Insanity Is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over ...

I have this terrible habit ... I buy the same products over and over ... despite the fact that I hate them.

Let's take Mio for example.  I don't know how many bottles of that toxic shit I've bought ... but I bought another today.  For some reason, every three or four months, I see them being sold somewhere and they'll have a new flavor and I'll think, "It couldn't have been as bad as I remembered!"

Well guess what ... it is as bad as I remember.  It's always as bad as I remember.  I've know I've tried Cherry/Watermelon and Lemonade and Pink Lemonade and Grape ... and today I saw Black Cherry and thought, "Damn ... I love black cherry!  I bet this one would taste really good if the water was super cold."

No ... no it doesn't.  It doesn't taste any better than any of the other ten flavors I've tried.

And it's not just Mio.  There are dozens of these odd products that I keep buying.  Every couple of years I buy a McRib because I think ... "Those are good right?  I can't remember ... I think they're really good!"  No they aren't!  They never are!   They are heinous.  And Diet Coke!  Every once in awhile I'll get hair up my ass about losing weight and I'll buy Diet Coke only to remember that it tastes like someone bottled a chemical spill.

What is wrong with me?  Do I think my taste buds are going to change?  Do I think companies are going to change their recipes?   I don't know ... but I wish I had the money back that I spent on all these tiny bottles of Mio I have sitting in my fridge. 

I could take that all that money and go to McDonald's ... because the McRib is back ... and I bet it would taste really good this time!

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

Billy Joel - You May Be Right

The Best Christmas Since Bing Crosby Tap Danced With Danny F'n Kaye!

Well ... two big milestones happened tonight.  First off, Stoney invited me over to help him decorate for Christmas.  We put up his tree and ate fast food and watched Christmas Vacation ... I had an awful lot of fun.  I didn't put a tree up last year ... and I probably won't be putting up one over here this year either ... so just him including me?  It was so great of him.  He'll really never know how awesome it was.

On top of that ... I actually  shopped on Black Friday.  I sort of backed into it ... but still ... I not only shopped on Black Friday, but I got a pretty good deal.  I ran up to Walgreens for something ... and picked up a pack of multi-colored Sharpies while I was there.  In the checkout line, the woman in front of me turned around and said, "Here ... I have a coupon and they aren't keeping them!  They're letting us reuse them!  Merry Christmas!"

I looked at the coupon ... and holy moly ... 50% off all purchases on Black Friday!  So even with a couple boxes of Christmas lights and a full set of Sharpies, I owed less than five dollars.  Merry Christmas, you old savings and loan!   When I was done, I passed the coupon to the man behind me ... who looked a little befuddled but said thank you.  Every little random act of kindness helps, I suppose.

So ... I came home ... found a couple things I've been searching for online and got them ordered.  I even found one thing I didn't even know existed ... but I know about it now and it's on its way!  I re-worked my Christmas card design and made it better.  I assembled one present that had been in pieces.  All in all ... it's been a good day!   Time to lay my head down ...

As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name into the sky
And I will wake up happy

Sophie B. Hawkins -
As I Lay Me Down To Sleep

It All Tasted So Good!

I'm so very blessed. 

I had a wonderful day.  I spent it with fun, lovable people.  The food was beyond delicious ... I can't think of a single dish we didn't have.  I got to meet Stoney's brother and sister in law ... and I got to see his Mom and Dad again.  They are so nice to me ... they make it easy to want to hang around with them.

Last year I was sick with some kind of bug.  I remember laying here in bed with the window open ... listening to my neighbors coming and going outside ... feeling lonely and possibly near death.  This year was the polar opposite ... it's as if the universe wanted to make amends for how terrible it all was before.

I know this post is short ... mainly because I ate some leftover dressing for dinner and I'm food drunk again ... but the bottom line is that I couldn't have asked for anything more.  It was a perfect Thanksgiving ... and I'm very, very grateful ...

I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life

Dido - Thank You

Scared? No ... Scared Is Back There About a Half-Mile ...

Stoney and I had our first official date in December of last year.  He didn't meet my mom until April or May ... and I didn't meet his parents until July.   I'm not sure if we were slow in that regards?  It didn't seem slow to me ... it seemed just right.

But in any case ... because of the way everything fell, tomorrow is the first holiday I'll spend with his family.  There are no words to describe how nervous I am.  In fact ... I have circled back around from nervous into this state of calm.  You know how when bunnies get scared they'll freeze and their eyes get big?  That's where I'm at ...

I've met his parents and they're super.  They were very friendly and nice to me ... and now that we've had the "You're how much older than him?" conversation, I can't think of anything too uncomfortable that could come up.  But his brother and sister-in-law are coming ... so there's that.  Plus there's the fact that this is my first holiday ... with his folks.   Holy crap do you know how much stress comes with that sentence?  I'll tell you how much ... about a half a box of Imodium.

The good news is that I have plenty of nervous energy to cook and to clean.  The yeast rolls are rising .... the sweet potatoes are cooking ... and my kitchen is clean.   Only 12 hours ... what's the over/under on me getting any sleep tonight?

People are talkin', talkin' 'bout people
I hear them whisper, you won't believe it
They think we're lovers kept under cover
I just ignore it but they keep sayin' we
Laugh just a little too loud
Stand just a little too close
We stare just a little too long
Maybe they're seein'
Somethin' we don't darlin'

Bonnie Raitt -
Something To Talk About

... AND My New Gingerbread House Stamps Are AWESOME ...

I ran a few errands today at lunch ... which, while a little stressful, was a lot better than sleeping in my car like a hobo ... as I did yesterday.

I needed to mail a CD of Christmas songs to a girl I used to work with ... and I wanted them to get to her in time for decorating the tree this weekend.  Then I remembered my Christmas cards ... and I figured while I was at the Post Office, I would pick up a pack of Christmas stamps as well.

Good plan, huh?

Driving down Wabash, I noticed there was a "pack n' go" type place on my right.  And given the choice between trying somewhere new and fighting the usual chaos at the Post Office?  I turned into the lot.  I took my package in ... and as the elderly man was ringing me up, I asked, "Do you sell Christmas stamps?"  He didn't look up ... he just nodded and said, "Yup."  I pulled out my wallet and said, "Along with the package, can you also add a pack of Christmas stamps to my total?"

He looked up at me ... with so much disdain it's hard to describe.  "I don't have any Christmas stamps."  I looked confused (obviously) and he snapped, "You asked if we sell them.  We do.  But since Thanksgiving isn't over, we don't have any to sell."

I guess I'm a glutton for punishment because I cocked my head to the side and innocently said, "So ... you're saying you're out?"

Jumping Jesus on a rubber tipped crutch.  He looked at me like I'd just said, "Would you mind if I fucked this goat here in your store?  The demon god, Baal, demands it."

He actually stopped what he was doing, took his glasses off, and regarded me in the same manner I regard dog shit that I find on the bottom of my shoe.   "WE celebrate Thanksgiving in this store.  We do not SELL Christmas stamps until AFTER we've celebrated Thanksgiving.  I will pick up our supply of Christmas stamps sometime next week."

Ohhhhhkay then.

I paid him for my package.  He'd already wrapped it up, weighed it, and put a sticker on it ... so I couldn't hardly grab it and run ... although I did consider it for a moment.  But I left his store, drove the two blocks down to the Post Office ... and bought my goddamned Christmas stamps.

