so, displaced another person who is equally qualified doing the same job.  It would be laughable if there weren't so many lives in pieces ...

The circuit breaker has flipped.  I'm now in a zen state of ... whatever.  The work thing is now almost a buzz ... irritating background noise.  I'm more concerned about my lower back hurting ... I'm really hoping it isn't something kidney-related.   I don't have the time ... or money ... for another lithotripsy treatment right now.   Dear Universe ... I just paid off Springfield Clinic this month ... how about you let me enjoy the debt free status for awhile before I have to set up another payment schedule with them, kay?

And then up comes Zafo
I'm like, "Yo, Zafo. What's up?"
He's like, "Nothin'"
And I'm like, "That's cool."
Cause this is my
United States of Whatever!
And this is my
United States of Whatever!

The Sifl and Olly Show - United States of Whatever

Faith ... Trust ... and a Little Pixie Dust ...

Well ... I got my letter today.   My new reassignment location is in Olivette, Missouri ... St. Louis for all practical purposes ... and my report date is September 23rd.   I have until June 21st to let them know if I agree to the transfer.

For what it's worth, they did make an attempt to keep me.  They kept me in computers ... I would be the computer associate for the Heartland Region.  It was the only position I really wanted.  They told me months ago to expect a move away from computers to clerical work so ... this offer was a halfhearted attempt to on their part to woo me.  Ironically ... that attempt to make me happy was the only thing that depressed me today.

This would be a harder decision if I had family in St. Louis ... if I had something or someone I was moving to.  But as it is, I would be moving away from everything and everyone I care about.   The idea of having to find a new job in October is daunting ... but the idea of walking away is too hurtful to consider.

So ... I called ARS today and got my severance figures.  I have a rough idea of how things will happen. I don't have an exact time frame ... but it looks like I'll continue to work until late September when my office closes.  At that point severance kicks in ... and I start looking for something in private industry.  Or ... take a year off and walk the Earth.  You know, like Cain in "Kung Fu" ... walk from place to place, meet people ... get into adventures.

Kidding ... I don't know Kung Fu and, no matter how much I say motherfucker, I'm not Samuel L. Jackson.  I'll find a job.   I just keep telling myself ... we are where we're supposed to be.  I've always believed that ... so why stop now?  If I save ... if I work hard ... if I'm prepared ... everything will be alright ...

Everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
Everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
Rockabye

Shawn Mullins - Lullaby

A Post for Memorial Day ...

It's Memorial Day ... and I'm missing my Dad.  It's sad ... because honestly I don't know that I ever made a big deal about Memorial Day when he was alive.  I don't know that I ever said "Thank you for serving, Dad."  It's no excuse, really, but the military was such a thing in my house that ... it just ... was.  It was his job.  It didn't cross my mind to thank him for doing his job.  But if he were still alive, I would ...

In any case ... when Dad died back in 2005, Mom gave me all of his things.  She gave me piles of paperwork and awards and pictures ... medals and dog tags.  In all of his things, I found two letters that he wrote her while he was serving in Viet Nam.  The letter below is the oldest of the two.  I don't know what he's talking about in some places.  I wish more than anything I could call him up and ask him to tell me about it.  But since I can't, I'm sharing it here exactly as it was written. 

My Darling Wife,

Well, darling, I have been in the Philippines for two days now and my maintenance officer this afternoon came to me and told me that the commanding officer said he wanted me transferred to his squadron immediately. My maintenance officer said he didn't want to lose me, but the CO asked for me specifically.

I don't know if I told you or not but we've been assigned the support squadron in case Viet Nam breaks out and we were going to Korea for a large helo operation involving both nations. The squadron I'm going to will be blowing the mines around Haiphong Harbor and all the rivers in North Viet Nam. I have no idea at this time what they want me to do in the squadron. All I know is that they want me. I don't know if we will be directly involved or just supporting them.

Darling, I miss you very much and I love you with all my heart. I have been working many, many hours this week and the future looks even busier. This is tiring but it does make the days pass fast, which is great with me. The backs of my hands and my neck are sunburned pretty bad. It gets up in the high 90's during the day here in the islands. That's a rough temperature change from Springfield.

Darling, how have you been feeling since I left? I have been worrying about you and my Bear. I hope your health is good and your spirits high. Did you and Bear get the cards and money from me?

Please tell everyone I said hi. I don't have time to write to anyone at this time. Also, please write all your sizes and measurements since the sizes in different countries don't mean the same thing. I hope to be able to afford a present for you and the Bear once in awhile.

Well, darling, I'd better close for tonight and write a few lines to our daughter. I love you so very much and I will write soon.

Your Loving Husband
February 16, 1973

Just in case you thought I came from an elite family of circus performers ... no, my parents didn't own a bear.  From the moment I was born, my family has called me "Bear."  It isn't something I hear everyday anymore ... so it was touching to read it in his letters.   My aunts and uncles still call me that ... it's pretty common to hear it at family dinners.   But, for some reason, seeing it in his letters was really special.

I'm afraid that's all I've got for today, everybody.  Happy Memorial Day!

Gimme a ticket for an aeroplane
Ain't got time to take a fast train
Lonely days are gone, I'm a-goin' home
'Cause my baby just a-wrote me a letter

The Box Tops - The Letter

Everybody Wants Some ...

I don't usually write posts specifically about my guy ... but today ... I'm going to make an exception.

Stoney is a bit younger than me. Not a lot younger, mind you ... but some.   I have my toe right there on that line between "age is just a number" and "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me."  He's always been kind and never made a big deal out of it ... other than once or twice when we're talking about a movie or a television show and he'll smile this mischievous smile and say he couldn't stay up that late or some other smart ass remark.  But this weekend, I discovered a definitive gauge exists to determine that, in fact, we are from different age groups.

We were going to St. Louis to see Drive by Truckers.  And when we're traveling, he lets me do something special ... and he has no idea he's even doing it.

See, when I was married, my ex always chose the music we listened to ... and it was always the Beatles.  Occasionally when the mood would strike him we'd listen to a odd, eclectic mix of 70's songs ... but not only did I never get to choose the music ... I could never touch his iPod.

I try very, very hard never to pull that relationship into this one.  Stoney shouldn't have to pay for my ex's sins.  I try not to talk about that time or make choices or requests based on bad memories.  I slip now and then ... I talked a bit about that mess this weekend and I feel awful about it.  But I do try to pretend, for all practical purposes, that all that time never existed.

So ... back to the present ...

Without knowing how cool it makes him ... Stoney lets me play with his iPod.  He lets me pick songs ... plays along when I'll ask him to pick one ... and he tries to find fun songs I've never heard of.  It's one of the best parts of traveling with him.  It's an adventure ... seeing what songs he has and which songs he doesn't.  And here's where we circle back around ... to age.