Listen ... you believe in the whole "war against Christmas" thing.  I get it.  I respect it.  I love Thanksgiving and I want to preserve it as well.   But if I want to sit on my bed and address Christmas cards tonight or tomorrow or in the middle of June ... it is not your place to judge me.   All you've done is guarantee that I won't spend another dollar at your establishment.

So ... Happy Thanksgiving, pack n' go.  Now go fuck yourself.

Eat that turkey
All night long
Fifty million Elvis fans
Can't be wrong
Turkey lurkey doo and
Turkey lurkey dap
I eat that turkey
Then I take a nap

Adam Sandler - The Thanksgiving Song

Dreaming Is Free ...

Do you dream about work?

This weekend ... Friday and Saturday night ... I had dreams about work.   Very detailed dreams ... nothing weird or odd ... no floating or flying ... no teeth falling out or clothes disappearing.  I just sat at my desk ... looking at the queue ... doing work.

I'm not exaggerating.   I would look at a line and think, "Don't forget to delete the delivery charge on this one."  Or, "I need to make a note ... this client wants a hard copy of the invoice mailed to them."  I basically gave them two days of work for free ... because Saturday and Sunday I woke up just as tired and brain drained as if I'd actually gone into the office.

Plus today I had to get up early to put some treats in the oven for food day.  I just felt worn down today.  So much so that I went to my car at lunch ... drove it to the back of the lot and parked under a tree ... set the alarm on my phone .... turned the heater on to warm everything up ... and went to sleep.   I woke up after about twenty minutes sweating my figurative balls off because Toyota's heat up fast.   But I turned the heat down and dozed right back off.

Hopefully I'll get caught back up tonight ... and everything will reset back to normal.   I'm tired of going to sleep ... only to wind up back at work ...

When I met you in the restaurant
You could tell I was no debutante
You asked me what's my pleasure
A movie or a measure?
I'll have a cup of tea
And tell you of my dreaming
Dreaming is free

Blondie - Dreaming

Last Christmas ...

Note:  CollegeOne ... since I know you have strong
feelings about people who decorate early?
Maybe you should skip this post.
Just go straight to the next one ...
or hey, if you're really bored ...
go here.   Ummmm ... love you!! 
So ... for most of my life, I loved Christmas.  I mean ... there aren't enough words.  If you'd come into my house five years ago, you would've either been delighted or shocked at the amount of lights that were hung inside my house.  Lights on the banister ... lights around the archway between the dining room and living room ... lights on my china hutch ... lights on the tree (of course).   I used to joke that it look like my house was carpet-bombed with thousands of Italian twinkle lights.

I have about ten tubs of various decor.  One tub that is full of greenery and bows for the porch.  Another tub is full of lighted ceramic Santa houses or Christmas trees.  I used to have one tub that was overflowing with ornaments.  I have special Christmas china that Miniature Moose always arranged for me on the hutch.  I even have a ceramic cathedral that my mom painted that lights up.

But ... you know ... things happened.  And they happened, unfortunately, at Christmas.   So the holidays become a kind of ground zero ... a blast zone full of every bad thing.  I did the absolute least I could do last year ... I even walked away from my cart and left a store once when the Christmas music became unbearable.  The only tree I saw last year was Stoney's ... and I only gave out a handful of gifts ... which were wrapped on my bedroom floor ... and remained there until it was time to give them away.

I wouldn't say I was a Grinch?  I certainly didn't want to deny anyone else their eggnog or cheer.  But I ate at two separate Chinese buffets on Christmas day.  That is how un-invested I was in the season.

But this year ... I think I might be un-thawing a little.  I dug out my iPod Touch ... which I don't use anymore.  I wiped it clean and filled it with Christmas music.  Then I took out my dad's tree decoration this afternoon and hung it on the porch and lit it ... I put up a couple window stars and lit those as well.  I put a garland on the banister and brought up the white ceramic tree and plugged it in.   I haven't gone full-on elf or anything ... but I dipped my toe in the water and it wasn't too bad.

No no ... I'm not going to put up everything.   Even at my most cheerful, I always waited until after Thanksgiving to do the decorating.  But since we're having Thanksgiving at Stoney's, I have a little wiggle room to do things over here.  After putting up a bit here and and a bit there ... I actually started addressing Christmas cards.  It's been a nice evening!

So ... I'm getting better?  I still cringed the other day when I heard the Beach Boys singing "Little Saint Nick" at the mall.  But now that I'm thinking about it ... I may have always cringed at that song ...

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance
But you still catch my eye.
Tell me, baby,
Do you recognize me?
Well,
It's been a year,
It doesn't surprise me

Wham! - Last Christmas

It's About a Shared Experience!

One last thought before I call it a day ...

I'm sitting here putting together a CD for a friend of mine ... who asked if I had any Christmas suggestions for her new iPod.  Well ... according to the laptop, I have 220 Christmas mp3s to share with her.  So I think she'll be pleased. 

But looking through the list ... and listening to a few of them?  Maybe those dreams I talked about aren't the only issues I still have?  Because I'm not sure I'll be 100% into Christmas this year ... it's still makes me cringe listening to a lot of it.

Having said that ... I know one thing for sure ...

Stoney is full of crap.  Wrapping Paper is the best Christmas song ever written!!

So on with the boots, back out in the snow
To the only all-night grocery,
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
No lie it's that guy I've been chasing all year!

The Waitresses -
Christmas Wrapping

The Things We Don't Notice ...

You know how every once in awhile it takes someone pointing something out for you to actually get it?  I had an "aha moment" today.

Stoney and I spent today hanging out ... just a nice relaxing Saturday ... and at the end of our visit, I mentioned I had another one of my stressful, vivid dreams.  Let's back up ...

So last week I had a dream.  Stoney, his dad, his mom, and I were driving around on a Sunday.  We saw a farmer's market and Stoney and his dad wanted to go.  His mom didn't and I said, "That's alright, you boys go walk around and I'll stay in the car and visit with your mom!"  We waited and waited (and waited) and they never came back.  I told her, "No worries!  Let's drive to the Walmart down the street and we'll call for help." 

This part gets long and convoluted ... but we ended up inside this weird "alternate universe" Walmart ... it was like being in an episode of Lost.  It was deserted and we couldn't find an exit.  Finally an employee walked up to me and presented a letter from Stoney.  It said ... "I don't know why you left us.  If you don't want to be me with me anymore, that's fine.  But could you at least bring back my mom?"

I woke up pissed off.  "You didn't come back!  You're fine with not being with me?  Well, you're the one who left and didn't come back!  Oh, and I didn't take your mom!"  I walked around the house getting ready for work ... all out of sorts.  I knew it wasn't logical ... but it put a cloud over my whole morning.

Fast forward ... last night I had another dream.  Stoney I went to this amazing, posh resort.  It was on the beach and there were white sands and sapphire blue waters everywhere.  It was gorgeous.  We ended up playing some game and winning a lot of tokens.  We took them to the concierge desk and traded them in for room service.  We ordered a bunch of really amazing sounding food ... I remember ordering a piece of toffee-caramel cheesecake ... and the clerk told us to head back to our rooms and it would be waiting for us when we got there. 

As we walked away from the desk, Stoney said he had to run an errand ... at a resort?  I don't know ... it was a dream ... go figure.   But he told me to go ahead and he would meet me back at the room.  I realized a little while later that I didn't know our room number.  Or where it was.  And I didn't have a key.  So I went back to the concierge desk and asked for directions to our room.  They told me the room was in his name and they couldn't give me the information without his permission.  They called the room ... but he'd put the phone on "do not disturb."  They told me their hands were tied ... to just have a seat and wait for him to come find me.  So ... I was stuck at this resort ... almost in tears ... and no one would help me.

I jolted awake ... it was three a.m.  This time I wasn't pissed ... I was just panicked and stressed.

So fast forward back to today.  When I told Stoney about this second dream, he pulled me in for a big hug and a kiss and said, "Aw, my girlfriend has crazy abandonment issues."  My first reaction was, of  course, "I do not!!"   I argued for maybe twenty seconds, "I do not have abandonment issues ...." ... when it hit me ...

Wow ... well ... according to those dreams, it would seem I do.

It's weird how something it so obvious to other people ... but it's lost to us.  Maybe we're too close to the forest to see the trees?   I'm not crazy ... but after all that crap a couple years ago, I guess I do have issues.   I'm not freaking out if he doesn't text me (like some people we know) ... but apparently I've got worries in my head.  I guess I can be thankful it comes out in my dreams and not in every day life ...

Spare a little candle
Save some light for me
Figures up ahead
Moving in the trees
White skin in linen
Perfume on my wrist
And the full moon that hangs over
These dreams in the mist

Heart - These Dreams

Friday Five: Boring

Happy Anniversary!  Today marked the end of week four at my new job.  One month!  I'll write more about this happy occasion tomorrow.  Meanwhile ... pardon me.  I have a little sewing to do ...

The Friday 5 
1. What’s the most boring television show? - Probably Survivor.  Run down a beach ... grab a flag ... get a key ... swim to a raft ... solve a puzzle ... raise a flag ... start a fire ... eat a grub ... blah blah blah.  It never changes.  It's always the same.  I still semi-sort of watch it ... mainly because my mom and my favorite aunt watch it and this way we have something to talk about.  But at this point, watching Survivor is kind of like watching a soap opera ... you can take a few weeks off, come back, and you haven't missed a thing.

2. What’s a really boring movie? - Have you ever seen Legends of the Fall?  Brad Pitt ... naked.  That alone right there should make it a winner, right?  No ... it's a four hour marathon of tragedy. If it looks like something happy is about to happen? Hold up ... somebody is about to be shot.  If it looks like the hero will get the girl? Someone will have a stroke or be eaten by a bear. It's ridiculous. K loved it ... she thought it was the best thing since sliced bread. I thought it was a viable cure to insomnia.

3. Whose music is really boring? - I think classical music is pretty boring.  There are pieces that are  lovely and I do enjoy hearing those.  I have a couple hundred classical mp3s in my library but ... if we're being honest?  I skip over most of them.

4. What used to be interesting but is now boring? - American Horror Story ... as much as I hate to admit it.  The first season of this show was just amazing.  I still love it to this very day.  But ... every week I watch and every week I'm disappointed.  And I love me some witches so that's saying something.  I haven't watched this week's yet ... so I'm hoping they'll prove me wrong.

5. Who’s the most boring person you know? - I have an aunt who is the sweetest woman on Earth. She would move the heaven and stars to help anyone she loves.  And should you need help?  She is the one person you want on your side.  But having said that ... sweet bouncing baby Jesus ... that woman cannot tell a story.  She starts at point A ... skips B ... talks for an hour or so ... then remembers and goes back to fill you in on B ... then may or may not repeat herself and tell you the whole damned story over again.  She's so bad that my favorite aunt has gotten in the habit of refusing to pick the phone when she sees this woman on her caller ID ... which has made my boring aunt not just boring ... but also angry.  It makes for a great family night!

Fast car
Boring
Girlfriend
Boring
Got money
Boring
No-oh-oh-oh
Hot friends
Boring
Rock band
Boring
Not interested
No Tha-ank you

Pink - Boring

And The Moral of the Story Is?

Once upon a time, there lived a short but cheerful woman.  She was a woman of simple tastes.  It didn't take a lot to make her happy. 

This woman unexpectedly found herself in love with a man.   He was a man who, along with being handsome, smelled divine.  Every time she walked into his house, she smiled because everything smelled so good.  When she got in his car, her head would spin at how amazing he smelled. 

It might have been his detergent ... it might have been his aftershave ... it might have just been that he, himself, was born smelling like rainbows and sunshine.  But whatever the reason ... she found herself inventing reasons to hug him.

After awhile, she found herself in a perplexing situation.   On one hand, she was fortunate.  Since they didn't see each other every day, every time she did see him, the smell was a happy surprise.  On the other hand, she was a tiny bit forlorn.  Since she didn't see him every day, she had grown to miss that smell.

(Note: Yes ... our heroine has a
bit of a "thing" for scents.
You know how some women like a
guy's eyes or his butt or his hands?
Well, she likes smells.
Don't get all judge-y ...
just go with it ... )
And so ... after thinking on the problem ... she developed a plan.  She decided she would go to the store and buy some of his body spray.  After all ... a small spray here ... a small spray there ... who would know?  Right?

It took a little doing.  First she had to casually ask him what brand and scent he wore.  Then she had to go buy it ... and it wasn't exactly cheap.  But considering her plan was foolproof?   Whatever it cost was peanuts.

She went to the drug store ... put her money down ... and skipped to the car like a kid on Christmas.  Here was the moment!   Her car ... was going to smell ... like him.  

She sat in the driver's seat and pointed the can towards the back of the car.  One spray.  Hmmm ... nothing.  Two sprays.  Maybe ... no?  Three sprays?  There we go!   It was subtle ... but it was there.

Now ... had she stopped there ... like any normal, sane human being would do ... this story wouldn't even be a story.   It would be a secret that no one would ever hear about.  But no.  Because if three sprays is good ...

Who's to say whether it was four sprays ... or five ... or six ...

But in the end, she found herself driving back towards work ... her car windows down ... rain coming in ... trying to air everything out.  Her eyes were watering ... her head hurt ... but by God that car did smell like him ... if there were a dozen of him sitting in it.

She went back into her office thinking ... "I might have overdone that a little.  But that's alright ... the car will air out while I work this afternoon ... and no one will ever know."

Until she walked to her desk and her co-worker said ... "Hey!  You smell good ... you must've met your boyfriend for lunch!"

Sigh ... what did we learn, boys and girls?

If one is good ... two is not necessarily better.  Neither is four or five ... or six. 

Meanwhile ... I have to cut this blog post short so I can take a shower ... and start laundry ... for no particular reason.

I smell sex and candy here
Who's that lounging in my chair
Who's that casting devious stares
In my direction
Mama this surely is a dream

Marcy Playground - Sex and Candy

Fuck This Noise ...

\

So I got my ass chewed today ... twice.   Both by customer service reps in New York ... so ... at the moment I don't have a very good opinion of the Empire State.

I know I've made mistakes ... I'm just learning after all ... but these two incidents didn't even involve anything I'd done.  One was a problem with a state in the southeast ... a problem between the company and the state ... and the customer service rep decided to call me and rant and rave about the problem.  Trust me, if I could fix it ... I would.  That's just the kind of person I am ... I like fixing things.  But this was out of my hands.

Then later that morning, I got another phone call from another CSR in the same state yelling about a filing date that was wrong.  I don't input filing dates ... they do.  I'm not sure who put in the wrong information ... but I don't even have access to that system.

Oh ... and the cherry on the shit sundae that was my day ... I got a nasty, judge-y internal note from a woman who said something was due yesterday and it hadn't been done ... which made us look bad.