I am firmly Van Halen ... he is ... wait for it ... Van Hagar.  How could ... just ... ugh!  When I saw his list of Van Halen songs and the big gaping hole where "Everybody Wants Some" and "Dance the Night Away" and "Pretty Woman" should've been ... I reacted with a suitable amount of shock and disdain.  I'll admit he made a very valid point ... by the time he was old enough to appreciate Van Halen, they already had Sammy Hagar in the lineup ... and David Lee Roth had become a joke.  I can't deny it ... if you hadn't lived through "Big Bad Bill" then "Ice Cream Man" would seem ridiculous.

So ... I can accept the fact that while I was drinking tequila ... not in a trailer by the sea, mind you ... that he was still in high school ... hell, actually it was more likely middle school.  And I'm also going to accept that he would rather hear "Why Can't This Be Love" than "Beautiful Girls" ... as blasphemous as that might be.  I've fallen for a Van Hagar listening Cardinals fan.  Sweet Jesus ... what has become of me?!

Everybody wants some!
I want some too! Whoa!
Everybody wants some! Hey, hey!
How 'bout you?

Van Halen - Everybody Wants Some

I'm Wide Awake ... Finally!

When I got sick back in 2011, I was very lucky.  The bleed was in a part of the brain that controls balance ... so my speech wasn't affected ... no paralysis ... no cognitive issues.  Once they stopped the bleeding, the dizziness and vertigo went away and slowly but surely I healed and got back to normal.

The only artifact left from that mess is an occasional dizzy spell.  They did an MRI last summer when I was having some bad headaches ... and said there is no new bleeding ... only scar tissue from the trauma.  Which was wonderful news ... except that the doctors say that scar tissue can cause headaches and dizziness.  So ... it looks like that might be permanent.  It's a downer ... but I'm so blessed that it wasn't worse than that.  I just can't complain.

I have medicine to help with those dizzy spells ... it's called Meclozine.  On a kind of funny unrelated note, for the longest time I couldn't remember Meclozine and could only remember Mescaline ... because yes, doctors frequently prescribe psychedelic cactus buttons to their patients.  But anyhow ... Meclozine for the dizzy spells.  I don't take it very often ... and here is why ...

So after Drive by Truckers ... on the way home ... I started feeling a little dizzy.  About an hour from home, I took a Meclozine and, as always, it helped.  The weird thing about the medicine?  You're fine until you fall asleep.  But once you're asleep ... that's it.  I mean ... that ... is ... it.  You will sleep ... for days.  You fall into a semi-coma and nothing seems as important as sleep.  It's like anesthetic in pill form.

So this morning I got up ... and I feel fine.  No dizziness ... no sleepiness.   But I've basically lost a day.  It's irritating as hell!   Worse?  I was going to get a roast and make Italian beef ... yes, yes I know Memorial Day is usually for grilling out.   It doesn't matter anyway because I forgot my crock pot at work.  Sigh ... that will have to wait for next week, I suppose.  

There's always a silver lining though ... and I'm going to find it.  I'm going to watch a DVD or put a ribeye on the grill ... or maybe brats ... I don't know but I'm going to have a good holiday!  Screw you, Meclozine!  And screw you, Dancing Vickie ... don't think I haven't forgotten about you!
Oh and if you die fearin' God
And painfully employed
You will not go to heaven,
You'll go to Champaign, Illinois

Old 97's - Champaign, Illinois

Hell YEAH I'm Happy ...

Wow ... just wow!   Last night my honey took me to see Drive by Truckers in St. Louis ... and it was awesome!  There's just nothing like an entire room full of people screaming, "Hell NO, I ain't happy!" to ... ironically enough ... make you happy!

It's funny ... because when Stoney first gave me a CD and I started listening to DBT, he told me that they're more rock than country ... and right off the bat when I heard Goddamn Lonely Love I fell for them.  But ... they sure as hell sounded country to me.  Well, now I know why he said that ... when you hear them in concert ... they aren't remotely country.  Country is in another town crying tears in its beer while Drive By Truckers is screaming Sink Hole.

I had such a good time.  We had incredible seats ... thanks to Stoney's friend Ben.   I guess my only complaint was that it was extremely cold in the club ... I mean uncomfortably cold.  Of course my top was sheer ... but dammit I'm blaming the venue.   Plus I was wearing sandals ... Stoney had on shorts ... I have no idea how he made it through the night.   He tells me he's just naturally warm and he must be ... because if I had on shorts I would've been lighting the table on fire to stave off hypothermia.

But he let me borrow his t-shirt ... which helped immensely ... and put his arm around me so I could steal some of his heat.  Plus it's hard to be cold when you're sitting there rocking out and singing along to the band.   Once upon a time I worked in a video store.  The owner had a sign by the locked thermostat that said ... "If you're too cold, you aren't moving enough."  As much as I hated that stingy bastard, come to find out he was right.

I guess it's because I'm still tired ... but I just can't say enough about how much fun I had.  Listening to all the songs on his iPod ... the delicious mac and cheese for dinner ... getting to meet his friends ... seeing the band ... the kiss goodnight.  All in all the whole night was a big ol' bucket of win.

On a more personal note ... not tonight ... but in time I may come to forgive Dancing Vickie.  I'll forgive her for being clever enough to bring a sweater. I thought we were sisters in our discomfort, you hootchie tequila-drinking traitor. But it'll be harder to forgive her for being more into the opening act and leaving during DBT.  No amount of awesome shoe wearing will remove that stain from you Vickie.  I am shunning you, Vickie ... naDevvo' yIghoS!

Well, it's not far down to paradise
At least it's not for me
And if the wind is right you can sail away
And find tranquility
Oh, the canvas can do miracles
Just you wait and see
Believe me

Christopher Cross - Sailing

Friday Five: Warming

I took today off work ... and it feels so much like Saturday I can't hardly stand it!  In fact I started out writing this thinking I was posting the Friday 5 on Saturday.  Seriously, my internal clock is all jacked up. 

I scheduled today off weeks ago.  I wanted to start the fun early ... wanted a four day weekend.  Plus tonight is the night ... the night I get to see Drive by Truckers with my man!  I don't know what is better ... spending the evening with my guy ... getting to take a road trip ... seeing a concert ... seeing the Drive by Truckers for the first time ... it's all so awesome!

I've decided not to log into my work e-mail today.  I was going to remote into the system and read my relocation letter ... but I've changed my mind.  I know it's there ... and I know what it says.  But I'm afraid it will really bring me down ... and I don't want that.  Not today.  Today is Friday ... and you know what the song says.  Today is a fun day. Today is an exciting, happy day. The letter will still be there tomorrow.
 

The Friday 5
1. As the weather in the northern hemisphere begins to warm, how do your days and nights change? - The sun comes up earlier ... and thanks to daylight savings time (You bastard politicians ... why can't you pick a time and stick to it?!) it stays light until eight thirty or nine.  That part is nice ... it's so much easier to run errands after work and stay busy if it isn't dark when you leave your office.  Summer is my least favorite season ... but the hours are enjoyable.