But ... that particular order wasn't on my queue.  I would've done it for her but since I didn't take it ... and it wasn't assigned to me ... I didn't see it on my work list or my queue or on my close of business expected dates ... which, by the way, is designed specifically to eliminate the possibility of things falling through the cracks.  Whose initials were on it?  Hers.  She had assigned to herself.

So by the time I went to lunch, I was in a bad mood ... I was irritated and depressed.  Getting away for awhile helped.   But I still cringed every time the phone rang this afternoon ... sure it was someone else calling to ream me out.

My team leader talked to me for about 30 minutes before we left.  She says it's just part of the learning process ... that the CSRs take advantage of new employees because they know they can get away with it.   She said I'm doing a fantastic job ... and that after awhile I'll grow a thicker skin and get used to listening to them rant.  No matter how nicely she said it, "you'll get used to it" didn't really make me feel any better about the situation.

I miss my old job.  I had no interaction with the public ... and almost no drama.  And for the first time I'm dreading going to work tomorrow ... because heaven knows what will be waiting for me when I get there.

(Heaven knows)
What kind of fool am I
(Heaven knows)
Why you take an eye for an eye
(Heaven knows)
What comes over me
You were pumping iron as I was pumping irony

Robert Plant - Heaven Knows

Maybe People Just Change?

So ... enough of the snark.  Enough of the jokes.  Tonight I'm doing some serious contemplating ...

As I've vented here many (many) times ... J has been a complete asshole since K died. 

Sure there's the dating thing ... but, in that regard, he's not really doing anything different than a million other lonely, widowed men ... including Paul McCartney.  Being lonely and horny could be, by itself, a forgivable sin.

There's also the midlife crisis issue ... buying a new house and a new car ... and walking away from everything he had with K.  Turning his back on it so much that he jokingly offered me money to burn down his old house with all of K's stuff still in it.  As if that wasn't an insult to boggle the mind.

But even those material things are forgivable.  It's his money ... and even though he made it all from the death of my best friend ...I'm not resentful of something that had nothing to do with me.  Technically, if you wanted to be crass, you could say he earned it taking care of her those last five years.  So if he wants to blow an outrageous amount of money on a vehicle that looks like it was manufactured by Matchbox?  Who am I to judge?.

No ... all of those things are forgivable.  What isn't forgivable is the complete lack of empathy he's had for anyone since that night at the hospital.  I remember what he used to be like.  I remember him calling me at two in the morning ... to tell me that the doctor just called him and we needed to go to the hospital immediately. 

He could've called me afterward.  He could've had that last private moment with her ... and I wouldn't have thought less of him.  But instead we sat together while the doctor told us how that K had passed shortly before we got there.   He took us to her room.  We talked to her ... we cried ... we took turns holding her hand.

That was a moment made out of friendship and love.  That was the person he used to be.

Something turned in J after that.  I saw it at the funeral, if I'm being honest.  He was distant ... he was cold.  I thought it was grief.  I remember him snapping at his mother.  She's elderly and is confined to a wheelchair.  She has moments that are clear and moments where dementia clouds her mind.  The day of her visitation, J's sister rolled their mom up to say hello and she simply asked him, "How are you doing?" and he snapped, "I lost my wife.  How do you think I'm doing?"  It was so hateful and unkind.

And here's the thing ... yes, it was a stupid thing to say.  But I'd said that same stupid thing to him at the hospital 48 hours earlier.  You don't mean to say "How are you doing?" at these moments ... but it just comes out.  On top of the natural urge to ask that question ... his mother isn't well.  His sister hesitated awkwardly and said, "Mom, you probably shouldn't ask that right now."

Well ... let's fast forward nearly five months.  Whatever turned in him that made him distant and cold ... has never turned back.   He is so self-centered.  It's almost unbelievable.  He hasn't asked about my new job ... he hasn't asked about Stoney's parents who were involved in the storm devastation up north this weekend ... and, worst of all, he hasn't asked after one of his best friends whose cancer has returned.

So now ... I'm thinking deep thoughts.  Should someone talk to him?  Should someone sit down and have the hard conversation that has to happen?   Someone is going to have to tell him, "Listen, you had something terrible happen.  You were far too young to lose a wife.  But you have got to snap out of whatever is going on in your head ... stop being selfish ... and start caring about the people around you."

And more depressingly ... is it worth it?  He's not going to listen.  In five months, he's become a textbook narcissist ... so will one person ... or five ... or ten ... or a hundred ... going to get him to listen?  I can almost guarantee that whoever approaches him with this is going to immediately be told to go to hell.  When one couple didn't really approve of him dating two weeks after the funeral, the guy was honest and came to J and told him their concerns ... then told him that no matter what, they would support him.  His response?  "Like I fucking need their approval."

He's so detached from the reality of the situation.  He interpreted my hugging his new girlfriend last week as a sign of me accepting her.  Sigh ...

How can I accept her ... when at this point, I'm not sure if I can accept him ...

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste
was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

David Bowie - Changes

Saturday Six #501

This time of year ... it's always this time of year.  The weather changes.  It's rainy and cold.  It's dark when I get up.  It's dark when I get home from work.  We start wearing coats ... we dig out the gloves and the scarves ... and I, without fail, get sick.

I try to fight it.  I take multi-vitamins ... okay, they're gummy vitamins but fuck you, they're still vitamins.  I take extra Vitamin C ... hey, I like gummies, alright?!  I even take extra Vitamin D because my blood work shows I'm dangerously low without it.  But it doesn't matter ... it always happens.

Let's take last year.  It was right around this time.  I wanted to see a movie that was coming out.  K and J happily agreed to go with me.  It turned out to be a horrible movie ... but they were very supportive of my whims. 

They invited Stoney to come with us.  He wasn't Stoney at the time ... he was just "the cute guy J works with."  He came along ... and most of what I remember from that night (other than the abysmal movie) ... was the ride back to our cars.  J was driving ... K was adjusting the music ... and I sat in the back with Stoney.  I felt horrible and he let me lean my head on his shoulder.  Okay, well more accurately his arm since I am a yard gnome.

It was bad. I ended up missing Thanksgiving last year.  And so ... since history repeats itself ... it doesn't surprise me that it's mid-November and I have a 100.2 temperature.  It doesn't surprise me that my throat hurts and that I feel worn down and achy.   I'm drinking orange juice and resting.  This has to pass ... I have 41 more days until I have health insurance. 

Maybe K was right all those years ago ... maybe I do need to live in a bubble!

Saturday Six

1. What about your current career would you most regret not doing if you changed careers tomorrow? - I've just changed careers ... so I'm not sure I know enough to regret anything at this point. What do I regret about changing my old job?  I desperately miss reading Gawker and Jezebel at work every day.  I literally have no idea what's happening in the world right now. 

2. When it comes to your weight and your mental picture of yourself, do you think it’s easier to see yourself heavier than you actually are or lighter than you actually are? - It's weird.  I think I have a pretty clear picture of how heavy I am.  However, my mom is always giving me grief because she says I buy clothes that are too big.  She swears I don't see myself clearly because I don't buy the right size.  I just don't like things tight on me ... so I buy big enough to make sure that doesn't happen.  It seems like a reasonable plan.

3. If you had no idea how old you actually were and someone asked your age, would your answer more likely be older or younger than your true age? - I answered a similar question to this last week.  I usually feel in my mid to late 30's ... not today ... but usually.

4. What aspect of your personality would most influence your answer to question #3? - I guess my sense of humor.  I like to laugh a lot.  I also like a lot of geeky things ... so it's easy to relate to younger people when you like to talk about gaming and the like ...

5. If you had to pick one or the other (no “equal mix of both”), do you tend to be more of a visionary or more practical in how you address problems? - I'm probably more practical.  I'm a fixer.  I like to fix problems ... and the quickest route from A to B is usually the easiest, best way.  If I have to think out of the box, I can.  But seriously ... why re-invent the wheel if you don't have to?

6. Do you feel that you are better or worse at solving problems than a person who’d answer question #5 the opposite way you did? - I'm probably worse.  I admire people who can look at a problem and say, "How come we've never ..."  Those are the people who invent new processes and new ways of doing things.  I admire people who use a scalpel ... because I tend to use a hammer.

Look around.
Leaves are brown.
And the sky
Is a hazy shade of winter

Bangles -
Hazy Shade of Winter

Friday Five: Signs

Today marked the end of week three.  And I am ... exhausted.  I'm not sure why.  We stayed out kinda late (late for us) on Monday and Wednesday nights ... but for whatever reason I've felt like I've been  dragging ass all day.   I'm running a little fever tonight ... so maybe it's a bug?  I don't know ... I bought some orange juice after work and I'm hoping I can sleep whatever this is off tonight ...

The Friday 5 
1.  Who is the most unyielding person you know? - My mom.  She gets into a pattern and it's hard to get her to bend.  If I start calling her after work, I'd better call her every night after I get off work or she panics.  If I tell her I'm going to come over?  By God I'd better come over or else she'll make life miserable for me and everyone in a 20 mile radius.  She was always like that to a point ... but it's gotten worse over the years.

2.  Where did you last experience an unexpected soft shoulder? - I know what a soft shoulder is in driving parlance ... a graveled area on the side of the road where you can safely pull off.  But other than that?  I'm not sure what that means slang-wise.  A soft shoulder to cry on?  To lean on?  I genuinely try to keep it together ... but I the last time I just utterly fell apart, Stoney was there.  He let me cry on him ... thank goodness I had waterproof mascara on so I didn't stain his shirt.  But ... if there's a meaning to soft shoulder other than that?  Someone's gonna have to clue me in ...

3.  What’s something you wish would just stop? - I wish I could stop drinking so much soda.  I stopped by the grocery store tonight and bought a case of bottled water and a couple different types of those little pouches of lemonade crystals.  I have to make myself try something different.  Sure, the calories are a huge problem ... but primarily it's hard on my kidneys to be drinking this much soda.

4.  What’s a recent decision you wish you could make a U-turn on? - I really don't know.  Right now I'm pretty happy.  Tired ... but happy.  If anything, I wish I would've planned this weekend a little differently.  But you live and you learn ... and now I know better  Can we fix it?  Yes we can!

5.  What mundane task do you think most people do the wrong way? - Toilet paper.  Yes there is a right way.  It goes over ... never under.

Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs
Fuckin' up the scenery, breakin' my mind
Do this, don't do that
Can't you read the sign

Tesla - Signs

Too Tired To Write This Much ...

Last night the moment we've all been waiting for finally happened. We met J's new squeeze.

I'm kind of at a loss as how to write about this.  I guess I'm hesitating because it wasn't clearly black or white.  The entire experience was gray.  I didn't walk away with, "Awww, they're obviously in love!" nor did I walk away with, "Wow, she is NOT into him."  It's more like I walked away scratching my head thinking ... "Um ... ooooookay?"

I guess my first impression is that if you walked up to the table and looked at the scattering of people sitting there, you wouldn't have guessed those two were "together."  They didn't look like a couple.  No ... no, I don't expect anyone to be making sweet love next to the steam table.  But people, especially when they're first dating, tend to "lean in."

When I sit next to Stoney, I have a habit of putting my hand on his leg ... or he puts his arm on the back of my chair.  There's usually some kind of outward sign that two people are together.  When we went out on a double date with another couple this weekend, she casually rubbed his back with her hand while we sat visiting after dinner.  That couple has four children together ... but they STILL lean in.  J and T-Gear?  Nobody was leaning in.

Sure ... it's possible that she's very private and doesn't like public displays of affection.  I hugged her hello ... and she made sure to leave at the end of the evening without hugging me or anyone else.  So it's very possible that what I'm reading as a distance between them is just her not wanting anyone in her personal space.

But aside from that ... I'm jut getting a warm fuzzy feeling about the whole thing.  She was friendly but not ... too friendly?  A couple times she looked at us when we were all joking around and I got clearly got a, "You people are fucking idiots" vibe.

Along with that, it bothers me that he's just not himself around her.  Okay, truth is he's not himself at all around anyone lately. But last night it was damned near ridiculous.  She talked more than he did ... which is basically saying he didn't speak.  First Wife and Pinky were talking with her about scrapbooking ... which I have done with them but it really isn't my thing ... and T-Gear was genuinely engaging them on the whole subject.  J, on the other hand, rolled his eyes at the whole thing. 

On a completely unrelated note, driving to the restaurant, I had a small worry in the back of my head.  I worried that I would meet her and be so overwhelming sad about my best friend. I gave myself a pep talk on the way ... I was NOT going to cry. I was NOT going to be sad. I was NOT going to break down.

Well, I was worried for nothing. For the last twenty years, I thought of J and K as one. She was my best friend ... but he was always there. She loved him and I naturally included him where she was concerned.  But now?  That emotional link is gone. I don't seem him and think, "Why isn't he with her?" Now there's just this hole ... and he is an irritation that is completely separate from that loss and grief.

So back to Girlfriend v.3.0 ...

On paper, I should like this girl. She like geeky things ... I guess. She talks openly enough ... she laughed with us about a few things. She feels ... guarded.  But I guess she would since she doesn't know us. I wonder if he told her, "You'll be meeting ThirtyWhat ... she was my dead wife's best friend?" I don't know ... the whole thing was ... uncomfortable. Usually our group of friends can go the entire night and the talk is constant and non-stop ... but last night there were these long, awkward pauses.

I mean, you'd have to know us to appreciate this ... but when this same group of people went to MCL after the visitation, we stayed after they closed. The staff actually let us sit there after they closed so we could keep talking.  But last night it was like we were ALL just looking for a polite opportunity to call it a night.

Will we do it again? Well, obviously we'll have to if they stay together. Will they stay together? I don't know. J's got a hard (hard) road ahead of him that he refuses to see. He imagines that if she just would just love him, that everything would be perfect ... and he refuses to listen to the rest of us who are telling him to take it slow.

But honestly?  If last night was any indication of the "fun factor" with those two?  I can't say I'll be in a hurry to re-live it ...

You can go your own way!
Go your own way
You can call it another lonely day
Another Lonely day
You can go your own way!
Go your own way

Fleetwood Mac -
Go Your Own Way

Already???

After work tonight, I stopped by the mall to pick up a birthday present for J.   Okay fine ... another present for J.  We already have one ... but when I found out his new squeeze will be attending dinner tomorrow night, I decided Stoney and I needed to step up our game and get him something else.  Yes, yes ... I'm shallow.  But you only have one chance at a first impression and I didn't want her first impression of us to be, "Those cheap bastards!"

In any case, the point is that I went to the mall.  Today is November 12th.  There are still sixteen days until Thanksgiving.  Why does this matter?  Because when I walked up to the doors, I was greeted by the Beach Boys singing, "Little Saint Nick."  I thought ... this has got to be a mistake, right?  Wrong.