2. In what way do your dining habits change as the weather turns warm? - Well, my cooking changes ... doesn't it for everyone?  In the winter months I make chili and pot roast ... grilled cheese and tomato soup.  In the summer months, I make more sandwiches and lighter fare instead of baked casseroles.  I grill out and use my crock pot instead of heating up the kitchen.  Now that we're talking crock pots, I make great Italian beef ... so delicious!  Hmmm ... it is Memorial weekend ... maybe I'll pick up a roast today and make some on Sunday!

3. What’s the best thing unrelated to weather about the warm-weather months? - During the summer months, the sun is already coming up when my alarm goes off.  Getting up with the alarm is never easy.  But getting up when it's still pitch dark outside?  Torture.  Even though my brain recognizes the right time on the clock ... my body still thinks it's the the middle of the night.  I guess that's why the summer months are so odd for me ... I hate the hot weather ... but I absolutely love the sunshine.

4. What are some strategies for dealing with those especially unbearable warm nights? - I am an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a taco.  I am cold a lot ... and yet I hate being hot. Those summer nights when you're laying in bed feeling sweaty and uncomfortable?  Ugh ... those are the worst.  But that's why there's air conditioning ... and I don't mind using it.  The problem is that I live in a two story home ... and in order to keep the bedroom a suitable temperature for sleeping, the central air has to be turned to setting that makes hanging meat in the living room a viable option. So my strategy mainly involves cranking up the air ... getting a glass of lemonade ... and waiting patiently for fall.

5. What words of encouragement do you have for the you of six months from now? - Dear Future ThirtyWhat, it's late November ... put the turkey and sweet potatoes down and listen to me.   Remember that weekend back in May when you saw the Drive by Truckers?  Wasn't that awesome?  Go kiss Stoney and tell him thank you for giving you that mix CD way back when.   Oh ... and go get a job, you lazy bum!

House has stood through five tornadoes
Droughts and  floods and five tornadoes
 Rather wrastle an alligator
Than to face the Banker’s scorn
Cause he won’t even look me in the eye He just takes my land and apologize
Pen and paper and a friendly smile
He said the deed is done
The sound you hear is my Daddy spinning
The sound you hear is my Daddy spinning
The sound you hear is my Daddy spinning
Over what the Banker done

Drive By Truckers - Sink Hole

Stop Trying To Make Fetch Happen ...

Mean girls ... good lord. Do you not think we should be past this by now?

There's a woman in my building who was obviously a mean girl back in high school.  Despite the fact that she danced to disco at her prom, she strives to keep that persona alive to this day. 

I'm saying she's old ... old and mean.

The funny thing is that she's fighting a losing battle.  It's pretty much a battle of "cool kid" vs. "mean girl" ... because while I'm not thin or tall ... (oh how I wish I were taller ... well, and thinner too ... but I can do something about the weight ... the height is a lost cause) ... I do have a fuck you very much attitude and, believe me, it shows.  Her passive aggressive comments and backhanded compliments do annoy me ... but more in a "Are you still here?" kind of way.

She doesn't work in my area ... thank God ... but she's been this way for as long as I've known her.  I put up with her shit for quite awhile before we had our first come to Jesus moment.  It shut her up for awhile ... until today.

See ... I have this kidney thing, which most people know about.  It makes me cold a lot.  I can't help it ... it's just an internal thermostat thing.   I love air conditioning ... and I don't want it to be 100 degrees ... and I hate sweating.  But I just feel ... chilly ... a lot.   In any case ... around the office I usually wear a sweater or a hoodie of some type.  She made it a point every time she saw me of saying, "Why ThirtyWhat, it's 90 degrees out! Why do you have a sweater on?!" or "I just don't know how you do it ... always wearing sweaters when it's summer!"  I let it go for the longest time ... until finally I decided her choke chain needed a little tug. 

We were in the bathroom and she started her normal, "Wow! You know I just get hot looking at you!" bullshit ... so I turned it on.  Cue the sad Hulk music ...

"Well, Suzie ... you know ... it's hard ... having  this
degenerative ... kidney ... disease. 
I'm cold ... so cold ... all the time.  But ...
I hear that when I start dialysis they'll let
me wear sweaters there so ...
I guess I have that going for me."
Holy God ... it was awesome.  She stuttered and stammered ... oh I'm so sorry I didn't know no one told me I didn't realize I'm sorry.  And she practically ran out of the bathroom.  Cool kid one ... mean girl zero.

That's been several years ago ... and apparently ... the lesson has worn off.   Because today as I was walking in she said, "Oh, ThirtyWhat ... you've lost so much weight ... those pants just hang off you.  Are you doing something special to lose all that weight?"

You ... bitch.   Now you don't know me out there in cyberland ... but I haven't lost weight.  In fact, I've gained some recently.    My pants don't fit well because it hurts to have anything press against my stomach.  So yes ... I buy my jeans big ... because then I don't hurt.   Not that Miss See You Next Tuesday would know that.

So ... she and I are about to have another go round.   This time, since I'm not going to be here that much longer, I may really play it up.  Might as well make it worth my time ... see her squirt a few tears.  Oh, I'm going to make this happen.  The cool kid can become a mean girl.  I fight my baser instincts when it comes to this kind of thing ... but she has earned it.

Well you're the real tough cookie with the long history
Of breaking little hearts, like the one in me
Before I put another notch in my lipstick case
You better make sure you put me in my place

Pat Benatar - Hit Me With Your Best Shot

I'm Lucky In So Many Ways ...

I probably won't write much tonight ... seeing as how it's already 11:30 and far past my usual work night bedtime.  But ... two things ...

First ... why don't I talk to my boyfriend more?  It's not that I hide things from him ... no no, nothing like that at all.  But I tend not to talk about the whole work situation with him ... or with anyone else now that I think of it.   My best friend and the girls ... they all have a vague idea of what's going on but I haven't gone into details with them.   I don't know ... I guess I don't want to be a Debbie Downer?  When Stoney and I spend time together, I feel bad wasting that valuable time talking about depressing things like my office closing. 

But tonight we went out to dinner and he asked what was going on with the job thing.  I told him the brand new information we got today ... which was that I'll be getting my relocation letter on Friday.  And you know what? Talking with him helped so much.  He brought up a couple good questions I hadn't thought of ... we talked through the severance issue and insurance.  It was so nice hearing an objective voice ... because I've talked this thing to death with my Mom and my co-workers.

I don't have a magic key to the whole problem ... there won't be a deus ex machina come down from the clouds, save my job, and solve this conundrum.   But just talking about it took a lot of weight off my shoulders ... so ... thanks, hon.

Second ... tonight was date night.  I actually get two date nights this week what with tonight and the concert Friday night.  I'm telling ya ... I'm getting spoiled over here!  But tonight was dinner and a movie ... dinner was delicious and the movie was Star Trek - Into Darkness!   It was great ... lots of homages to the original.   I won't post any spoilers ... this isn't a review after all ... but I think I liked this better than the first.  

I felt bad because Stoney's leg was hurting ... and you could tell he wasn't feeling well.   It was a packed house and it was difficult to just get up and walk around ... so he was stuck with the pain until the movie was over.   Next time we need to sit where he can stretch his leg ... that way we can both be happy.  After all, if I get to curl up and lay my head against him, he should get to be comfortable too.