The entire mall is entirely decked ... all the gigantic Christmas balls ... the twinkling lights ... the glitter ... it's all there.   Every song that's piped in is a Christmas song.   And the cherry on top?  Santa is already sitting on his throne.   It's November 12th!!

I don't want to be a Grinch over here ... but common.  Really??  If we're starting this now, isn't everyone going to be burned out long before Christmas is really here?

I think it bothers me because last year I did my best to ignore that there was a holiday season.  I enjoyed Stoney's Christmas tree immensely ... but I didn't put one up here.  I barely bought Christmas presents.  I remember walking through the store physically cringing when I heard Christmas music.  This year I want it to be different ... I want to enjoy the season.  Last night's snow was a good first step ... I guess we'll see where the holiday spirit takes us ...

Well way up north where the air gets cold
There's a tale about Christmas
That you've all been told
And a real famous cat all dressed up in red
All he spends all year workin' out on his sled

Beach Boys - Little Saint Nick

Birthday Snow!

Note:  This post is shorter than I'd like ... but I'm so beat.  So bear with me ... while I brag for just a minute ...

I don't think I could've planned a better day if I tried.  Well, that's not true ... because I would've planned to stay in bed most of the day.  But, aside from having to work ... my birthday was beautiful.

First off in the, "today is a miracle" category ... I got off 30 minutes early.   Stoney and I were planning on seeing the new Thor movie tonight ... but we knew it was going to take expert timing for us to make it happen.  Well, thanks to poor planning on other people's parts, today and tomorrow, I get to get off at five o'clock.

So I got to his house early ... where he had a bag full of presents for me.  I got a card that was beautiful and touching ... I'm looking at it right now because it's on my dresser right next to the Valentine's card he got me.  I try to deny it, but I'm a romantic at heart ... and reading it made me all marshmallowy and soft.

He got me a Tardis phone cover (squeeeeeeeeeeeee!) and many, many boxes of pocky!!  Plus he gave me the warmest and the softest Doctor Who throw ever ... plus a Big Bang Theory "soft kitty" snuggie!   I'm a geek girl ... who is cold all the time.  Does my man know me or what?   I'm keeping the throw at his house to use when we're watching TV and I brought soft kitty home.  This way, all my bases are covered!

We went on our date ... he took me to see Thor ... and when we left the theater, it was snowing.  Not just a little snow, mind you ... but lots of snow!  Snow kisses are amazing ... first snow kisses are magical!

So thank you to everyone who called or e-mailed or FB'ed me ... and thank you Stoney for making me feel so warm and loved.   It was worth getting another year older to spend my birthday with you!

But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way
To see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star –
One without a permanent scar?
And did you miss me
While you were looking for yourself out there?

Train - Drops of Jupiter

Saturday Six #500

Last year I read all these self-help articles about getting divorced.  How basically everyone needs some kind of therapy afterwards because everyone comes out of a divorce fucked up.  And if you think you aren't fucked up?  Well, congratulations because you're probably more fucked up than most.

I read those articles while rolling my eyes so hard I developed ocular strain.  I was fine.  Better than fine.  The clock was reset ... I was 26 again and life was good.   But I guess, in the end, I really am more fucked up than most.

Once I made it through the hell-on-Earth that was grade school, I wasn't a sensitive person.  I had a pretty thick skin and it took a lot to hurt my feelings or get to me.  I don't know if it's everything that went on last year ... or the new job ... or maybe just getting older.   I'm a little different now.  Not a lot ... I'm not sitting around like J ... weeping because I didn't get a text message.  But I did ruin an otherwise perfect evening ... and that feels pretty shitty.

So ... we'll start week three of the new job ... and a whole 'nother year of life ... with the resolution to be a little less sensitive ... a lot less forward ... a little more together. 

Saturday Six

1. Think of the thing you fear the most that has stopped you from doing something you’ve wanted to do. Without revealing the fear or the action it is stopping, how long have you allowed that fear to get in your way? - Too long ...

2. Of the people who’ve had the greatest impact on your life, which one would you most like to have the greatest impact on? - The girls.  Because of them I got to know what it was like to have a family ... to love someone unconditionally.  They made me a better person.  I'd hope growing up I left something positive with them.  Something that didn't involve mailbox baseball or Diablo ...

3. If you didn’t know how old you truly were and someone asked your age, based on how you feel about yourself and society itself, how old would you think you were? - It depends on the day.  Some days I feel really old ... other days I feel pretty young.  The number that pops in my head usually is 35.   I don't feel like I'm in my 20's.  The girls are in their twenties and I see the energy they have ... yeah, I'm not there.  Thirty?  Thirty is too close to 29.  Forty has this ... sound to it.  Forty sounds old.   God, I'm old ...

4. A quote attributed to Bruce Lee tells us we should “Be happy, but never satisfied.” Are you often more happy or more satisfied? - Can't you be both?  Shouldn't you be both?  I'm happy and satisfied.  And ... just as an aside ... I'm not entirely sure we should be building a tenant of life around Bruce Lee.

5. If you had a close friend who spoke to you with the same intensity and criticism you used when speaking to yourself, would you want that friend to stay in your life? - No ... I'd kick the bitch to the curb in a heartbeat.  I think the worst of me ... there are a thousand things I'd change about me.  There's a scene in "Girls" where Hanna says, "So any mean thing that someone's gonna think of to say about me?  I've already said to me, about me, probably in the last half-hour."

6. You are invited to speak at a graduation ceremony and give advice to the students, but you are told that because of the sheer number of graduates, you’ll only have 30 seconds to speak. What important advice will you the graduates in those 30 seconds? - Learn to talk to people.  Put the computer down ... put the phone down ... and learn to talk to people.  Because no matter how well you can write ... no matter how brilliant you are ... if you can't talk to people, you're at a disadvantage.

I got the eye of the tiger
A fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion
And you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion
And you’re gonna hear me roar

Katy Perry - Roar

Friday Five: Broken

Well, today marked the end of the second week at my new job.  Our boss decided to give two people the day off ... so it was only me and one other team member working on the corporate side.  The morning was ... not pleasant.  I was harried and a nervous wreck.  I made two mistakes ... one big enough the CSR called to politely tell me how to mark something correctly and re-file it.  But that mistake was the turning point ...

I went to lunch, paid a couple loans ... stopped and got a Strawberry Fanta ... and then drove back to the office to sit in my car and ruminate.  Yup ... I made a mistake.  But I fixed it ... and if I just went slowly and worked my way through the list, everything would be alright.  I could do this.

So I went back in and everything was different.  We were still swamped until around three o'clock or so ... but it wasn't that bad.  I just went from one order to the next ... and didn't panic.  I didn't mess anything up all afternoon.   Not a bad way to the end the week.   I have a hot date tomorrow with a tall, handsome guy ...  and if I play my cards right?  Maybe he'll hold my hand during the movie.  Hey, I'm a woman of simple needs ...

The Friday 5 
1. What’s the story behind your most recent broken dish? - I haven't broken anything for awhile.  Several months ago, I'd been drinking peach daiquiri out of a wine glass.  I'd had a hard day at work.  Don't judge me.  Anyhow, I washed it and set it on top of the dishwasher to dry.  I don't know what I was doing, but the next day I bumped the dishwasher and the glass fell off and shattered.  I figured it was God's way of saying, "Hey! Your kidneys don't work ... maybe becoming a wino isn't a path you should be considering."