So ... all in all it was a good night.  I'm looking forward to tomorrow.  I have a neat little graphic project I'm working on.  I wanted to do something for awhile now but I couldn't come up with a creative idea.  So the graphic work is mine ... and the concept is Stoney's.  Our first collaboration!  We'll see what the finish project looks like tomorrow ... and maybe I'll even share.  In the meantime ... sweet dreams, all ...

I threw a wish in the well
Don't ask me, I'll never tell
I looked to you as it fell And now you're in my way
I'd trade my soul for a wish
Pennies and dimes for a kiss
I wasn't looking for this
But now you're in my way

Carley Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe

Run You Clever Boy ... and Remember ...

I finally watched the Doctor Who finale last night ... two days late.  But, hey, I was busy Saturday night having an amazing time ... such an amazing time that I'd watch it late a thousand times over.  In any case ... there is an amazing, heartbreaking scene between River Song and the Doctor.  It brought tears to my eyes.  If you haven't watched the finale yet, stop reading now ... because as River would say ... spoilers, sweetie ...

River Song has never been my favorite character.  I loved the idea of River ... I loved the actress playing River.   But ... it always felt as though we would eventually find out their relationship was one built out of necessity.   Watching them interact, it was obvious that River loved the Doctor ... but it never felt as though the Doctor loved her.

But last night, we saw that the Doctor always loved her.  It just hurt him far too much to show it.  We haven't seen the depth of their relationship yet ... I mean they're married for goodness sake, there has to be an epic love story in there somewhere.  And with the finale we still haven't seen their story ... but we saw their goodbye.

River: "It's hard to leave when you haven't said goodbye."
Doctor: "Then tell me, because I don't know... how do I say it?"
River: "There's only one way I'd accept. If you ever loved me,
say it like you're going to come back."
Doctor: "Well then ... see you around, Professor River Song."
River: "'Till the next time, Doctor."
Doctor: "Don't wait up."
River: "Oh, there's one more thing ..."
Doctor: "Isn't there always?"
River: "I was mentally linked with Clara, if she's really dead ...
then how can I still be here?"
Doctor: "Okay?  How?"
River: "Spoilers ... Goodbye ... Sweetie ... "
The tale of Clara as the impossible girl is interesting ... the Great Intelligence and the Whisper Men were good ... but it's the love of River and the Doctor that really moves me.

River: "How are you even doing that? I'm not really here ..."
Doctor: "You're always here to me, and I always listen,
and I can always see you"
So now we wait ... until November for the series to return ...

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

Tom Petty - The Waiting

Alas, Profanity! I Knew Him Well ...

Okay ... time to shift gears!  So, for lent I gave up Cherry Coke ... which was an enormous mistake, as we all know.  In retrospect, I probably should've given up profanity.   Stoney's mom asked to friend me on Facebook this morning  ... which was an intimidating ... but very happy ... discovery to awake to.  I very rarely curse on Facebook ... but it does slip out now and then.  Or at least it did ...

I haven't met his parents yet ... so now I have this weird panic thing going on ... what the hell is on my Facebook wall?!?!   It's not like I have links to PornHub or anything ... after all my Mom is on Facebook.  But I'm fairly sure last year there was a lot of  Magic Mike images going around ... and Thor graphics ... and holy crap someone posted a picture of Adam Levine naked on a motorcycle last month.  SHIT ... I've gotta take that down ASAP!

I curse ... a lot.  It's not that I can't not cuss.  I work all day at an office where it isn't acceptable to say, "Fuck yeah I wanna go to an after-action meeting!  Schedule that motherfucker!"  No ... I have the ability to be a perfectly upstanding citizen.   I taught an entire class of octogenarians how to use iPads last week and not once did I say, "Are you fucking kidding me?"  Although ... let's not fool ourselves ... I thought it about twice a minute on average.

It's true that only a handful of people who know me personally know about this blog.  I think the logs showed around 800 unique visits last month ... and I'd say only four or five visitors know me in the real world.  So my Bruce Wayne/Batman secret identity is still safe ... and technically I could still curse to high heaven on here with little to no repercussions.  Still, writing words like fuck in this blog every day ... while enjoyable as hell ... really only keeps the habit of using them going.  

So ... I'm going to try and cut back.  Wean myself down.   I'll never be Mother Teresa ... but maybe I could be a little less Kevin Smith?   A little more Annette Hargrove and a little less Kathryn Merteuil?  We'll see ... if, after twenty four hours, you find me in a heap on the floor cursing like the bastard child of a Tourette's patient and a merchant marine, you'll know our little experiment failed.  Wish me luck, friends ... wish me luck.

A little less conversation, a little more action please
All this aggravation ain't satisfactioning me
A little more bite and a little less bark
A little less fight and a little more spark
Close your mouth and open up your heart
And baby satisfy me
Satisfy me baby

Elvis Presley - A Little Less Conversation

Punch Drunk and Sleep Deprived ...

Okay so in the course of having a relationship, there is give and take.  They share things with you ... you share things with them.   It's part of the fun of getting to know another person.  Having said that ... I have no idea what I've shared with Stoney.  Um ... a love of cheesecake?  An appreciation for a fine glass of Cherry Coke?   Thinking about it, I really need to step up my game, huh? 

But I can tell you what he's shared with me ... Hollywood Babble On.  

Stop what you're doing ... and click on that link.  HBO is part of the whole Kevin Smith Smodcast empire ... and you know how much I love Kevin Smith.  Once you go to the website, you'll see they have a whole lot more ... Smodcast ... Jay and Silent Bob Get Old ... dozens.   But for the sake of this post, all we care about is HBO.  Go. There. Now.

Stoney mentioned I should check it out several times ... and I'm not sure what struck me at work one day that made me fire it up and take a listen ... but it was awesome.   It is laugh out loud funny.   Like you'll be driving in your car laughing and snorting ... looking like a fucking moron ... and you won't care.  Ralph Garman does dozens of voices and keeps Kevin on track ... which, if you ever hear Kevin speak, has to be a task of Herculean proportions.  

Now one word of caution .. it's dirty.  Oh so wonderfully dirty.  So if you're a youngster, don't go.  Then again, if you're a youngster, what the fuck are you doing reading my blog?!  Go do your homework!  Jesus ... kids these days.

So what brought this post on?  Last night we went down to St. Louis and saw Jay and Silent Bob's Groovy Cartoon Movie ... which was pretty funny ... and then afterwards we all sat in on the Jay and Silent Bob Get Old Podcast ... which was awesome.   Kevin said he loved St. Louis and is going to bring Ralph back to do Hollywood Babble On.  When they heard that, the crowd went nuts.   So I'm sharing.  I figure the more love he gets ... the more likely he is to come back.  Share the love, my friends ... share the love.