2. What’s the story behind your most recent broken promise? - I promised myself, and this blog, that I would stop bitching about J ... that no matter what he said or did, I would just let it run off my back.  Then ... he decided to dial it to eleven.   It was either bitch about him here ... or start taking Xanax.  Since I don't have health insurance for another six weeks?  Yeah, you guys are gonna have to suck it up and listen.  Sorry about that ...

3. When did you last cause a room of people to break out into laughter? - I can't honestly remember.  I remember being at MCL with all our friends ... and telling a story about my best friend's brothers being so drunk they started pissing into a fan.  That story was pretty popular ... and 100% true.  But that's been about four months ago now.  I'm sure I've said something since then to make people laugh but nothing is coming to mind ...

4. What’s something you should probably put the brakes on? - Going out to eat at lunch.  I was just talking to Stoney about this.  It isn't just the cost of eating out.  I'm already burning a lot more gas because I'm driving back and forth across town everyday.  Now I'm burning gas out driving around at lunch because I'm bored.  This is getting pricey.  I'm going to have to be disciplined and make myself stay in.

5. When were you last out of doors at the break of dawn? - HAH ... the closest I think I'm gonna get to this ... over a year ago, Stoney took me with him to see Springsteen in Chicago.  We drove home that night ... I didn't remotely know him well enough to suggest otherwise ... and we got back about five or five thirty in the morning.  Was dawn breaking when we got here?  I can't remember ... but that's gonna be the closest I've been to seeing dawn in quite awhile ... and I hadn't been asleep yet.

Someday girl I don't know when
We're gonna get to that place
Where we really want to go
And we'll walk in the sun
But till then tramps like us
Baby we were born to run
Springsteen - Born To Run

Sometimes Anger Makes Me Ramble ... So Does Lack of Sleep ...

I rarely ever get angry.   I can't remember the last time I was really mad.  (Shut up, I wasn't mad.)  But today?  Today I was angry.  I was so angry I was past logical thought.   It's a vicious circle ... when I get angry, I cry.   Then I'm angrier because I'm crying.  It's frustrating as hell ... and today was one of those days.

Last night, J was almost giddy ... telling me how wonderful things were with his new girl ... how they had just had a misunderstanding but once he looked into her eyes he knew all was right with the world.  Fine ... you've been acting like an asshole but whatever.  You're happy now?  Good for you.

Today?  Today he admits that he's been thinking about suicide ... to the point of writing goodbye notes to people.  I was so incredibly angry ... for what was, I'll readily admit, a selfish reason. 

Sunny's memorial service was today ... and I couldn't go because it was at one o'clock in Auburn and I didn't have any leave to use.  So at one o'clock, I was sitting in my car at lunch ... feeling a little sorry for myself ... and listening to this asshat tell me how he was ready to give up because dating was just so hard.  And I ... was ... pissed.

In the last four months, I've lost my cousin ... I've lost my best friend ... I've lost Sunny ... and now on the day of the  memorial ... a memorial I can't even attend ... J tells me he's been writing goodbye letters?  Just how much am I supposed to take?  When the fuck did I become Job?

I think part of the anger is because I don't know how much, if any, of this is a genuine issue ... and how much is just a cry for attention.  Here's the bottom line of the problem.  When my best friend died, we were all there for him ... ready to give him sympathy and support ... but he didn't want it.   The week after she died, he was gushing about a girl that he liked ... and a week after that, they went to a movie together.   He's proceeded to date two more girls since then.

Know what?  You can't have it both ways.  You can't have the love and sympathy and support of all your friends and family ... and brag about living the carefree, happy life of a bachelor.  Now he's upset that no one is talking to him and he feels so lonely and alone ... well, he forfeited the hand holding.

I was so busy at work this afternoon that I couldn't finish the conversation with him ... but driving home, I was loaded for bear.  I was going to tell him tonight to get his head out of his ass and stop being so goddamned selfish.  Other people have been hurting ... other people are having issues ... if he would stop thinking about himself and look around, there are other people with problems far, far worse than he has. 

Another friend of ours just found out his cancer is back and he has 2-3 months to live.  How about focusing on that ... instead of focusing on if T-Gear forgot your birthday?   I know ... I know I'm babbling ... this isn't well written at all.  But I'm tired ... and when I saw the picture of the gravestone that was placed today, it took all the wind out of my sails.  I'm scattered.

I've been sitting here ordering Christmas presents online.  Because making other people happy makes me happy.  And for the moment, that's all I can focus on.  Tomorrow will take care of itself ... cause tonight being a Christmas elf ... that's all I got. 

Well, that ... and this song.  Jimmy Fallon wrote a song about J?  Who knew?

I know what you want
And I know what you need
But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah
Cause I'm an idiot
And I'm your boyfriend
Yes I am

Jimmy Fallon -
Idiot Boyfriend

In Which I Literally Give Up ...

So what to do ... when you have a friend who is both acting like a complete douche canoe ... but also maybe needs help?  When someone says stupid, self-destructive shit, it's easy to think they're just demanding attention.  But then what if they do something stupid and self-destructive?  You can't take that chance ...

Two nights ago, this friend was a mess ... saying his relationship was over ... saying he felt used.  He told me about spending a lot of time at the grave sight crying.  How it was hard to be around anyone because everyone made him jealous.  Meanwhile, he's telling other people that he's writing goodbye notes ... it's obviously time for some professional help.

So tonight when I got home, I reached out to him ... and now he's swung to the other extreme.  Everything's fine with his new relationship.   In fact, it's super!   It was a misunderstanding.  They're going out this weekend to see Thor.  Her ex is trying to get her back but he had his chance and screwed it up with her and by God now its "his turn" ...

Sigh ...

Seriously?  He's basically telling one person he's writing suicide notes ... then 24 hours later he's on cloud nine because a woman tells him she'll go out with him this weekend?  He needs medication ... or therapy ... or a combination of the both.  This isn't healthy. 

Primarily it isn't healthy because if he keeps this up, I'm going to kick his ass ...

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job
I'm your average white suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor

Dennis Leary - Asshole

Let's Call It a Day ...

It's hard to move from an environment where you are the expert ... into a job where you know absolutely nothing.  I made two mistakes today ... nothing Earth shattering or catastrophic, mind you ... but terribly disheartening nonetheless.  When I went to lunch, I felt like just sitting in my car and crying. I mulled it over all day ... wondering why I'm stressing so much over everything.  I think I might have an insight ...

In my old job, I was special. Something wouldn't work?  You came to me. I had people in other states calling to ask how to tweak this or that. I'd grown accustomed to people telling me all the time how good I was at my job.  So here I am ... in the polar opposite situation.  I'm a fast learner ... but no matter how quickly you pick something up, there's still a curve.

And part of it is me. I have issues. Whether it's at work or at home ... I don't like having to ask for help ... and I don't like admitting I don't know how to do something.  I'm having to do this at least once an hour. It's wearing me down ... I was at my last job 23 years. I can't expect to be an expert at ANYTHING in one week ... but I hate making mistakes.

This is going to be a long road.  Tonight I'm tired.  My head is aching ... I'm queasy ... and I need a hot shower.  Maybe I just need to go to bed ...

Highway run
Into the midnight sun
Wheels go round and round
You're on my mind
Restless hearts
Sleep alone tonight
Sending all my love
Along the wire
Journey - Faithfully

One More Thought ...

In other news ... I cannot lose anyone else.  I can't.  I just can't.  So ...