So that's all you get for today.  I could tell you it was an awesome night ... despite me leading Stoney from one end of Collinsville to the next because I couldn't decide what to eat.  He didn't even get mad at me ... unless he really was mad and just didn't tell me ... in which case, good job on the filtering!  I could tell you how he brought me a cherry coke with lots and lots of cherries ... does my man know me or what?  I would tell you all these things and more ... but I am exhausted.  I got like six hours of sleep and I am beyond starving.  I can't decide whether to eat something ... or go back to sleep.

So go ... listen to Hollywood Babble On ... then drop Kevin a line and tell him we're waiting on him in St. Louis!

So I'll wait for you... and I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return
Oh will I ever learn
Oh lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late

Jeff Buckley - Lover, You Should've Come Over

Friday 5: Mottos

Wow ... two posts in one day!  What are the chances?!   I've been dozing off and on all day ... trying to recover this insane work week so that I'll have plenty of energy for the weekend.  So ... blogging relaxes me ... and the Friday 5 is my favorite weekly meme ... so what could be more perfect!

The Friday 5
1. The motto of the Brownies is “Lend a hand.” If this were the personal motto of someone you know, who would it be?   Hmmm ... this week may be kinda hard since I try not to use anyone's real name.  But let's see what we can do.   The most helpful person I know is probably a woman I work with ... she goes so far out of her way to help others ... really it's inspiring.  She and her husband have coached their daughters' sports teams .... she runs her church's youth program ... I mean, she would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it.  I've been sick and she's texted me to ask if I've needed anything.  When I had surgery, she brought food over.  Seriously, I want to be like her.

2. The motto of the Olympic Games is “Citius, Altius, Fortius” (“Higher, Faster, Stronger”). If this were the personal motto of someone you know, who would it be?   The first thing I thought of when I saw this question ... is Daft Punk's Harder Better Faster Stronger.  I had no idea the Olympics even had a motto ... but now that I know, I think they need to give Daft Punk a call for the next opening games.  That would be awesome!

3. I don’t think it’s a motto, but Apple, Inc.’s tag line for some time has been “Think different.” Grammatical iffiness aside, if this were the personal motto of someone you know, who would it be? - Think different?  Hmmm ... who do I know who thinks different?  I don't know ... I don't know anyone comparable to Steve Jobs ... but then who does, right?  I guess the closest would be one of my old bosses who loved to tinker with things.  We'd go into the office on Monday and find out he'd gone in over the weekend and constructed an office projector with a built-in speaker using old spare parts, a garbage can, and a roll of chicken wire.  It was insane.  I mean ... bright and creative ... but insane.

4.Here are some food-related marketing slogans: “The incredible, edible egg.” “Beef: It’s what’s for dinner.” “Got milk?” What would be a cool marketing slogan for something you’ve eaten in the past twenty-four hours that doesn’t already have one?   I'm gonna go with tonight's dinner!  Okay ... are you ready for this?  Poultry growers, I'm giving this one to you for free ... Chicken Wings - Makes You Fat and Happy!  Because ... well ... they make me fat and happy.  Truth in advertising, I always say!

5. Here is a very long list of cool Latin phrases. Which will you adopt as your personal motto for the upcoming week?  Considering the stress of what's going on with my employer and job situation ... I'm gonna go with nil volentibus arduum ... nothing is impossible for the willing.  The next couple months is going to be rough ... but nothing is impossible for the willing.

Hope you all had a great week.  Mine was grueling ... but worth it because this weekend is gonna be amazeballs!

Work it harder, make it better,
do it faster, makes us stronger,
more than ever, never over,
Our work is never over.

Kanye West - Stronger

The Road Less Traveled ... Is Frequently The Wrong Road

Ha!  Sometimes things happen that just make you laugh ...

Last summer my lawn guy ... whom we'll refer to as John to protect the innocent ... asked me on a date.   John wanted to know if I wanted to go to see some country music act ... and I nicely said no.  I had to come up with an excuse ... so I told him that technically I was still married and wasn't going to start dating until after the divorce was final.  And I didn't ... despite the fact that around September or October I reeeeeeallly wanted to ...

In any case ... I digress.   Time goes on ... and I was a little wary about dealing with John this season.   I was afraid of the inevitable, "So, you must be divorced by now ..." conversation.  But guess what?  He's getting married!  Sometime in July?   I guess?  Who knows?  I could give less than two shits ... other than the fact that I don't have to deal with him!

The cute thing is that he told me this news in a sad "awwwww, you missed the boat" tone of voice that genuinely made me laugh.   Let me see if I can put this conversation in written form.  This isn't a perfect quote ... but it's close ...

"Now, before I come over, I should tell you ... I have some news."
"Really?  What's going on?"
"Well ... I'M getting married."
"Really?!  Good for you!"
"Yup ... in July ... she's my first girlfriend ... and I'm MARRYING her."
"That's great, John ... I wish you the best."
"Yup ... I am MARRYING her ..."
"So you said ... that's awesome!  So, you'll be over this afternoon?"
"I'd never had a girlfriend before, and now we're getting MARRIED."
"No shit ... spectacular news, John.  So about the yard ..."
Sweet baby Jesus ... right now I could be engaged to an alcoholic who sporadically mows yards for a living!  What was I thinking?!?!   I could've spent my evenings making trips to the liquor store to buy rot gut liquor ... and ... best of all?  During the summer when he was mowing, I might not have had to pay for it!  Son of a bitch!  Does anybody around here have a time machine?!

Seriously ... I do hope he's happy.  But more specifically ... I hope my yard gets cut at some point this weekend.  Seriously ... just sometime?

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

Garth Brooks - Unanswered Prayers

When is Thursday Really Friday?

Sorry for the lack of update yesterday ... I would've written something late last night when I got home but it would've been a chaotic, nonsensical combination of letters and numbers ... the occasional apostrophe mark and some Esperanto thrown in for good measure.  Gibberish basically ... which is what comes from working a thirteen hour day.  What follows below isn't a whole lot better ... but I really need to vent and let off some steam.  And, since I don't have time to schedule a massage or visit a shooting range ... this will have to do.

Tomorrow I'm going to conduct an experiment.  I'm going to spend 24 hours treating every other service provider the way I have been treated during this training school.   Here is the schedule for those who want to tag along and watch the fun ...

First thing in the morning, I'm going to stand outside my doctor's office and watch for his car to pull up.  Then, as he is walking in ... I'm going to quickly walk next to him and start listing off my aliments and aches and pains.  He will probably nicely tell me that he needs a minute to set his things down ... but I'm going to ignore him and talk over him.   And as we walk, I'm going to demand he fix me, coffee in hand, right there on the spot.

After that, I'll run by Starbucks.   I'm going to stand at the counter and when another customer orders something, I'm going to butt in and exclaim, "Hey!  That sounds good!  I want one of those!"  When the next person in line walks up and the associate is trying to help them, I'm going to butt back in and say, "Ooooooh ... I want one of those too!"  I'm planning to continue doing this for ... oh ... about sixty minutes.

When that's done, I'm going to go to the post office.  I'm going to walk up to the employee who has the most items in their hands ... I mean I'm looking for someone balancing box on top of box on top of box Dr. Seuss style.  Then, I'm going to aggressively approach them and attempt to hand them a bag of unimportant items.  I'm going to do this over ... and over ... and over ... until they either take the bag  ... or drop their own packages ... at which point I will declare victory and run away while laughing maniacally.

By then I'll have worked up an appetite.   I'm going to a restaurant where I"ll sit down, have a drink, and order a hamburger and fries.  Five minutes after placing my order, I'm going to wave the waitress over and say, "You didn't forget about me, right?  I'm still going to get my hamburger, correct?"   I'll wait another five or ten minutes and then stop her ... preferably while her arms are full of hot plates ... and ask, "Hey, not to bother you but I'm REALLY gonna wanna have a hamburger for lunch.  What?  We already ordered?  Oh, that's great!  It's just that ... I'm hungry ... and I'm gonna wanna eat a hamburger before I leave."  Then, when she brings it, I'm going to look shocked and say, "A hamburger?!  Why thank you!  I love hamburgers!"

Finally, before I head home, I'm going to run to the grocery store.  After checking the employees out, I'm going to walk up to whichever clerk looks the most exhausted ... someone who looks like she's run a marathon and aches from head to toe ... and I'm going to ask her to bring me something from the complete opposite side of the store.  I'm going to stand back by the milk and tell this poor dreg of humanity that I need an apple ... which is at the furthest point from where she is standing.  I'll tell her that I'm older than her ... and getting around is hard ... and it would be so much easier if she would go fetch me one single apple.

Now ... any one of these asshat moves might get me killed ... but just once I'd like to be the one making some sort of ridiculous demand  ... instead of being the person biting my lip so I won't yell, "Have you lost your fucking mind?!"   Sigh ... it has been a long week ...

Let the drinking begin ...

God damn my spinning head
Decisions that made my bed
Now I must lay in it
And deal with things I've left unsaid
I want to dive into you
Forget what we're going through
I get behind, make your move
Forget about the truth

Maroon 5 - Makes Me Wonder

Hell Would Be a Walk In The Park ...

Have you ever had that moment ... when you're trying to teach someone something ... and you honestly can't decide if they are that stupid ... or if they are just fucking with you?   Okay now imagine having that exact same moment ... for eight ... hours ... straight.

No!  No ... that's not even accurate.  Imagine trying to teach Si Robertson a computer lesson.  Only instead of, "That's the fact, Jack!" you have someone, who every time you spend fifteen minutes trying to get him to grasp something responds with, "Now I know what you know!"  Sigh ... eight ... hours ... of ... that.

I had eleven students who were ready and willing to learn ... some struggled and some already knew most of what we were learning ... but all eleven were really on the ball.  Then there was number twelve.   Number twelve was like a room full of toddlers, Alzheimer's patients, and monkeys all rolled into one human being. 

It's over ... at least my part is.  Everyone is back in class tomorrow ... and Thursday.  So, even though I'm not the trainer tomorrow, the opportunity for mind boggling questions still exist ... in fact, it's inevitable.   I just ... ugh ... no more.   I'm going to bed.  Tomorrow will be a marathon ... and I've been running all day ...

It's all the same, only the names will change
Everyday it seems we're wasting away
Another place where the faces are so cold
I'd drive all night just to get back home

 

Bon Jovi - Wanted Dead or Alive

So Glad We Went ...

Several months ago, my best friend asked if I wanted to go see Rock of Ages.  The touring company was coming to town and her husband was buying tickets ... and I said sure.  Looking back, I can't remember who asked my guy (who ... from this point and all points forward ... will be referred to as Stoney) if he wanted to go ... I assume it was my best friend since I was wary about asking him to go anywhere for the longest time.  Don't ask ... that's its own post ...

In any case ... the four of us made plans to go in the future ... and it was pretty much forgotten about.  Until last week when she reminded us that the show was tonight.  Ugh ... tonight?   A Monday night? The night before a training school.  The night before the hardest week in the work year.  Here's how the week typically goes ...

Tomorrow I'll train a class solo for the first (and presumably last) time ... even in the best of situations, training days suck donkey balls.  Wednesday I'll work a fourteen hour day ... including eight hours of my normal workday ... followed by another six hours preparing and running an awards banquet.  That day never ends before nine o'clock.  Thursday will be the last day of the school ... which sounds good, right?  But we all work twice as hard because the field staff has to fit all their requests in before they leave.  The word overwhelming is a understatement of epic proportions.  On Friday, those of us who manage to limp our sorry asses into work will slip into a coma and stare at a blank monitor for eight hours ... not moving an inch ... other than going to Xochimillco for margaritas at lunch ... because dammit we earned it.

Wow ... that was a tangent.  How did I get so far off track?  Where was I?  Rock of Ages ... right.  Not a fantastic night for this to go down.  I had work to worry about it ... and Stoney has been having bad back pain .... which is being treated by medication thus explaining the pet name Stoney ... and really should've just gone home and taken it easy.  But ... tickets had been paid for ... and our happy asses were going.

The show started ... and I'm gonna be completely honest ... for the first song or two, I was sitting there ... Stoney had his arm around me and I was thinking, "I would give anything to just go home and watch Mad Men with him ..."  But ... the show progressed ... and I'll be damned if it wasn't fun!  I mean a lot of fun!   Have you seen the movie?  Fuck the movie ... the movie is nothing like the stage show.  The songs are different.  The story line is completely different.  You won't see "Hey Man" ... apparently it was only in the movie because Tom Cruise demanded they add a monkey.  I know ... bizarre, right?  Anyhow ... the musical was just fun!

If you get a chance ... go.  Go see Rock of Ages live.  I would suggest you not go on a Monday night ... or when you have a stressful presentation the next day ... or when your back is killing you ... or even when you're wearing the world's most uncomfortable shoes.   But go!
 

And even as I wander,
I'm keeping you in sight.
You're a candle in the window,
On a cold, dark winter's night.
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

REO Speedwagon - I Can't Fight This Feeling

Happy Mother's Day

I started life ... as a blonde.  Just as blonde as blonde could be ... a gorgeous shade of bright yellow.  Sadly, you'd never know it now.   It was cyclical ... every summer I spent long days out in the sun and my hair would be dazzling.  Then in the winter, when I was indoors, my hair would fade to strawberry blonde.  Then summer would come and the sun would bleach me out again.  This went on until I was around ten.  That's about when I stopped wanting to spend hours in the sun ... and decided to spend all my time indoors listening to music and reading.  My hair darkened to strawberry blonde ... and it never lightened again.

So I'm a redhead ... I have been for years.  Why am I still a redhead?  Because I've always been too chicken to dye my hair.  I've longed to recreate those pictures of me with bright yellow tresses.  When my hair was down to my waist, I longed to dye it the blackest black and spend every spare moment going to Cure concerts.  But underneath it all, I'm fond of my red ... and I'm scared that if I dyed it a different shade, I'd never get it back to the original.