Take your medicine.
Don't text and drive.
Use sunscreen. 
See a doctor when you're hurting. 
Get a checkup even if you're not. 
If you drink, stay home. 
Change your smoke alarm batteries. 
Don't run with scissors. 
Don't bungee jump.
Drive the speed limit ... or close to it.
Don't ride a motorcycle on gravel or in the rain. 
Don't swim right after eating. 
Eat an apple once in awhile.
Don't run with the bulls.
Bottom line ... I don't give a fuck what it is ... if it's dangerous, don't do it.

I'm serious, people ... I can't do this anymore.   I'm going to be seriously pissed at at the next person who leaves me.  Unless a cow falls out of the sky and hits you on the head, you do not have my permission to die.  No more.

I'd sing her classic country songs
And she'd get high and sing along
But she don't have much voice
To sing with now
We'd burn thse joints in effigy
Cry about what we used to be
And try to ignore the elephant somehow
Somehow

Jason Isbell - Elephant

Rest in Peace, Sunny ...

Tonight we lost a beautiful soul ...

I just got a phone call from a distant friend ... and Sunny just passed away.  This is one of those occasions where ... it's so very sad ... but also it's good news because she was hurting so much at the end.  She just fought for so long ... it's hard to believe that she's really gone.

2013 has been an unimaginably chaotic year.  Such wonderful moments ... and such deep losses.  Sunny was someone I aspire to be like ... positive and happy and strong.  And I'll miss her ... but I'm a better person just for having known her.

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say
If I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

Wicked - For Good

Friday Five: Feeling Yucky

I told myself today that I was going to be super productive!  This is my first employed weekend ... so I knew tomorrow I'd be back at work ... and I wanted to make good use of my days off.

I went to Walmart and picked up a new shredder ... filled my gas tank ... did some grocery shopping ... worked on the laundry ... made a nice dinner.  But in the middle of this, to use the infamous quote ... I hit a wall.  And I hit it hard. 

I was in County Market ... just wandering the aisles.  I was like one of the walking dead ... up and down the same aisles.  I finally bought what little was in my cart and left the store because I was afraid some kind Samaritan was going to ask me if I needed help. 

It's been a great weekend.   We made cookies.  I got to have some of Stoney's homemade bread.  I've run all my errands and all the bills are paid.  But I'm about to go take the world's hottest shower ... I'm going to put on my new favorite sleeping shirt ... and once Walking Dead is over?  I'm turning the lights off and calling it a day ...

The Friday 5 
1.  How do you like to be treated when you’re feeling really sick? - I suppose I prefer to be left alone ... for the most part.  Just bring me some juice or a soda ... an order of Chicken McNuggets helps immensely ... but other than that, just let me take the good cough syrup and watch Netflix and it'll all be good.

2.  What’s something you do when you’re really sick that doesn’t make any sense or defies conventional wisdom? - Awhile back, I read that putting Vicks VapoRub on the bottoms of your feet and then wearing socks would help you get better faster.  I tried it for awhile.  Did it work?  I don't know ... I haven't done it in awhile.  Next time I get sick, I'll try it again and I'll let you know.  But that's about the weirdest "unconventional" thing I've tried ...

3. When was the last time you were out of commission for an extended time? - My stroke back in 2011 I guess.  Right before it happened, I had six weeks of annual leave saved up.  I was going to have such a huge lump sum payment when the office closed.  But ... it is what it is.  I used almost all of it before I was released for work.  I guess that's what your "leave bank" is for, right?

4. What’s the most unusual diagnosis you’ve had for an illness, if you don’t mind my asking? - I had intermittent pain in my abdomen for about three years.  Sometimes it was very bad ... sometimes not so much.  I ended up finding out that I had many kidney stones ... some tiny ... one so large it had to be surgically removed.  But before they found those, I went to a myriad of doctors ... one of whom claimed it was caused by irritable bowel syndrome.  Unless my kidney stones found a secret passage into my colon?  Yeah no ... swing and a miss.

5.  When you feel you’re about to come down with something awful, what steps do you take to beat it back? - I drink lots of orange juice and water ... try to get lots of rest.  Usually though ... and I'm not being negative here, just honest ... nothing helps.  When I get that feeling in my chest that tells me bronchitis is coming on ... nothing is going to stop it but medicine.  My new health insurance doesn't kick in until December 27th ... so it's imperative that I don't have that feeling for another two months or so.

Doctor, my eyes have seen the years
And the slow parade of fears
Without crying
Now I want to understand
I have done all that I could
To see the evil and the good
Without hiding
You must help me if you can

Jackson Browne -
Doctor My Eyes

Success ... Cookie Style!

We were working on a secret project tonight ... but since no one knows me here, I think it's alright to talk about it.  After all, I need to document what happened ... should I pass away in my sleep tonight ...

This coming up week, Stoney is taking dinner to one of his close friends and this friend's family.  This friend has ALS and everyone is chipping in to try and make things a little easier on them.  I offered to make something for him to take along ... a dessert or cookies or something ... and together we came up with a spectacular idea.

Stoney's friend loves the Drive By Truckers.  Well ... I know someone who makes custom cookie cutters.  So, I sent them an image of the band's logo/mascot.  I had two cutters made ... one for us to use and another for Stoney to give them as a gift.

Now pause that story ...

Growing up, my Mom always made these certain Christmas cookies.  They were the cut-out kind ... and I remember making trees and stars and bells ... all the normal cookies that people make.  I haven't had those cookies in decades ... so I called her Friday to ask for the recipe.  She warned me that they are some of the hardest cookies to make ... that I wouldn't enjoy making them ... that she didn't make them any more because they were so hard.

Now ... at this point, in my head, I'm feeling cocky.  I'm looking at the recipe and it's not a hard one.  Cream together butter and a couple sugars ... egg and vanilla ... flour.  What's the big freakin' deal?  I've made dozens of kinds of cookies ... including cut-outs before.  So, really .. .how hard could this be?

 Famous last words ...

Back to today ... I took all of the ingredients over to Stoney's around two o'clock ... and we started cooking.  Despite what he says, he helped immensely ... first bringing me ingredients, then cutting out the cookies after I'd rolled the dough, and eventually icing more than half of them.   Once he's given his friend the gift box, I'll post a picture here so you can appreciate how ridiculously detailed this cookie cutter is.  But Stoney did an awesome job.  I'm lucky he made them with me ... because I'm telling you, cutting them out took much more patience than I'll ever have.

The cookie cutter is big ... so we weren't able to make that many from the first batch.  So we decided to make another.  We were feeling pretty good ... and dinner wasn't going to be ready for another half hour or so.  Why not whip up another real quick?  By the time the second batch was done, we were feeling rough.  We ate dinner ... and went into the living room and sat for a bit ... in the dark ... with no TV on ... just trying regroup for the inevitable second half ... the icing.

We got it done.  They're iced.  They're boxed.  They don't look too terribly bad coming from two people who aren't professionals.  They're a little messy ... a little sloppy ... but hey, that gives them character, right?  

When it was all said and done, we both looked like we'd been run over by a Mac truck.  We sat together for a bit on the couch.  It was warm and comforting.  It wasn't so much cuddling as it was utterly collapsing against each other.

I hadn't understood what Mom meant.  No, the recipe itself isn't hard.  Making the recipe is ridiculously hard.  You wouldn't think someone would be exhausted after making cookies, would you?  Well, you'd be wrong.  So very ... very wrong ...

Freedom isn't free
It costs folks like you and me
And if we don't all chip in
We'll never pay that bill
Freedom isn't free
No, there's a hefty in' fee.
And if you don't throw in your buck 'o five
Who will?

Team America -
Freedom Isn't Free