Mom ... on the other hand ... has always been adventurous.  I have pictures with her hair every color under the sun.   In one she's Marilyn Monroe blonde ... in another she's Ann Margaret red ... in one her hair is so black it looks like she invented goth.  I even have one of her at a party where I swear her hair looks peacock blue.  I've never asked her what prompted that fashion choice ... I'm not sure I want to know.

I've always envied that about her ... she is bold and fearless.  It's true ... she pisses people off because she has no filter and says whatever she thinks ... but she was so out there when she was young.  She claims that I'm so much like my Dad ... but sometimes when I'm telling someone a story ... about that trip to Mississippi or being at Woodstock II ... I think I'm more like her than she knows.  Which is actually a very good thing because she doesn't know half those stories ...

Anyhow ... she doesn't come here ... I hope ... but Happy Mother's Day to my Mom ... and all the other Mom's out there.   Your kids are more like you than you'll ever know ...

Yeah, I'm working, making money
I'm just starting to build a name.
I can feel it, around the corner
I could make it any day.
Mother mother can you hear me
Sure I'm sober, sure I'm sane.
Life is perfect, never better
Still your daughter, still the same.

Tracy Bonham - Mother Mother

Friday 5: A Bit of Knowledge

Okay ... so I'm doing the Friday 5 on Saturday ... because I'm nothing if not a rebel!  Ugh .. fine ... I'm not a rebel.  I spent Friday evening at my guy's house ... eating pizza and watching The Fast and the Furious ... a movie that actually wasn't too bad ... despite being made strictly for people who pee standing up.  Also, my guy bought Cherry Coke for me ... which earned him my eternal devotion.  Yes ... yes my love can be bought for a 12 pack of Cherry Coke.  Fuck you ... don't judge me!

The Friday 5
1.  What’s something you know about constellations? - Aw hell ... I should lie, right?  Google some amazing fact on a constellation and look smart and witty?  No ... the truth is ... constellations baffle me.  More truth?  I can't see them.  For years people have said things like, "Look up in the sky ... see that over there?  That's Cassiopeia!" and I'm like, "Oh yeah ... that's sooooo cool!"  But in reality, all I see are stars.  I can't see the patterns.  I've tried innumerous times.  For me, the sky is just a dazzling landscape of twinkling lights ... nothing but beauty and chaos.  I don't see the constellations ... but I do see a universe of wonder.

2.  What’s something you know about bugs? - What do I know about bugs?  Well, they serve a purpose ... the whole circle of life thing?  All God's creatures great and small ... and all that?  No matter how much revulsion I feel for spiders and bees and anything creepy or crawly, they exist for a reason.  Even mosquitoes ... they're food for other animals.  Everyone is someone else's brisket. 

3.  What’s something you know about a car’s engine? - One of my drinking buddies from way back in the day was a gear head.  He told me once that engines need two things to run ... fire and fuel.  If a car won't start there are two reasons ... it isn't getting fuel ... or it isn't getting fire.  If it's missing fuel then it's out of gas or the fuel pump is out.  If it's missing fire then the spark plugs are bad or something like that.  Now ... is any of that true?  Hell if I know!  I have no idea ... I was drunk.  Besides I go to a mechanic for these things.

4.  What’s something you know about wine or beer? - Wow ... you picked subjects about which I know next to nothing.  Wine ... wine gives me a headache.  Really dry wine can trigger a migraine.  And beer?  Beer just tastes so ... I don't know ... yeasty?  The very first beer I ever tasted was on a sand bar when I was seventeen.  It was a can of Budweiser and it was ... oh God ... is there a word that is stronger than repulsive?   The sad part is that I want to be one of the cool kids ... I want to like beer.  Occasionally I think there has to be some good tasting beer with all that artisanal micro-brew apple raspberry honey lager ale?  But then I remember how great Cherry Coke tastes and I think ... fuck it.

5.  What’s something you know about the Pacific Ocean? - I know it's on my bucket list.  I've played in the Atlantic Ocean ... I've played in the Gulf of Mexico ... but I've never even seen the Pacific.  I hear it's beautiful?  Someday ... it's on my to do list.  Along with finding a beer that tastes just like Cherry Coke!

I'm not aware of too many things,
But I know what I know if you know what I mean.
Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box.
Religion is the smile on a dog.
I'm not aware of too many things,
But I know what I know if you know what I mean.

Edie Brickell - What I Am

Next Week Will Only Be Worse ...

I can't tell you what's more frustrating ... being worked like a rented mule ... or being worked like a rented mule knowing that there's a pretty fair chance you'll be unemployed in 30-60 days. 

My back is killing me ... my shoulders ache  ... and I have touched the same piece of paper at least two dozen times now.  It is insane.   Every thirty minutes someone discovers more work that hasn't been done.  It's like being in Groundhog's Day ... without Bill Murray ... or the groundhog ... or joy.   I have no idea why Joel McHale isn't covering what goes on in my office every week.  I am living in the darkest timeline ...

I swear there's a hidden room somewhere around here ... and inside it sits a man with a handlebar mustache.  He is twirling the ends and laughing maniacally ... while he throws handfuls of gold doubloons in the air Scrooge McDuck style ... and cackles, "Oh, they'll work!  They'll work until I tell them they can't work!!!"

Yes ... yes, I do need a vacation ... why do you ask?

Everybody's working for the weekend
Everybody wants a new romance
Everybody's going off the deep end
Everybody needs a second chance, oh
You want a piece of my heart?
You better start from the start
You want to be in the show?
C'mon baby, let's go

Loverboy - Working For the Weekend

The Calls We Dread ...

I'm at a loss tonight.  My cousin called me with somber news ... he's been set up with home hospice.  He's having terrible pain because of the cancer in his liver. The tumors are causing his liver to produce extra bile ... which is causing vomiting and dehydration.  It's a vicious circle ... his meds help with the pain but cause bowel issues ... it's just not a good situation at all.  I'm not sure what hospice means for my cousin ... in terms of the big picture.  I only have one experience to draw from and that's my Dad.

In Dad's case, when they released him from Memorial with home hospice, they told us it would be a matter of days.  But ... my Dad was nothing if not a fighter ... and after about three weeks he asked the visiting nurse, "So, what are you guys going to do when I don't die like you're planning?"  The nurse, who was an amazing person, gave him a hopeful smile and said, "If we need to, we'll evaluate your case after six months."   Dad lasted twenty five days after coming home from the hospital ... a pretty valiant effort considering they didn't think he'd survive the ambulance ride home.

When my cousin called, we only talked for a bit ... the Demerol was kicking in so it was a short conversation.  The last thing he said before he hung up was, "I'm okay, kiddo ... we'll talk later."  He's desperately trying to be the guy he always was ... even though his voice is weak and hoarse.

When Dad had his heart attack, it was so massive and so horrible.  My mom, my brother, and I took shifts at his bedside ... but we spent most of that night sleeping in the cardiac ICU waiting room.  I remember sitting by Dad's bed and praying ... trying to make a deal with God.  The deal was that I wouldn't ask God to save him ... but if he couldn't save him ... if Dad had to die ... I wanted God to do it quickly ... and not let him suffer. 

I suppose that's why I was so angry when Dad died eight months later.  My brother is very religious and was going on about God at some point after the funeral ... and I got upset.  I told him I asked God not to let him suffer ... I made a deal with him that I wouldn't ask him to save Dad if he just didn't let him suffer.  My brother told me that God didn't make deals ... and I told him then God was a miserable prick.  In retrospect, that's probably something I should mention in confession next time I go.

In any case ... I won't be trying to make a deal with God this time.  He doesn't stick to his side of the bargain anyway.   But at this point all I can hope is that my cousin doesn't suffer ... or suffer any more than he already has.  It truly is a fucked up world ... we just gotta make the most of our time here.

Into the distance, a ribbon of black
Stretched to the point of no turning back
Flight of fancy on a windswept field
Standing alone, my senses reel
Fatal attraction that's holding me fast
How can I escape this irresistible grasp
Can't keep my eyes from the circling sky
Tongue-tied and twisted; just an earth-bound misfit, I

Pink Floyd - Learning To Fly

For Once I Didn't Do It ...

Holy Christ!  Am I that intimidating?  I mean ... when you meet me ... is the first thing you think ... I bet her man is fucking tired?  Puh-leeeezeeee ... look at me!  No one thinks that.  Trust me ... I don't remotely give off that vibe.  Except ... maybe I do?

My guy is on the injured list right now.  His back is hurting ... he's had x-rays and they're checking everything out.   Thanks to Facebook, five people have a) expressed concern and asked if he's alright ... and b) told me that I need to take it easy on him.  What the ... seriously?!

Let's see ... one person asked, "Sorry he's hurt ... but did he stick the dismount?" ... another asked, "What happened? Did you install the swing wrong?" ... and yet another chided me "ThirtyWhat ... you were supposed to be gentle with him!"   Jesus Christ, people ... you'd think he's the Christian and I'm the lion!

Okay ... here's the thing.  I did not break him.  I'm a nice girl.  Despite the post describing my love of his scent ... I am not physically assaulting him over it.  Send him a get well card ... send him flowers ... but I assure you there is no need to send an "evidence kit" as suggested by one of my girlfriends on the east-coast.

Sigh ... how did I become friends with so many smart asses???

Crack that whip
Give the past the slip
Step on a crack
Break your momma's back
When a problem comes along
You must whip it
Before the cream sits out too long
You must whip it
When something's going wrong
You must whip it

Devo - Whip It

It's Always A Party ...

How does a family produce two children who are so polar opposite that the only thing between them in a Venn diagram is their shared parent?

My brother and I are so different.  I think we genuinely want to like each other ... it's just that after a short amount of time, we run out of common ground ... and inevitably end up butting heads.  Tonight when we first sat down to dinner, we had a nice conversation.  He wanted to hear all about my "new man" ... and he was very engaged ... asking all sorts of questions.   How'd we meet ... where he works ... just small talk.  We moved onto Duck Dynasty and it looked like the evening might go pretty well.

But by the time we'd finished our hamburger, he'd royally pissed me off.  He had started asking about my job situation ... and that was fine ... until he started badgering me about taking the transfer to St. Louis.  After we bickered back and forth ... and let's be honest ... most of it was him bickering and me just sitting there quietly ... Mom stepped in and snapped, "Leave her alone! She doesn't want to move!"  It shut him up ... but the train of dysfunction just kept on a' rolling ...

We made it back to the house ... where he proceeded to grill me for 20 minutes about computer issues.  Should he use this program or that program?  This spreadsheet or that spreadsheet?  And how could he sync his calendars?   Ugh ... I do this for a living.  I do not want to work customer service all damned night too.  I tried answering a question or two ... then avoiding his questions ... then ignoring him all together ... but he just kept on going.

It came to a head when he was looking up directions on his iPad and asked where a particular town was .... and I answered, "Beats the hell out of me.  I've never been there."  He looked up from his tablet and said, "You know, nobody likes a smart butt."  I looked up and said, "That's weird ... up here, nobody likes adults who talk like kindergartners ... it's smart ass ... and on that note, I'm going home."

Mom followed me outside ... trying to make it all better like she normally does.  There's an entire blog post to come all about how we used to be close .. and we just aren't anymore.  Maybe that's just life.  You'll always love your family.  But maybe there just comes a point where you realize ... you just don't have a lot in common anymore.  And as Stuart Smalley would say ... that's ... okay.

Never know when the time is right to take the reins
Down the road they'll come to find out anyway
But it's too late you know
You just like pretendin' that they're everything they're not
I don't like it, I don't need it
I don't want it cause baby I'm thru believin'

Brother Cane - Got No Shame

Why oh WHY Couldn't It Have Been Gain?

I found out something last night that shook me to the very core. It made me question everything I believe in ... everything I hold dear.  No, I didn't find out Jesus was a Mormon ... I found out ... sigh ... I found out that my guy wears Axe.  Why does this matter?  Because I fucking hate those goddamned Axe commercials ... and yet ... sweet Jesus, I loooooove the way he smells.

Those commercials ... those stupid goddamned commercials.  Women throwing themselves at mannequins.  Women ... hundreds and hundreds of horny women ... running and swimming and leaping to get to a man spraying Axe on his chest.  Hell there's an Axe infomercial with Joy Hickey showing men how to clean their balls.  Ugh!  As a woman, those commercials annoy the living hell out of me.  For years I have hated those commercials.  Only to find out ... I'm a hypocrite.

I mean ... anyone could've told you my guy smells good. Oh man, so good.  For instance, we saw a movie last weekend and our seats weren't awesome.  At one point there's like fifty versions of Iron Man on the screen and it devolves into a confusing mess ... so I just kinda tuned out and laid my head against his shoulder.  Well, not his shoulder ... he's much taller than me so more accurately I laid my head against his arm.  Anyhow, everybody around me was trying to follow the story.  Meanwhile, I just said fuck it and sat there ... happily breathing ... trying not to look like I was smelling him.

I've meant to ask him for the longest time what kind of cologne he uses ... I just kept forgetting.  And I continued to forget until I was sitting in bed last night watching Duck Dynasty and a commercial came on for Gain.  The ad was basically sixty seconds of people trying to smell this guy's shirt ... and I thought ... "Ah hah!  There's my answer!  Gain!"  I grabbed my phone and casually texted him ... "So, what kind of detergent do you use?"  He answered and at that moment, the world shifted on it's axis.  Get it ... axis?  Ha!  I kill me. 

Anyhow, he uses Tide ... same as me.  I'm not all wibbly wobbly because of his detergent ... it's Axe.  Jesus Christ ... I never knew.  Axe ... it's like fucking catnip!  I am ashamed of myself!  I'm a feminist!  I am woman ... hear me roar!  I want to be respected!   However ... I also want to crawl in his lap and smell him for a couple hours.  This is humiliating ... and I'm pretty sure the makers of Axe have aerosolized crack.  Fuck at this moment, I don't even care if it is crack ... as long he keeps buying it ...

I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk
But I run back to you
That's why I hate myself for loving you

Joan Jett - I Hate Myself